always the bad guy

whenever something is going on and my husband has to make a decision especially when his family is involved he says oh let me ask my wife so he doesnt look like an asshole and i do!

so today barely any snow and his sister gets into an accident, he went with his mom to check on her no biggie... then for some god forsaken reason he sister wants him to go to the hospital with her! seriously not just ur mom and not even asking your other brother when you know we have plans! awesome so he asks me what i think i was pissed still am and he has no idea why!! he makes me so mad cause if i said no we have plans i am the asshole... so when his mom came to get him cause i was taking my car to go see a friend she asked if i was ok i said i am fine which i wasnt!

i am tired of always being the bad guy having to say no! its bullshit...

this r&r has just been getting worse by the day and the next person to say they cant wait to hear i am pregnant is gonna get it! seriously and of course the hubby says nothing to his family, i lost a baby in april and would have been due around now so why would i really want to think about another one?!?!?!

i just dont know anymore... gonna just lay down and pretend i dont exisist :(

sometimes

sometimes you think your choices are right for you, your family, or just be the time being... well i guess mine werent

moved home to my parents to save money and pay off bills... bills are getting paid off which is good but the realization of why i moved out and never liked being here is overwhelming!

i now remember why i cut all thru high school, why i wished i was adopted all thru elementary school (sad i know), and why i never was home...

i work now but overnight, which has increased my exhaustion... we are saving money and even paying off stuff... i even work out or try to when i have a sitter...

lately i really just want to disappear... i am even more depressed and nothing seems to help... there are days i would stay in bed all day if i would but then there is my daughter and i need to take care of her... i wish i could be a better mom and sometimes people make me feel even worse... my daughter can repeat numbers, letters, and words after me but doesnt seem to do it on her own... while other friends seem to have their kids speaking different languages :( i know some send their kids to day care or babysitter so obviously its not just them but i guess i need to step up and be a better mom and stop just crying...

i havent cut even though i want to... especially after hearing my father last nite say i am not his and he knows it... thanks for letting me know i wasnt wanted wish you just aborted me when you had the chance :(

i dont ever want my daughter to feel the way i do :(

i try to do so much to be perfect and i always feel like i fail... braces to fix my teeth, gym to get the perfect body, boobs once (if) have a second baby, try not to cut and always put a smile on my face...

i dont really talk to anyone anymore, the "friends" i thought i had just were not true and once they realized i am not the same person i use to be they decided i wasnt good enough to be a friend... sucks

to top it all off hubby doesnt know if he wants to stay in the army so its all up in the air what will happen next! i really hope he does stay in and goes sf and we move down south... i am ready for a new start and just know what is gonna happen... most of all i want my own place and not feel like i have a room and completely uncomfortable :(

and tonite i gotta work and monkey has class tomorrow so lets get another week down and get life started with this deployment over!

well i guess its time to end this depressing blog... sorry if you read my shit and its so depressing my life is just not so good right now and i am trying to work on it but i cant go talk to someone no one to actually watch my daughter without tons of questions

:(

working out

so since our little raod trip this summer i decided to start going to the gym which if you knew me is a huge suprise!! :) anyways i found a gym that had classes i was interested in and day care just iin case a family member wasnt home... oh and did i mention one that understood i am married to the military so signing up for a year would be a waste of money for me!! welli found one that had all this plus 1 free training session... i started off with spin, yoga and pilates!! which the spin kicked my ass majorly and so did the pilates!! i could barely sit my bum hurt so much!! finally i got into the swing of things and my muscles got use to working... so i decided well lets try and see what the trainer says... i am not the type of person who likes weights and i honestly want to look like a girl just toned! i told the trainer all this in our initial testing and training and he completely agreed! he also said i was perfect weight and should not worry about numbers (which i know but i still do) i am 24% body fat which for not really working out since high school he said was awesome!!

so we did our first training wasnt too bad, my legs didnt hurt but my arms and back did! he had me do this roll thing which i couldnt do on my back and he realized i was extremely flexible! but i loved the fact he was able to adjust the workout to what would work and benefit me even that workout!! so my second workout was arms! but i told him about my back so he took it easy and modified things... still cant roll out my back and even my chiropracter noticed how tight it was! so they will be talking to make sure everyhting works well and doesnt get worse... i am hoping its not from my epidural i had with my daughter (since it popped out and they had to redue it) but i think its from yoga and pilates doing the cobra stretch and overdoing it since no one really explained it until the new instructor today!! lets pray its gets better!

57 days to get the way i wanna look and baby making ready :)

its 3am

yup and i havent slept one wink just tossing and turning... which is driving my dog crazy!

two years ago today i gave birth to my beautiful daughter! i am very happy and thrilled i have her honestly not sure where i would be if i didnt! anywys for some reason i m running thru all the shit that happened to us since we moved to hawaii and i left... some of the choices i wonder if i did that instead of wht i did pick would things be different? would i have stayed in hawaii instad of moving home? probably not but still a thought

if we took the first house they offered us maybe i wouldnt have gotten that job at the mll (which was a waste of time honestly)... wouldnt have become friends with my boss (that would have sucked) she would not have introduced me to carissa (wish i didnt met her)... wouldnt have had a crazy chick live with us for a short bit (long story but a married soldier's gf who we didnt know was married)... taken our dog with us when we went home on christmas, hubbys bonds would not have been stolen and cashed! didnt call carissa when i went into labor, wouldnt have been given the free crub or changing tabke or anything else they bought but then maybe i wouldnt have felt like she was trying to be my daughters mother and none of the crap that went down would have gone down (restraining order, dugs, fights with hubs)... if we just got a storage unit in hawaii and i didnt make hubbby let me take almost everything! if we didnt move to older housing to be close to fake people! if i didnt have a miscarriage :(

honestly who knows if things would be different or even how different... if hubby and i wouldnt have fought so much... if we wouldnt have been in so much debt... if i could have survived another deployment in hawaii??

alot of wht ifs but i know one thing i love my daughter and so glad i have her! i really wish with ll my heart i didnt lose the baby but i did and obviously it wasnt meant for right now but it still hurts, actually crushes and scares me... not sure if i want to try for another one??

well mybe with all this done now i can get maybe 3 hours of sleep! princess happy birthday daddy and mommy are so lucky you are here and amaze us more and more evey day <3

stay safe babe we love and mis syou and i cant wait till you are home and holding me!

can't i win just once!

yup obviously life just loves to keep kicking me down...

basically living at my parents wasnt the best idea, i now remember why i was always depressed, cutting, and never wanting to leave my bed! add all these feelings with a deployment and a daughter about to turn two and i am completely just having a terrible life right now!

i just feel like i keep trying to take a step foward and end up taking a million back... i try not to think about the what ifs, i try to not have regrets, i just try to live oh well maybe that wasnt right but whats next...

regrets i just try to forget:
1. calling carissa to come help with my delivery, should have done it by myself, not let her in my house since she stole shit, and basically try to take over my daughter deciding who could hold her and sadly i just let it go...
2. moving from our decent house on post to old housing, into a neighborhood that thought drugs and partying every weekend and sometimes everynite was ok!
3.trusting carissa (my biggest of all) because if i didnt the other two things would have never happened and maybe i would have stayed in hawaii? felt less stress on myself??

honestly i know this shit happened for a reason but sometimes it just makes me want to punch people...

new regret moving home to my parents... i moved home so my daughter could get to know her family but my mother doesnt understand i dont care she is going thru menapause and taking out your anger on me then trying to be nice just wont cut it! calling me a C*nt seriously i lost all respect for you and dont want you near my child! i never use that word no matter how pissed i am at someone! i told her after the first time we fought while i was driving she will never be allowed in my car again i was done going anywhere with her! plus anyone who just assumes they can go with me it doesnt happen and i told my sister if she wanted to shop with my mom go ahead i will go another time with my daughter...

so my choices: forget about the bullshit with carissa over and done lesson learned- be much more cautious with who i trust! if they talk shit about everyone else never saying anything good then act like best friends with those people good chance they are doing the same to you!

living with parents- well i am looking for a job (3rd shift so i can spend as much time with my daughter as possible), i can sleep when she does at naptime no biggie then i can move in with a friend who is willing to watch her when i work!
or
i can move to the hubbys moms and stay there, save and pay off bills, just not have any friends???

i honestly dont know but i do know staying at my parents is not gonna work i just cant... guess we will see how this visit goes with my MIL... i do know one girl but she is like a few hours away and she even offered me to live there...

who knows i just need to figure something out before i seriously go insane :( now just waiting to see if the huby calls...hopefully soon

want to cry

so the past few days i have been trying to figure out a photobook for the first year plus of my daughter's life! i had the exciting idea i would make her photo albums; one for birth till 4 yrs old, kindergarden thru 5th grade, middle school, then high school... then i would give it to her as a gift to go off to college with... cute i know right and with shutterfly and snapfish (working on both see which i like better) i thought so much easier! well i guess my photos for some reason a good amount are not high enough resolution so they may come out shitty i guess :( not sure if its cause of my carama or cause i just took them off my facebook... i am hoping its the facebook reason and once i get the storage stuff organized i can get disk thing for my netbook and go from there or i may just get a new computer (gotta talk to the hubby)...





so back to the title, i am very stressed that i lost all these great moments of her first two years! it makes me very sad plus i think i am getting close to my period so i am extremely hormonal :( so i think i may have to get a new camara and of course i have no idea what i want or what to get.. my friend has a nokia (sp?) and she said i should get one but when i tried to use hers i am slightly tech non savy! seriously i such at technology... and a guy i went to hs with said the same or cannon... so i dont know! do people not realize i really am not that good with camaras?!?! i guess if i find my battery charger i could keep my other camara for bar nites out and get an expensive nice camara for family pics and such? i dont know...

suggestions and/or opinions are welcome so i dont like stupid when i go to best buy :) or if u know a cheaper place to get a nice camara please let me know!!

thanks and enjoy ur day unfortunately its a rainy day now!

days like this make me think, why

ugh so this morning woke up to my brothers dog eating my sisters bathing suit (she wasnt happy when she found out)! he cant afford his dog but he has one which is fucked up! he barely can afford himself! so they we started fighting and he is fucking psycho and flipped out throwing me to the floor then i punched him in the face and he tried to break my wrists in front of my daughter! seriously how many fucking times do i need to ask someone to dont scream, yell, flip out, throw shit in front of my daughter! so i told my dad and mom he needs to go or next time i call the cops! they wont throw him out and continue supporting his fucking bullshit! so i am done!

then my dad tells me saturday he is using my car and taking my daughter to drop my mother... not asking if he could just he would only be gone to drop her off then be back... i know thats bullshit so i said no... now he is being a fucking asshole saying no one likes me and get out... realy u want me out fine then u will never seen ur grandchild again... i am done with bullshit i am done with u supporting a piece of shit and being a jerk just cause u dont get what u want... u want a nice car get a fucking job and buy one instead of piss of shits that u let ur son tear/destroy down! seriously!!

ugh why did i move home... i love having my friends and i thought being around family would be good but seriously evryother day its more bullshit i dont need! this deployment needs to end my hubby needs to come home and we need our place... i know moving home was the best i am not as depressed (obviously still somewhat) but i am not alone and hating life, as much...i just hope things getting better but i do have a trip coming up and monkeys birthday just gotta figure out what we are gonna do just sucks her daddy is not here :(

wish i could sleep this year away some days... some days i just wish i was stronger... just wish i didnt want to cry

i dont know... guess i just dont know

ps for r&r planning on vegas and i will be taking my keys with me and someone wont be using my car when i am gone if that means i park it at someone else house i will!

pure exhaustion

i know having to blogs is sometimes alot of work but i guess its nice to be able to talk about other things then just the crappy deployment and communication that never happens except when the hubby needs something!!!

anyways so the past few days i have completely exhausted i am pregnant exhausted but i know i am not, well i dont think... i did have the miscarriage and obviously i am not having sex.. but monday is my doctors appointment so we will find out i guess... i dont think stress, not really being hungry, and chasing a toddler with no breaks is helping!! it would be nice if i c0uld have my hubby home honestly it was nice him taking her one morning even though it was only one morning a week i got to rest and not get up and be a parent... i hope that doesnt sound horrible but honestly i need sleep too and i love being her mommy but a good nites sleep would be really nice right now!! not that i see that happening anytime soon :(

thankfully the moving company should be here next week with our stuff (finally)!!! i cant wait gonna actually go thru clothes of mine and get rid of them which if u know me is extremely hard!! i feel bad throwing/giving to good will or sister anything! i am slightly a hoarder but not in a bad way like anything i am given i just have a hard time throwing out... not trash just shoes, clothes, gifts... obviously certain gifts r not a big deal but clothes and shoes that i never wear i know i should get rid of but i cant... so before we left hawaii i went thru my shoes and threw out (opps) ones that didnt fit or didnt wear or were just not worth keeping... it was very hard my hubby had to take them immediately to the dumpster and throw them in cause i would have kept them seriously i know its bad but i feel terrible like i may need it even though i probably wont! and clothes i guess since i have a kid now i feel guilty buying things for me and throwing out things that may fit or i should just wear until we have no debt but i dont wear them or cant cause they dont fit right (having a baby made my body even more uncomfortable then ever for me!) all my jeans are too big now (yes i know i suck) i went from a size 3 or 5 before pregnancy to a size 9 once i hit 9 months back down to a 5 then 3 now i wear a 1!! i had to borrow my sister (17) pants to have some that fit!! so i bought to pairs today (on clearance $3)... so i dont feel that bad but i didnt get my daughter anything but she has tons of clothes and i did buy her a ton of pants the other day at walmart!!

back to the title basically lately my daughter wakes up throught the nite and waits to come to bed with me which is ok but doesnt help me get any sleep since i am in a twin bed!! then add the stress of barely hearing from my husband (wont get into that but its not making being me very good) and getting emails weekly about injured or killed soldiers or the news (which i try to advoid!) i just cant seem to catch a break... i know not eating is bad and stressing is just gonna make me sick but i have no choice i cant help it... honestly i am just not hungry not sure why but i look at food and its just not yummy looking...

then last nite my cousin (my daughter godmother) had texted me a few times since i have been home and basically will say hey lets get together then when i text back and say when do u wanna met? i get nothing! seriously over it so went to dinner last nite with an awesome friend who was there for me and alwasy is!! she let me vent and basically told me just not to bother its not my fault i have a child and dont just drop her off somewhere to get drunk, honestly i am almost 30 and so over it!! ugh why cant life be simple?!?!

well i have made this blog little long and its almost bedtime for my monkey!!woohoo and me too (i hope)... plus i need to throw laundry in so i have pants tomorrow... i know i jump around i hope that shows you how exhausted i am! i just really need better communication with everyone (hubby, family, friends) and to get rest cause my exhaustion is making me a bad mom (in my eyes)... my temper is short with my daughter and she gets more time outs and i yell at her which i dont want to i just wish i could be a better mom :( i know people would give me slack saying i am doing the best i can as a single parent (which i honestly dont consider myself single just hubby is on a business trip) and she is entering her terrible twos but i just wish i could be better... she is talking a little but still mostly babbles and everytime someone mentions how their kid is talking or i am not doing it right i feel worse... maybe thats why i lost the other baby? maybe god felt i can barely handle the one why have another :(

with that finally out and laundry calling me and monkey needs a book to be read before bed i will end this

ugh... maybe more tomorrow here or in my other blog

just hurts

so i have been doing most of my posting under the deployment blog since mostly i am talking about the deployment... i would like to choke some wives but i will ignore them...

anyways this is not what i am talking about in this post... i am hurting more for the fact that i lose a baby and everyone else around me is getting pregnant... seriously if one more person tells me they r pregnant i might end up in the loony bin! i know i should be happy and i am but at the same time i dont understand why i couldnt be pregnant? why did i lose the baby? am i a bad person? what if something happens to my hubby? what if we can never have another baby? i know i shouldnt think like that but i just cant help it and i have no one to talk to or trust...

why me? why cant i have one good thing? this past few months seem to get worse by the minute.... every decision i make is wrong and i am wrong and a terrible person :( ugh

well back to watching coming home cause i need a good cry

now i remember

i remember why i cut every day from junior year till recently... now i remember why i felt like dying every day... now i know why i never come home.. what do you expect when i never answer my phone i never call i just stay far away and this is why you are a terrible person and i want nothing to do with you... i pray i would die every day and this may be the longest year and if i stay here i may not survive actual know i wont if i dont go and not be here...

i want nothing to do with you i helped you out for the last time you are nothing but a terrible person... putting me down saying i am a terrible parent when you are not even one never mind even close to being one!

cant tell the hubs how bad it is he has enough on his plate... guess i will just keep it in like always and hope i dont crash...

car will be here soon then off to north carolina even while the hubs is at airborne cause i cant stay here much longer i will hurt myself!

i realize none of this makes sense just kinda typing not really paying attention... all i know is i cant handle this anymore and i cant have my daughter here its just not good i cant let her see me in pain and wanting to die...

can things get any worse?!!?

why not military fill in...

so i have never done one of these fill ins but today i actually didnt mind these questions and thought what not plus takes my mind off other things (deployment, miscarriage, no phone call/communication in days) anyways... enjoy 1. with PCS moves happening every free years, do you take the time to paint and decorate your home? i painted our first house on post just one room, it was so huge i just thought why not but in the end was like why did i bother, so since then i havent painted... decorating i try to hang pictures and shelves to put things up but then i gave up... os hopefully once we get our own place (3 yrs) and i will make it ours! 2. if you could live in any home on a television series, what would it be? the charmed house. i love the size of it plus the style with the sun porch and attic minus the evil in the basement... 3. what inspired you to start your blog? i use to journal when i was younger on paper then i started talking to a councellor who felt maybe i should start writing again so i wouldnt be as stressed and depressed... since i have a gmail account i found out you could do a blog for free so why not... then since we started training for another deployment i figured i would do a blog about a 3rd deployment and moving home while my other one would be about life as a mommy and wife and my daily struggles.. basically its a place for me to just write about anything and everything i am thinking and feeling without being judged or having i used against me later since not many known i have a blog and the ones who do dont know me or have not found it 4. what is the weirdest thing you've ever seen on base? the naked children who's parents (mothers) will sit on their ass and just keep yelling their name while the kid runs in the street with a car coming down the street! the pay day striper outfits, seriously in hawaii the wives would get out their club clothes at noon and go shopping at the px (seriously glad u have the balls to wear that little dress but their r kids and i can see more then i want to of u)! i could for days on this question espically after living in hawaii for almost 3 yrs! for some reason all the drama crazy crackheads go there and rules go out the window! 5. which historical figure (politician, writer, artist, scientist, actor, ect. ) would you like to have dinner with? umm well i have never thought about this... and honestly my mind is completely blank on histoical figures. i would love to met the woman who wrote i love a man in uniform... she is still alive i know she really is not historical but after reading her book i just finally felt like wow someone else actually has been where i have been, felt what i have felt and i just want to thank her (i have on her fb page) but still to talk to her and actually have a heart to heart i would probably cry non stop... well check back cause randomly i will probably fill these out, if i actually have answers to all the questions (usually i dont so i always said maybe next time)... wishing everyone a happy easter and to my soldier stay safe i love you and cant wait to talk to you

was this the right decision?

i hope so but sometimes i dont know... i feel like i am back being a child even though i have a child! i know my parents r just trying to help but honestly my poor monkey is seriously overwhelmed there is more people that she barely knows plus 3 dogs! a little more then what she is use too... plus her daddy is deployed and has only called once (which i completely understand)... we are both still stuck on hawaii time so our whole schedules r all over the place thankfully she is back to two naps but still trying to get her on a normal schedule is hard espically with my family who doesnt have one! they just go and do whatever whenever... monkeys schedule 630amish we get up for breakfast and disney junior, play time (sucks her toys are in transit but we have some), either nap or lunch depending on how she feels, go to the playground, come home more toy time (puzzles), then either a second or first nap, then dinner, play time with daddy (which is not anymore), bath and then bed- well that was hawaii now thats all messed up... my sisblings r all ages 17- up... and far from being quiet, shout when they talk to each other, no schedule on eatting (which will change or atleast monkey and i will eat when she wants)... dropping th fbomb alot! and some major cleaning needs to be done... well still trying to get settled and its hard... thankfully we have a dresser till our stuff gets here but still poor monkey is sleeping in a playpen since she is too small for a big bed and wont stay in it... tomorrow going shopping and hopefully i can actually pay for things (ya my dad keeps paying for stuff driving me crazy its nice and helpful since we dont know whats gonna happen on pay day but still)... thinking of cleaning my parents house on monday while everyone is at work/school... wood floors + multiple dogs= need major fixing.. and my sisbling and i r gonna look into getting a fence for the backyard so the dogs dont poop everywhere and monkey can play!! well i guess we will see more to come but most likely in the deployment blog!!

catching up

so its been a bit and i have tons of blogs i follow to catch up on but that will have to wait till i reach my new home for the year!! we leave today to go back to the east coast!! i am sad, happpy, and stressed... i suck at flying so doing it by myself with my monkey is freaking me out even more!! oh well gotta get some shit done! then we leave on a jet plane :)

much needed vent!

so i am about to blow and i cant really say this anywhere else without someone biting my head off! so here it is: you are not a real army wife! sorry but you are just someone for him to fuck and its not like he is a real soldier! sorry but you dont get involved you want nothing to do with anyone in his company just the stupid druggies (just liek you) in the neighborhood! seriously you have never been thru a deployment so you have no idea the stress and pressure any of us are under so keep you fucking mouth shut! calling me ugly and fat is funny cause guess what i dont fit in a size 3 anymore they are too big so eat shit! i honestly dont care you think i am ugly i dont have stetch marks running up my stomach and my husband doesnt have a snaggle tooth! seriously you have three fucking kids with some other dude when you man gets orders (if he does) good chance you wont be going cause your kids wont be able to! you think doing drugs and harrassing people the way you do and leaving your shit everything is ok anywhere but hawaii!? seriously you have a rude awakening no where else would they put up with this shit! your husbands command would be notified and housing would take proper actions like removing you! keep hanging out with the fucking chick whos husband's CO was already contacted cause of her behavior real winner there!! all i have to say is 2 days really will never see you again and good chance you wont be on this base or an army wife much longer! so enjoy your drugs and being a striper and guess what personally i think you are a fucking piece of shit! just so anyone who reads this: i dont have anything against stripers or locals from hawaii or even newbie army wives... i am against people who think they can treat people like they are better then everyone else when they are not! you have no idea about being an army wife espically when you associate yourself with girls who arent any better and actually are horrible examples of army wives! just my opinion so keep saying your shit cause guess what you mean nothing to me and you never will! so keep up what your are doing you are only hurting you husbands career and in the end karma will bite ya worse then me :) ahhh feel so much better back to packing and cleaning!! going home :) (finally)

i really wish..

i really wish i could have more good and exciting moments instead of always venting about the shittiness in my life! seriously i once was a very happy person enjoying life and friends and my husband... i just think this place has taken that away i have lost me so losing me= losing my happiness??i wonder if that makes sense... i just want the stress in my life to be not so bad, i realize with a deployment around the corner its kinda hard, and a move home go back to my parents home but i guess it could be worse? ugh so to anyone who followers or just reads my blog sorry they are so depressing i just am disliking life in hawaii its really not my paradise and the people i have met have truely made it even worse! thankfully soon i will be able to be around people i love and i cant wait! happiness to come promise!! and if u want i will probably write more in my other blog during the deployment so check it out if u want :)

who says shit like that?

"made all the promises in the world... welcome to not keeping urs.. dont worry.. i wont survive afganistan. hope it makes u feel better" "that ive heldone of my soldiers as he was hurting more then i ever held u" seriously wanna push someone over the edge? then get drunk and tell someone you never really loved them you never wanted them you just needed an out! yup i have an awesome relationship... so glad to know someone wanted me that much! how do you move on after that? how do you keep breathing? how can i face family and friends?! my heart is breaking into a million pieces i feel like i have just been punched... so i guess these past 4 almost 5 years was a joke to cover up the fact i was being used once again... another guy treating me like a trophy... awesome well i guess thats why i never got pregnant again it was ending and two kids with him would have just been terrible.......thank god my daughter looks like me and none of him cause right now i couldnt even deal with that its 3am and i am only like always....

money stressed/moving stressed

amendment

one thing i forgot to add in the early post-

the girl who pretended we were friends and someone i could trust, helped me move into her neighborhood... i should have realized then she wanted me to move in so she could have some more drama and see what was going on in my house... she also with her husbands help caused alot of shit between my husband and i... yes i realize maybe if our relationship was a little stronger then it was that maybe it would not have been as easy! but she would say things or i would confine in her about something adn then she would make me question everything... she knew i hated my hubby smoking and if he did smoke at her house with her hubby she would make sure i found out... i guess her life was that sad and pathetic and boring she needed drama to make it fun and entertaining! seriously when i call home to talk to my parents its about my daughter or what is going on with us never the drama with other couples! or even if we went to an adult party would i tell my mom oh so and so bought this! seriously i dont care how close your relationship is you still dont share that kind of stuff!! espically tell people about what others tell you in confidence its just plan rude!!

oh well she is out of my life and i am better for it! she can move on to the next person use them to make herself feel better and i honestly dont care!

thankfully the hubs had to run an errand and he took our daughter i just need a few minutes of me time...

realizations

i have come to realize we all make choices and sometimes those we pick are the best while others teach us a lesson...

since moving to hawaii i have met many different army wives... and when i say different i dont mean just where they are from,but their priorities (children, work, hubby, themselves), ages, personalities... everything

most have been girls i honestly would never have talked to or even hung out with if it wasnt for my husbands job... not just cause of their age but their choices, sorry but i have a daughter now so drinking to the point of blacking out and doing drugs (which i never have done or plan to) are not my ideas of a good time... honestly a drink here and there not an issue and you know every once in awhile getting a little too drunk is ok but every weekend? or even a night just cause you have someone else who can parent your kids the next day!? and drugs yes i have been around people and friends who have smoked weed or/and pill popped and never judged but they also never did it around me! they also knew i wasnt cool with it even more so now that i am married to the military... but most of my friends have grown up and stopped smoking weed and are grown ups!!

my opinion (claimer this is how i feel not how it should be!) if you are married to the military you should NOT be doing drugs even smoking weed! honestly if you have it in your house they do a search and find it its your soldier who gets in trouble and could lose everything! i just think it is completely disrepectful even more when other soldiers who are suppose to be in charge say who cares its not the soldier doing it! but honestly karma will get these wives who only care about themselves...

ok so back on to my realizations- the women i have met... the ones that were wives of spouses in my husband company have been ok, i mean most of them... there has been the one who while her spouse was deployed would drink and do drugs and have sex with just about whoever!! seriously she seemed really nice and i didnt mind babysitting every once in awhile so she could go out and drink but the more i got to know her the more i was glad my phone fell in the toilet and i lost her number (it saved me from alot of drama that i honestly didnt need being pregnant and all)...
the next person i met was my boss and honestly she still is who i met! very nice army wife true to herself and extremely nice!! honestly couldnt think of anything bad to say about her (well her hubby dips and personally i couldnt kiss someone who does that-just seems like no matter how much you spit its still there! ewww)...
she introduced me to another wife who had 5 kids... thought she was a good person but come to see that she loves to only see the bad in people and share that with everyone to make herself look better! honestly she only talks about everyone elses parenting, finances, relationships, anythign they do wrong! she put judgements of people in my head before i met them (something i try never to do-prejudge) well you think i would have realized she talks about all these people in a bad way why wouldnt she about me? oh thats right cause i thought she was a friend! boy was i wrong!!
the other girls i have met have been thru this last girl... they all smoke weed, barely take care of the kids, are consently screaming at their kids or spouses, and just all around rude girls! i would never attack someone who i dont know just cause they dont want to be my friend the minute they move into the neighborhood! (seriously they are so childish)...
the wives in the company are nice or atleast act like it... there have been some who have done the whole well so and so said this and that... and my husband is this rank shit... so annoying! i really hope the ones who act sincere!

i guess its this whole island thing... you are trapped here unless you have bank or your family/friends do you most likely wont really leave... you either hang out with only wives in your spouses company or like the crackheads in my neighborhood only hang out with poeple in the neighborhood... sadly if you try to mix these two or just try to be nice to everyone and give people a chance you will walked all over and treated like shit from one of "groups"... which i have tried... i am nice to everyone unless they give me a reason not too or atleast i try... i try to not judge anyone based on what others say cause i have been that girl and it sucks being prejudged... i am always nice to any new army wife and give them a chance to get to know people and make their own decisions cause honestly the one person you may not have liked they might, right?

i know sometimes i say things or do things and people are like what the hell?! but if you look at where i grew up it would make complete sense! i grew up in a semi small town where it was predominately white i didnt pick it nor did i say who could live their and who couldnt! i was a kid!! i realize espically with some of the jobs i have had in my life some people have no choice where they work or what they do they just got to to what they can to survive, so honestly if you take your clothes off to pay the bills i dont care you are atleast paying your bills and trying your best!

being trapped (seriously trapped) on this island and seeing people come and go and this neighborhood being all nice to their faces they as soon as they leave talking shit about them! i am happy to be gone... none of these people would ever or were ever good people or friends, just passing thru my life to make me see the good and bad in army wives! they have no idea their actions are destroying their spouses career nor do they care! i honestly try my best and be as supportive as possible and make sure my decisions wont hurt his choices!

but atleast i only have a little be longer (or so i hope)! find out next week when and if the army will pay for the monkey, our stuff, my car, and myself to go home! fingers crossed cause all the estimates i have gotten have made me want to cry alot!! very stressed with just waiting and my throat is killing me, acne on my face, my back is all tight and sore, and just having a hard time sleeping...i know part of it is the moving home and another deployment and just trying to get the bills paid off!! all i know is i will have family and friends and help and people i trust surrounding me no more fakeness!!

honsetly i have heard hawaii/schofield barracks is so small and people are so bored that their is more drama and tons of fake people!! boy were they right and boy do i wish i knew this before i came here!

oh well not much longer and honestly i would never see these women or soldiers again because most of the soldiers suck in general and with their wives actions wont be in the military or even get promoted!! that sucks cause you should be proud of achievements you make or your spouse achieves!!

well back to making the photo album that on my monkeys 18th birthday or when she graduates (maybe when she leaves for college) not sure yet i plan to give her showing her life as i saw it... my goal is to do this for every child i have :)

cancelled

so my councelling appt got cancelled which is ok and sucks... it would have been the only one the hubby could have gone to and probably my last one since next week we may be getting the house packed up (or trying to find a storage unit)! plus with all the stress of not knowing if the army will pay and if we can afford it i am getting sick :( my throat is killing me and i keep getting stress migranes... ugh i just am so ready to know and have things ready... yes i realize it means the hubby leaves but that is his job and i know he is ready to get it started and over with... the monkey is playing with her baby dolls which is so funny! for some reason one of her baby's she likes naked at night (for bed) but during the day she wants the clothes on!! since she doesnt know how to take them off or put them on i have to do it and she screams until i do (so dont like the screaming)!

i just hope my depression gets better or just doesnt make things worse then it already is :( i guess it is a little worse since we dont know what will happen and the waiting is completely not good for my health! sadly the one guy in the company who i dont want to know my personal business is the guy who all paperwork goes thru so the hubby is gonna try to see if he can pass it over him or atleast not let him read it since the doctors had to write a personal letter explaining the reasons i need to leave, yes it talks about my medical issues with my kidneys which i have no problems people knowing that for the most part considering they found that the protein could be a bigger issue then they orginal made it, maybe lead to kidney failure (awesome i know)... but it also talks about my anxiety and depression and ptsd and the fact i wont take meds (they didnt work in the past and i wasnt me, which is a major concern to me plus if we wanted another baby i cant be on them)...

so who knows what will happen fingers crossed the army pays for our stuff and my car and i can go home just be able to be me and work and have my sanity back! am i asking to much of the army? i hope not :/

well time to entertain a toddler hope everyone else is enjoying their time with family and friends

not sure

ugh so lately well just this week i have been feeling very blah... the hubs is on leave which is nice but there have been days i just kinda dont want to move from bed... the hubby has noticed but i wont tell him whats wrong so he will take our monkey for a ride if he needs to run errands or just keep her busy which is nice but then i feel like a horrible mommy! i know everyone needs to have me time and i need to just be ok with taking it but i decided to be a stay at home mommy so i should be with her 24/7 no complaining! ya i know thats not the way life should be but thats how i feel.. i know it takes 2 to make a baby and 2 to raise it but honestly i dont get a pay check and lately have been slacking on the laundry and cleaning...

i am very stressed about the move we wont know anythign about the erod (erd) until after the 21st and all back up plans are gonna cost us an arm and leg! kinda makes me want to puke!! but i dont say anything to my husband since when we talk about it it turns into a fight... all this stress is making me want to cut... atleats housing said we wont any money to them when we move out since out allowance is less then what he is alocated for housing... we will have to give them permission to take $100 for flea whateva for rugs which is fine have to in most places or find a company and have them do it but all the companies i have called are an arm and leg.. so i dont know anymore... if we do a pod it will cost almost $7000!! craziness but it would be our lock which is a plus! so i dont know what we are gonna do... i have a few other places offering much less but who knows... fingers crossed the army pays it and we can use our tax money for bills and then i wont have to hold my daughter on the long ass flight! (which most likely there will be an empty seat and she can seat there but still dont wanna plan on that)...

i am very excited for move home... i am ready to find myself again and not be stressed as much about bullshit that i should just let go!! i am ready for real friends and family and have my daughter actually see people that wont just be there cause we dont really have anyone else and they are around cause of the hubbys job and not cause they actually like us for us!!

well computer is gonna die and councelling tomorrow suprisingly hubby is coming!! i will update tomorrow about everything... oh we are gonna do a nite time cruise and go to the sea park so the monkey can see some animals :)

frustrated

so this is probably gonna sound messed up but we were trying for a baby and it didnt happen this month :( he leaves soon so i am kinda freaking out!! we want a second child espically a playmate for our monkey... she is almost 2 and i am afraid if i dont get pregnant soon i may never get pregnant again.. i know that sounds messed up but i am almost 30 and i have bad kidneys it just seem slike it may not happy... i know when its meant to be it will happen but i feel like lst deployment was so much easier being pregnant and we had this exciting thing happening for r&r and well i am just afraid i guess espically since we cant even agree where we will spend it with his family or mine... i have no desire to go to michigan cause then he will wanna see his dad who is a piece of shit so i just dont know...

ugh atleast if i was pregnant he would come to me and we would just have us time but nope :( maybe next month obviously if it does happen i dont plan to post it here until i start telling people... sadly i am not one of those girls the minute i pee on a stick i tell people... with our daughter rear de knew and one friend... at about 12 weeks we told our parents since my grandfther died and i couldnt fly so i had to tell my parents the truth... then at 20 weeks when we found out the sex fb and myspace and texts went out along with belly pics and ultrasounds...

i just wish i could tell the hubby how much it hurts to not be able to be pregnant espically since we are doing everything the same, prenatal pills and sex every other day and everyday when i am ovulating... but still no baby :(

well maybe next month or r&r or after deployment... send your baby dust my way if you are pregnant or just had a baby!!

worst mommy ever!

that is how i felt after my daughter rolled all her weight onto her arm... thought she just bumped her funny bone but i was wrong... after the hubby got home she still wouldnt use it and every time we touched it or tried to move her she would cry... so we headed to acute care and waited like at a deli counter (seriously took a number and everything!) finally saw the check in nurse/medic and he put the order in for x-rays and said it was definately the elbow hopefully just popped out not broken! yup wanted to cry as my daughter screamed... so we went over to x-ray the poor guy had to have my husband and i hold her down then he would move the arm to where he needed... as we waited for the doctor to read the films she was happy and running around.. the doctor came in said they saw nothing but with all the fighting she did on the table it was probably popped back in place! thankfully i didnt hear it and explains the screams of pain! but the doctor said watch her for the next 2 weeks and if she starts to hold it again and rubbing it (since she cant explain that it hurts) that we should go to her pcm or er immediately and they will do another x-ray and/or pop it back in...

thankfully its not fractured! unfortunately if it is even on the first x-ray they might not see it :(

so yup i felt like the worse mom i was the one who put her on the rug to play with her blocks and she just roller... yes she is a toddler and i know their is gonna be bumps and bruises but i felt so horrible cause now it can happpen again easier :(

the joys of being a mommy thank god the hubby come home cause i felt horrible!

what a weekend

the ball was a blast!! and our sitters said they had no problems except their was some kids spray painting the poles (housing got a phone call today)! i got a little too drunk and ended up chatting with the co and bc!! opps i dont think i said anything and i actually (according the the co) made him and the company look great to the bc!! so go me!!

well sunday was kinda of a rough day... i just wanted to sleep all day! today has been the same feeling still exhausted... guess i am getting alittle old for drinking and staying out all nite (we got home at 130am!)

so at the ball a few women where dressed interesting (the word i will use)! u could see almost everything with how short their skirts were! the food was prom food which i expected... they had wine on all the tables and you got to take home a cactus and a glass but people were stealing them so we didnt get any :( but one of the hubbys guys got a few (like 6) so he is gonna ask him for some!! they had cheap liquor which was no good probably why i still feel like crap but hopefully i will get functioning soon!

i am glad though my monkey had fun and didnt cry the entire time we were gone! espically since the councellor told me its not good at 19 months that she is afraid of people, honestly i dont mind it she is cautious and once she is comfortable she will laugh and play and talk to the people! i dont get why its a big deal and it annoyed me but i was shy and so is my husband so i wouldnt expect anything less from a child!

frg meeting tonite and maybe a nap before if i can convience a monkey to take one?!!? i will post in the other blog about the meeting, deployment expo thing and friday and the ceremony and bbq before leave then dpeloyment!! craziness but i am ready!!

Ball

tonight is the ball!! this is our first since last year he was at school and before that we left shortly before the ball was suppose to be for the old guard... so this is our first real army ball!!

i am excited but also kinda wanna puke! i have the dress, its peach strapless and long... i think it kinda like a greek goddess style... still not sure about my hair thinking side braid from the right to the left only half my head then curling the right side... (hope that makes sense) if u watch hell cats on cw (yes i am a dork) marty wore it for the wedding episode last tuesday... i thought it looked cute not sure if i will be able to do it myself but we will see... fingers crossed

we r having a friends who i have know as long as i have known the hubby babysit, they have no kids but the monkey is easy... i am more worried about the drama neighbors! they seem to get worse every weekend and even now have attacked another neighbor! seriously they r very elementary school!!

well the monkey is awake so gonna start lunch

i told him

so last nite while snuggling till i fall asleep since he had the aloha run (he was so not excited) he wasnt gonna sleep (his choice)... i just started crying and finally decided i should tell him.. i started off with please dont be mad or hate me... ya i know not the best way to start a conversation espically since he has been asking th epast few days if i am ok? whats wrong? and i say nothing everything is fine...

i started out with telling him its honestly not him... and asked if he thinks i have changed since we got here or before... he said of course i changed some good and some bad (awesome right, not)... so then i looked at him in the dark laying my head on his chest and said well for the past year i havent felt like me i dont know how to explain it but if i could die tomorrow i would be ok with it... i have been cutting and i am sorry i just dont know anything else...

he was quiet but he said he wasnt mad... now i think he realizes why i am back in councelling and why if i dont leave sooner then later i may get worse...

i also told him i would go talk to someone about meds, anxiety and depression... which if you know me is a big thing 1. cause i hate meds, last time was a horrible reaction where i would cry at the worst times and 2. i dont want to be looked at like i am crazy (yes i realize people wont know or care if they did but still)... but if it is something that will make us and me better then i guess i could be open to it... maybe lying to the doctors everytime they ask about depression isnt the best but i really dont like people knowing... (but i am blogging about it i know that is messed but if u think about it most dont really know me or if u do u may not realize its me)! the thought of anxiety medication is very scary anyone i know that has been on them takes them to get high and i am just not a drug person!! plus the whole fear it will fuck up my husband career is always there, last nite though he said no one would know he promised... so i guess i will call and make an appt and go from there.. thats the first step right?

this week will be crazy court on wednesday (extend the tro to three years), thursday bbq for the company (even though soldiers havent been told), ship the pup to my parents on friday, and saturday ball!! sunday will just be a nice quiet family day, which lately every day hubs has off we have done and its been nice!! oh and tuesday calling the poor housing lady and ask her all my questions ( i feel bad for her i have been calling her once a week since february has started)


well time to start my day... enjoying disney junior with my monkey till hubs get home from the run!!

how do i tell him

so i tried last nite and again this morning... i hinted at him, asked him questions which made me just say ohok i was just curious...

how do u tell ur husband you love with all ur heart that all you keep thinking about is dying and cutting? he says he will be mad since u made a promise to not do it anymore but u were good until you realized u lost you... yes i know cutting doesnt make me but it lets me feel me, if that makes any sense... i love my husband so much i just i dont want him to leave me cause i am hurting i just want him to understand that i am hurting.. honestly the other thing that bothers me about the neighborhood now is the fact that i trusted one girl and she totally betrayed me... sorry to tell u but if we talk and i tell u things personal or not just whats going on and then while sitting with other girls and i am not there throwing in anything about me just to have soemthing to say is talking shit! u accuse me of talking shit on the web when all i did was ask a simple question no names, stuff u have said on multiple occasions, just was curious if someone would step up and do something or just let it be and u turn it around like i am such a horrible person?! i stopped sitting there listening to someone complain everyday about how shitty her life is and how horrible her husband is and how she only has angry sex with him and uses it to her adventage cause there is only so much one person can listen to before they say just leave then... but i am the bad person? really?!?! the fact is you all act like you are high and mighty but you will fall and good chance destroy ur hubbys career in the process...

ok now after that seriously i need to get away from this island i have lost me... they have taken over my blog and my sanity and i know i shouldnt let them so i which stop unless something happens (fingers crossed) i am calling (once again) the poor lady at the head office and find out how many times before they do something, the mps know our neighborhood come here constantly atleast once a weekend! and always the same house before they do something!! even people in the housing office have said she needs to go so why doesnt she? her dog is not registered, she has had many chances to do it and notices, thats a violation! she also has tons of other violations for trash and toys and just being a bad neighbor from not just me but past neighbors so why continue to make this neighborhood suffer? you want good people to represent this place then get rid of the ones causing issues!!

anyways back to what this is suppose to be about my husband... i tried this morning asking him about the cutting and he said he would be mad, ok i understand that but would you divorce me? he said maybe... so now i just dont know what to do? my councellor said i should express my opinions and feelings and not shut them down but my husband said he would leave me so i am terrified if i tell him i am lost and not caus eof him or the military just being here, i lost myself my voice just me! i was slightly unhappy in virignia before we left cause it seemed my friends were judging my choices... yes i went from party girl to marriage in literally 2 short months! but almost 4 1/2 years later we are happily married with a toddler and trying for another one... yes we have our ups and downs but why cant you be supportive?i realize i didnt introduce him to them right away but i wanted him to myself, secret for just me... honestly when i was ready i would parade him around and i did!! i am proud of him not just cause he is a soldier but because he loves me and does so much for me except undestand the cutting... i just dont know

well its lunchtime maybe i will blog later for some reason i have blogged alot lately more then usual maybe i just have so much and with councelling all i can think about is kicking him in the head (my councellor).. the hubs did say he would make it to one session (no tricking or anythign just asking) but this week they get their gear for the deployment which i have tried to not think about... i know bad army wife just support him and suck it up its part of the life... i am ready for this deployment honestly its one short year, since i will be close to friends and family and then we start our new life as sf family so i am ready!! just dont want to think about the equipment and the actual leaving but i am ready!!

ps... to all my friends on the mainland i love you all your truely have been some of the best marks in my heart and life!!i know no matter how many texts, fb messages, or even calls if i really need you or you need me we are always there and my standards for friendship are not to high and if they cant be met by some people then i should move on theres a reason they came and left and didnt leave a mark!! thank you

i love a man in uniform

i really do love him i couldnt see my life without him but honestly i cant take this anymore... everytime i go outside they attack me for even looking at them seriously then sit in ur house or in ur lanea and not where my car is parked...

the title is not just how i feel about my man but a book i am reading... the author is very similiar to me except i am married to an enlisted and herself an officer... she talks about wanting to die and cutting and just feeling so alone with no one to understand... basically how i have been feeling the past year... sadly i have tried to just push it away but it comes up... so i went to councelling it helps but then all i want to do it cut... hubs and downstairs playing with our monkey, he knows something is wrong but i just say everything is fine... how can u tell someone u love if u died tomorrow u would be happier? its honestly not these women cause i know once they leave here they will have a rude awaking and some may not even be wives anymore!

i am trying so hard not to cut but its not working... monday i plan to call the housing lady again not sure if she will be in the office but maybe she will clear her machine and i can leave her a message... i know february is almost over and soon march will be over and then hubby will deploy so i want to spend every min i can with him making him happy ignoring my problems but i am just breaking little by little everyday... wish i stuck with the gut feeling stayed in the other house and just gave up on being friends with these girls forever ago... honestly only one had my cell number so really those other girls (women dont act like children) were only acquiantances that made me question the whole what the fuck was that soldier thinking?! honestly i would rather be in a locked room with my father in law then be near these crackheads!!

well gotta clean my face up and put on a smile and act like everythign is grand when its beyond not even close to being good.............

you think you can break me

fakeness... yup that is was i am surrounded by... we moved into a neighborhood that is ok with drugs, disrespecting the military/spouses, and who gain up and attack people like children...

so tonite the hubs and i had our valentine dinner it was nice and a very nice couple sat next to us... they shared their salad with monkey (the man didnt like salad) and we chatted with the cook, it was a japanese steak house so they cooked it right in front of us!! so yummy and then a group across from us at another grill had a birthday and offered our daughter cake which of course she loved and wanted over her chicken-oh well she ate alot of veggies so its ok!!

anyways we came home and as i got out of the car and had my daughter my old so call friend and her husband attacked me! did i mention my daughter was in my hand- awesome parents arent they!! ya cause i told her daughter (his step daughter) i didnt hate her and sorry i met her snake of a mom... hahah love it!! well cant wait when her daughter is 16 and pregnant because her mother never teaches her anything about life and keeps her in a bubble... then as i try to walk into my house they (both husband and wife) keep coming at me and then another neighbor joins saying she says shit to me!! seriously u r all full of it keep smoking ur weed!! so my husband takes my daughter then pulls me in... how mature!! gotta love these childish women... yes maybe telling her daughter she was snake was wrong but her daughter looked so sad like she did something wrong and she didnt, her mom is the fake one!! now they sit next door drinking and talking loud like it hurts me... sorry but all ur doing is showing how cliquie and childish you are and tuesday morning i will be calling the head housing lady once again... and if they keep up the noise and like i no they will smoke tonite i will call the mps, plan to give them only an hour more then i will call... keep it up the next base you go to if you go will be a rude awakening and i cant wait!

well snuggle time with the hubs (we are doing so much better)... now i kinda wish i didnt move here saving extra money isnt worth being surrounded by drugs and whores (seriously they walk around in stripper clothes like they think they r hot!)

gotta love girls that have never been in college or had a life outside of their parents straight to being married

Valentines Day and such

so life has been decent with the hubs... besides monkey and i being sick we have done a little time here and there at the park... then yesterday this little girl told me she had the chicken pox! i didnt see much just some on her legs and one bleeding so of course today i called the doctors and they said i would know in about 10 days!! figures!1

anyways valentines day was kinda a bust... hubby got stuck at work till 530-6 so we couldnt go out to dinner like we planned... they are having alot of problems with soldiers getting in trouble (duis, stealing, and other stupidiness)!! so our goal is after he goes to work cause of all the screw ups and my councelling we are gonna do dinner!! japenese steak house yummy!!

the neighbors are not getting better just more immature but now the head of housing and the debty of the police are involved! my goal is atleast my neighbor no longer lives on post before i move and the crackhead i have the restraining order well she is thrown back to where she came from... they think they r hot shit the my so called friend who is worse then them she deserves what she is gonna get too!! i saw pictures of their slut nite out they all looked horrible so glad i wasnt invited no way would i have gone, i dont need men to hit on me and rub on me to make me feel good i have a husband!!

well other then that nothing really exciting going on... i saw a nephrologist who says the protein in my urine (sorry tmi) is basically destroying my kidneys and has been!! basically i could end up in kidney failure depending how back the protein is so i did more tests yesterday and should hear at the end of this week or begining of next whats going on and how bad it is... gotta love my luck... still trying for baby number two and every time i talk to family they ask if i am pregnant... really getting stressful since its been difficult :( fingers crossed

sick and stressed...

so the hubs came home sick of course and passed it to my daughter and now i have it... so its been a few long nites with coughing from all three of us!! but i do love the snugglely time with my monkey and soldier!!

we had a great time bowling last nite with friends!! then we came home and hubs thought the hookers (yes all the neighbors were going out dressed as hookers) were doing cocaine and confronted them... i was trying to get my daughter out of the car and not paying attention... so they supposely werent but whateva wouldnt be suprised if they smoked weed and were drinking and driving.. well one husband confronted the hubs today and he said i said sorry so whateva... honestly the guy was like we dont do that shit and all we were thinking is yes ur wife does she brags about what drugs she has done so dont say she doesnt when she brags about it!

anyways we got operation reunited photos done today!! the woman was awesome seriously worked so hard to get some hopefully good photos!! my monkey at first was very serious and not to into it, she is shy but once she warms up to ya she is a ham!! there were tons of dogs so of course the monkey and our dog wanted to play... it was a very nice beach!! and the monkey actually ran towards the water instead of away!! she even did some of just the hubs and i which was nice cause that doesnt usually happen!! cant wait to see them!!

so the neighbor has become more like elementary school every day i seriously want to punch my neighbor is the face... keep glaring at me cause i will explode and destroy alot of friendships and lives!! only thing that stops me is all the kids outside!! monday i plan to call the lady again and chat with her... basically i went to the highest person in housing and explained everything and how housing just said we will look into it and nothing is done and that anytime they are given a letter about their trash (which they leave everywhere/ toys too!) and the dogs not being registered as a joke the woman was not happy... she said she would call me back but after this weekend i just dont know how much i can take...thankfully its been raining and we have all been sick so staying inside isnt really a bad thing!

i am a little stressed the deployment is getting closer! the hubs got the poa and during the week he is fixing the money if he dies so that it will be a trust for our daughter... he also is gonna find out about poa's for our parents... we were told we need passports (which made me extremely nervous and stressed) espically since we never had to think about passports! i am seriously the only person besides the higher ups who has one! tomorrow we r going shopping for the ball which i am not truely excited about... i am not really friends with many wives, atleast here anyways i just cant trust anyone which is so heartbreaking to me... how can people be so snake like so act like a friend and then true around and be worse then the one who is a true bitch and u know will talk shit!? i have never wanted to be away from people so much in my life and pretend like i have never met them cause truly have made me question alot espically people i met thru the military... i know there are good people out there but right now in hawaii people just seem like they are users then once they dont need u they throw you away...

ugh well i cant keep living with this heartbreak so i am gonna move on and work with myself... the hubs and i r doing awesome which is nice... we really r just taking it day by day tonite he is playing poker and tomorrow he plans to get up with our monkey and let me sleep (which being sick i need)!! also he said he would go dress shopping with me and not to worry about matching him but we will see!

well i am gonna relax and zone out and hopefully soonthe hubs will be home cause i am having a bad nite i just wanna cry not sure why :(

this is my life?!

so the hubs is home and we have decided we would try and work on things... which is nice except for the fact i am surrounded by extremely fake people some who i thought were my friends! i so need to get off this island before things get worse...

so on a military spouse page there was a discussion about dirty homes and calling cys.. so i asked why would you call? since everyone seems to always says butt out of other peoples business when there is cheating or something like that but with dirty houses or neglecting kids they felt like its ok to get in... so of course i asked what they consider neglect? like to sending your kid to school so they can watch their sibslings? or that child bathing their younger ones?? well i have a craxkhead neighbor who does this and also thinks its ok to smoke pot in military housing! well my supposely friend who i found out has been sharing private information i shared with her with people i would never consider friends and people she is always sharing their info that they tell her!!(yes i should have realized if she is telling me what they say its vice versa but i didnt-lesson learned)... anyways she shared what i wrote with the girl who got very upset (obviously cause its true!) and this girl didnt realize that the supposed friend who told her i said this was the one who told me!! so then the next day the hubs came home, that friend"s husband decided to tell my husband that i was causing drama and this is the reason his wife isnt talking to me anymore... really cause u have stopped being a friend weeks ago!! so now that i have realized how fake she really is i plan to give her back everything she has ever given me, gifts or not i dont want anything from her! (hubby is so not excited about that but too bad!!

so the bad mom and the dumb bitch i have the tro on made a sign that said only fun people, but i am the immature one!! did i mention we have 3 new families here who just seem to hide in their homes!? ya welcome to elementary school!! so i called housing and then wrote a complainent to the ICE system for the military which i didnt know goes to the command of the post... opps... i honestly dont care supposely housing has been trying to get rid of the bad mom cause she is the worst in the neighborhood actully drove out one neighbor cause she is that bad! she wont drive me i plan to destroy her more then i have!! yes its not very adult of me i know this but karma is a bitch and i plan to also hurt my supposely friend! monday i plan to go to head housing and talk with the head people! my "friend" amd the bad mom both have been given many notices about leaving toys aound (which they still do plus their kids throw trash where they want) and that they need to register their dogs... neither think they have to do anything well i will make them be removed from post and i will hurt my "friend" she needs to learn that using people is not nice and she is worse then the bad mom atleast u know she is a fake bitch!

well gonna have some couple time while the monkey is in bed and he isnt playing wow (so hate that game!)

crossing fingers things work out for us and the elementary school bullshit is destroyed... i am not thrilled with what i started but maybe someone shouldnt be stalking what i write obviously she needed more gossip on me to share with people since i wont tell her anything since when i tried to confront her she advoided it by bringing her daughter...errrrrrrrrrrrr well i am over her and she has proven my point people from texas suck!! espically ones who join the military (now i see what her first husband cheated on her) i would too:P

Really

so i obviously have facebook but not many know i have a blog... for obvious reasons...

anyways i put a status up about fake friends the funny thing is this girl i literally just met messages me freaking out that its about her... sadly i never considered her a friend nor would i ever... i the more i got to know her the more i realized she was very fake... but the status i wrote today was honestly not about her... anyways i also wrote a message to another girl who i just met, saying if she doesnt want to be friends she should just say it cause making plans with me then cancalling to hang out with the other girl is not cool... i dont care if you want to be friends i understand i am older and leaving soon so whateva... anyways neither of these girls i ever considered true friends, maybe aquaintences if that... honestly i just started to get to know them not even a full month yet! sadly my status was about the girl who pushed away from me cause i am moving but then she just told me today she is leaving literally about the same time!! seriously i think it was more the fact i wasnt sitting back and letting the druggies and clique run the neighborhood anymore i spoke up and she sat there and was their bitch!!

but on a good note 3 new families have moved in!! the clique isnt thrilled but i am cause will be a whole new vibe in and some of the shit going on will change :) (fingers crossed)

my new moto: work on me and delete the negative and i started this by working out and deleting the nonfriends off my facebook... moving forward and excited for the possibilities :)

not sure

not sure about alot anymore... the more i sit and think the worse it gets... i honestly dont think the soldier (hubs) wants to be with me anymore, everyone else has gotten a call and he hasnt... u would think he would borrow someones phone and try to call or something...

it seems like everyone around me is pulling away or questioning anything i do... like yesterday i went to housing to ask about carpet cleaners (like if there is a specific comany i am suppose to use) and stopped at the park so my monkey could run around and have fun, on the way back a neighbor saw me stopped his car and asked where i was coming from... seriously do i have to check in with everyone!? i just dont feel like i can trust anyone...

i guess the not calling really lets me know where i stand... i have completely shut down which is bad cause i need to talk care of my daughter... nothing seems to be helping and tomorrow is an frg thingy and not even sure if i want to go...

sunday i might be going to lunch with someone i thought was a friend (the one who pushed away) to confront her about everyhting... but for some reason i dont think she will come she will come up with some excuse of why she cant go... i just dont understand people anymore, guess all army wives are like this they only are friends with u when they need u but back away when they dont need u anymore...

i just give up i guess... really wish my heart wasnt breaking and i didnt want to just cry

codependent

so i had another councelling session... basically been going once a week 3 sessions so far only 12 that i can go to...

so the first session was just me crying telling him my past and whats been going on...

the second, i brought my monkey (no sitter cause not trusting the one person who i thought was my friend-posted before), so we talked about how things were, mostly the whole drama with my neighbor and how the hubby and i talked about not allowing for change...

so my third session (the other day) was about being codependent, being raised in an alcoholic family, and being used by people who i thought i could trust...

so it kinda bugged me, seriously this counceller is getting on my last nerve... i am not codependent i am very independent, just at times like everyone i need someone to make me feel... feel in general about anything, everything just feel wanted... which lately i dont feel like i have anyone... or i am just pulling away which really sucks for my daughter but she still is happy we went to the park- a mommy and daughter date and she loved it!! now i just have to teach her that just cause there is two slides doesnt mean one is up and the other down... gotta love toddlers :)

ok so back to the codependent things, to me you have to have someone always around, telling you what to do and just always depending on them for everything! and i dont have or need that... yes sometimes when i do something i may ask for understanding not agreeing which to me is completely different but of course the stupid counceller felt its the same... which to me was very annoying... if i talk to a friend i dont expect them to always agree but understand which i guess i was wrong... i dont know anymore it would be nice to talk to someone who knows me but i havent told anyone whats going on so its hard...

the therapist wants me to express my feeling which i gues i never do... but to me how can u when everytime u turn around and try someone tells u u r wrong and cant feel that way?! so i just dont anymore or atleast express it which is why i am so stressed and angry lately but not like anone really cares or tries to even be there... ugh well i just dont know what else to say.... so i guess i will end this

but i will stand by i am not codependent and sometimes i just need soemone to understand and i dont think that makes me codependent :P

Friendship

such a funny word... yup that seems odd to say but what is friendship?

the state of being friends (or friendly)wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn
Friendship is the cooperative and supportive relationship between people, or animals. In this sense, the term connotes a relationship which involves mutual knowledge, esteem, affection, and respect along with a degree of rendering service to friends in times of need or crisis. ...en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friendship

atleast thats what google says...

so why do i keep ending up with people who only want to be friends when its good for them or if they need something and when they are done with me they stop talking to me... yup i know how to pick them...

so the reason i am questioning this is cause a "friend" who was there in the delivery room when my daughter was born, has started pulling away hanging out with people she has said in the past she doesnt really like... i am getting ready to move so she says she just doesnt like byes but that is apart of military life so why make me feel like i was only a convienent friend?? when i tried to say something she says i am always angry and seem mad... well wouldnt u be? when one minute someone texts, calls, hangouts like every day then all of a sudden is never around, always busy?!

if this is whats gonna keep happening in the military life i dont know if i will survive u need your friends... i just dont know what to do since one minute what i did was right (the restraining order) and the next i am over reacting! make up your mind seriously how can you stay neutral all the time and not expect there to be problems?!

ugh thank god for blogging so i can vent... time to get stuff done around the house and pretend like everything is great :( can this deployment just start so i can move home!

Are you serious?!?!?!?

so not only today was the dumb neighbor served she decided to let everyone know and laugh about it like it was a fucking joke! seriously r u that fucking immature!?

this was right before my "friend" decided to tell me the reason she doesnt text or hang our or talk to me as much cause she is pulling away cause she hates good-byes! seriously you are a grown ass woman... whatever i dont care it just shows me that this lifestyle people are "friends" with you just till they dont need you anymore...

then after the whole being served i asked her if she thinks i overreacted and she says she thinks i am, this is after that day she understood and would have done the same...

so i called a friend from back east who told me its cause she is afraid she will have to deal with these people longer them me since she doesnt know when she is leaving...

i dont care tomorrow i plan to go to the head housing office not my stupid office and talk to the guy about this neighborhood and hopefully have a few people removed! seriously they are completely disrespectful doing drug on post while their husnads serve! i dont care what you use to do you are living here basically free with all these extras, yes i realize they take money out but i just think you get this house and other things and not have to worry about much you should respect your spouses job! they get drug tested so why would you think its ok? also having extra people live in your house just cause you dont feel like being a parent or cause you think its ok and let them bring in drugs is so wrong and against housing rules...

lets hope i can get things changed or atleast make people realize i dont play this high school bullshit and i will handle shit and not just sit there and let you do what you think is ok just cause you were raised that way! i was raised one way but i wont do things that disrespect my husband's job!

ahhh i am over this island and if i dont leave soon i may go crazier then i am!

so glad i have all these people that are so trustworthy (sacrasm)

and the award for worst mom goes to:

yup thats right me... well i feel that way... at the park the other day we were having a fun time with 3 of her new playmates (finally kids close to her age) and enjoying some snacks... and my poor little monkey fell backwards off the bench :( she is fine just a little bump but i was completely crushed... i know kinds fall and bump things but still... this was the day after she ran into the door frame and has a bruise on her forehead!! yup my kid got my clumpsiness (sp?)... poor kid!!

so that nite i came home my friends hubby checked her head after bathtime cause i just wasnt sure what i should be looking at plus my heart was crushed!! she is 100% fine back to normal running around and enjoyed the park today but still i felt terrible...

as i sat in my bed i wondered if i was only meant to have one? could i really handle another one?? i honestly feel like the worst mom ever right now and i guess if it was meant to be it would have happened but it didnt so maybe its not suppose to?? i would love her to have a playmate but i just dont know anymore :( after a few bumps within a few days i just feel horrible... i also dont really take her outside anymore here at home thanks to the crackhead neighbor but she has been not home all weekend, but it was also right after she got served well sorta they tried twice and now she has to pick it up! i am going to the head housing guy tomorrow i am just over having to change my life for someone who doesnt respect anyone!!

ugh well i havent slept much thanks to just everything that hs been going on with the hubs or whateva he is, the neighbor, and now my poor monkey :( but hopefully by the first week of february i will have some ideas, sleep, and happiness.... fingers crossed

my past has biten me in the ass once again :(

ok so i know i keep saying i will write about this and that later and since i went to the councilor alot of my past of course came up... ugh so annoying

ok so lets start with the fact that cause of her daddy being gone my peanut has decided to have a temper fit every time her daddy usually comes homes and continues till he calls, goes to sleep but wakes up crying throughout the nite and the first few nites 3am but this morning she wanted breakfast at 5am then went back to sleep about 6am till 930... this may kill me!!

well after that fun morning we went to the court to file my fun restraining order... i should have found out by 3pm but the peanut missed her morning nap so i needed to get home to have her take her nap... not that it helped she still was very grumpy when she woke up and screaming for no reason even after dinner... when she screams like that i feel like the worse mom ever... i know its not my fault and military life is hard but i just wish she was not as sad and frustrated or atleast i could help her :(

ok so my past (i guess i should appologize this may be long)...
i grew up in a rough house... my parents are still maried but my dad drank alot and hit me when he was pissed or i fucked up... but its the past and i guess its soemthign i will learn to get over with, i will never be like that with my daughter i cant :(

well i never really had any healthy relationships with guys but what would u expect i guess i dont know how to (atleast thats what the therapist said)...
my first bf treated me like i was a trophy he won over a football player... we went to different schools and worked together, he seemed like a nice guy (key word seemed)!! the football player had asked me out first but i wasnt really interested in either one plus i was going on a family trip for almost 2 weeks so no point to start a relationship... well the first guy went away for the summer and cheated on me, bragged to all his friends but denied it to me... i met another guy at work, wicked nice from washington... he was only here for the summer but we kept in contact... he almost was my first (ya i know tmi), anyways he ended up going into the army and becoming a ranger so when the iraq war started i havent heard from him since, sucks.... well after that i dated the football player that orginal asked me out... we were together for awhile almost 4 years... he cheated on me and i stayed, i let him destroy all the friendships i had and put alot of fighting with my parents... i did a ton of stupid shit-sneaking him in, spending the nite with him, and tons of lying to my parents. i honestly wish it was different cause my senior year of high school was very depressing and destructive...

after the cheating i basically drank and took pills to stop the pain, never together but just to stop the hurt... i also started cutting... ya i know not good but i had nothing and then i went and visited a friend at school and was raped... i got help but its always there and took me a very long time to have sex sober and like i even wanted too... sad but true
then i decided i needed a start over and moved to virginia went to school lived on campus and continued the cutting and drinking... so i started making bad decisions... i went to a party and met a guy who took advantage of the situation and basically had sex with me, how drunk i was there was no way i could have said yes...
after that i met a guy who i thought was nice... well we were off adn on for 4 unhealthy years... very abusive.. mentally and somewhat phsyical... we ended it but continued to have sex, so ya i realize its not ending but i was also seeing other guys which was stupid... when we finally stopped everything was when he said to bad u didnt die during your surgery cause the only way one of us could be happy is if one of us died... awesome huh?? i wished it was me every day :(
then i met some awesome friends who i still love to this day!! well there were a few i could have done without... one nite after alot of drinking i stayed at a friends house, she left me to go with her bf... she had another "friend" stay in bed with me to make sure i was ok... well even though i was blacked out i tried to push him off but he wouldnt take no for an answer... you can guess what happened... only 3 people knew what happened and who did it... i didnt want more drama between our friends so i kept it to myself...

not to long after that i kinda stopped drinking as much or atleast hanging out with certain people... i met my husband and then we are here, not sure what will happen...

yup thats my life... basically alot of crap and some how i found a guy who wanted me to be married to me and have children with me and i fucked it up....

i think i overwhelemed the theraptist cause he looked at me and said i looked tired and need to learn to love myself... honestly how can someone love themselves when everyone has always pushed them down to nothing?? ugh

sorry so long i said i would let u know and now i need to fix myself and try to save my marriage, wonder if it works :(

please dont feel sorry for me cause if i didnt go through all this i could not survive everything i go through espically be as strong as i am... right? i mean u need to be strong to be an army wife and dependent and i think all my shit has helped me!

ok i will end this and crash now... another long day back up to court to see if i will actually get the order *fingers crossed*

hahah gotta love karma

so i went to housing they are gonna look into the whole extra people living their for my crazy neighbor...

went to the mps filed a report... they understood why i waited and then said i have to go to wahiawa to get the restraining order but went their and they said nope have to go to honolulu...

i also let my husband company know... they at first thought it was against my husband and were freaking out since he is at ntc... so funny!! loved that afternoon call of a confused husband...

cause of when i found out it was done in honolulu and it was 2pm i am waiting til the morning but i plan to call first and make sure they will give me one!

the crackhead came to my door talking all this bullshit about how she felt like i was attacking her kids by ignoring her daughter... i told her i dont feel like she is sincere based on how the day went today and just her bullshit that comes out of her mouth! she then proceeds to say my friend is talking shit about me and saying i am crazy just like her and beat my husband (such a good laugh)!! well anyways i was like is that it, and she said ya i said ok and shut my door... i feel like her husband got in trouble by his co so she had no choice!

gotta love my life... i really hope i can get the order cause i would like to be able to take my daughter outside and let her enjoy the sun when its sunny!!

welll tomorrow i will write about the councelling and my past since i know i have mentioned alot but always said i will talk about it later... plus councelling about anger and just everything as long as i am confortable we will see its a guy so he may not understand :(

crazy-assness

ok so after that title i should explain, awhile back i moved from gated community across the street from main post to older housing next to people i hung out with!! well yes this is an old house and very annoying to clean i love the fact there is kids for my daughter to play with espically my friend's kids!!

anyways today my friend and i ran to the store to get a soda and she grabbed some mini m&ms for her kids and one for mine (she always done nice shit like that)... her husband stayed and watched all the kids... hahah lucky him!! so basically everyone is out with their kids no biggie... there is one female who has 3 kids with another guy and is now married to a soldier who use to be her client, yup i said client! she was/is a stripter! whateva i dont hold that against anyone people gotta do what they gotta do to put food on the table... anyways she also sells and uses drugs and to me on a military post and married to anyone in the military is disrespectiveful to their career and to the military in general! i realize she can do what she wants but she is not a quiet person and barely controls her kids!

ok so she was outside with her youngest who is about 2, my friend and i came back and were walking towards the kids and i had the m&ms... so i handed one to my daughter one to one son who was playing with mine and then the next son and the last one who was sitting with their dad... well i guess her youngest saw the candy and started chasing behind me saying i want, her mom (the stripter) said no come here! she didnt listen and i kept walking, not my job to tell someone no or help parent if the parent is right there!! well all of a sudden she is yelling at me about ignoring her kid and turning my back on her and what not!! seriously crazy bitch!! so i continue to walk and go sit with my friend and her hubby on the porch while all the kids play and enjoy their m&ms and she comes up screaming and flipping out with her sister half not even in english!! (she is hawaiian so thats why not all was english)...

so my response was karma is a bitch and just ignored her... saying i am not afraid of you and her saying next time she would flatten me out!! seriously who says that shit in front of kids!!?? well my friends husband was livid and he never gets that mad or atleast i have never seen it... so he went to her house told her to never yell in his yard every again that he doesnt do it and doesnt want that around his kids! he doesnt care what her problem is with me or vice versa... so she said sorry but of course tried to blame me, sorry asshole he was sitting right there! he also told her next time she screams like that at whoever he will call the mps!

well the hubs or whatever he is (still in the air) called to say good nite to our daughter.. and i told him what happen.. i told him i am going to housing and the mps... he also said to go to rear de and talk with the sgt in charge... and he fully supports me suprisely!!

i am just over this bullshit and i dont appreciate being threatened and the fact that she is local and her whole family is a call away i am not gonna start shit its just so childish and my child doesnt need to be around that! if i had to fight someone it would be one on one other then that its whateva i walk away! i definately dont appreciate her telling her sister where i live thats just not cool at all and doesnt make me feel safe! i know its post but still i should feel somewhat safe right?

ugh ok done venting i will post after i hear what the housing, mps, and rear de say... gonna be a long ass day

30 days

so the spouse or whatever he is right now is gone for a bit... 30 days or so

which unlike some wives works for me... now we can both think or figure things out without having to just look at each other and fight!! which thankfully we hold off till our daughter is in bed...

anyways since he is gone i have a list a things i need to do before the erd (military move bakc to mass) for this deployment.. and our dog leaves to my parents house next month! we felt it would be less stress on me for him to go early so i wouldnt have him and our daughter on the flight considering i hate flying and stress as it is!!

so my to do list:
1. shave the dog- yes that sounds weird since he wil be going some place cold but he is on medication cause of a flea bite and is shedding and stratching like crazy driving me crazy!

2. bath him- i plan to wait till tomorrow nite, the bug guy comes monday so i figured the nite before even though he doesnt have fleas would be best espically since he is going to my friends house for a few hours and she has two dogs!!

3. pre-vaccuum the entire house! also either sunday or monday depending on the weather tomorrow.

4. after bug guy, post vaccuum for the next two days and wash everything in the entire house espcially my daughter room since that is where he sleeps!

5. clean up floors so bug guy can spray- toys, clothes,ect... but i can leave all my daughter stuff in her crib till after the spray just in case.. (gross i know but she has a few bites even after i change her sheets!)

6. inventory house- a space a day should take me about a week and half... at the same time figure out what to sell and sell it (old clothes that dont fit, toys that we dont use, ect...) pictures and descriptions so i figured a space a day would be good cause i only get like 2 hours if i am lucky at nap time to get what i need done!

7. start working out... i really want my odl body back! i saw someone the other day who i havent seem in months and she was like oh did u lose weight u look good?!? and that was nice but honestly do people say that just cause they have nothing else to say?? i havent gained or lost any since i had my daughter i swear! (wii fit and wii zumba and gonna start back walking when its not raining or atleast try)

8. councilling... i have really bad depression which i have had for awhile, seen somoene in the past but since i got out of school i just cant afford it or havent found the right person or basically made an excuse to i wouldnt go... i hate meds and for some reason doctors like to put me on them... but i am going to a mediator/counciller like my husband and i did when we were having problems (he wont go again thinks its stupid- awesome right)... besides the depression i have angry management and trust issues with men (well u be raped by someone who was suppose to be your friend or someone you trust and have every guy you ever been in a relationship with abuse you and see how trusting you are, not to mention the issues with mental and physical abuse with all these past relationships)- basically i am broken and i know this but so did my husband but guess he now is seeing how broken...

so i guess thats my list doesnt seem like alot but it is... we have a 4 bedroom, 2 level,, 3 bathroom house with a porch (lanea) so i have alot of stuff plus i am a ocd hoarder, yes i am admitting i hoard but not nasty its all organized in boxes and labeled so thats why i say ocd hoarder (heheh i know you are all amused)... my goal s sto start this list tomorrow obviously i have to with some of it, pre bug cleaning... and i alsready shaved my poor monkey butt dog (yes he has bitten/stratched almost all the hair off his bum so he looks like a monkeys butt so sad)...

i am also gonna be as supportive of my spouse or whateva we are now... or atleast work on it... for our daughters sake... thats why i am doing the councilling...i know he would never cheat but still why would you wanna be with someone who isnt happy and cant seem to be happy and you think everything you do is wrong and never gonna get better?? i know he feels this way cause he has told me and i know i do it atleast i recognize it but its hard to fix when you are depressed... a large part of it is being trapped on this island... i dont hang out with too many people, though i met two really nice girls yesterday they were both young and pregnant (which for someone who was trying for a baby and hasnt gotten that lucky is hard)... i miss my friends in virginia!! honestly i had both military and nonmilitary and i would consider them all family!! no mater what they were always there helping and making me happy! there i never really felt alone, i mean when i first moved there and was in school i felt it but then i made friends, got a job and found me!! i married who i thought and will always feel the love of my life, my soulmate and started an interesting life of a military wife but now i am on this island... so hard to met people, get a job, or just be yourself without people judging! i dont drink much anymore and i never have done drugs so some people (yes their are a few wives who think its ok to do this on base!) think that i think i am better cause i think its stupid and have no desire... i have lost control in the past wiht alcohol i dont need drugs to have it happen too!! i have had shit in my drinks no thanks! i like being able to know what is going and feel everything!! ya so drugs arent for me plus i dont like sniffing things or needles and smoking is gross to me...

anyways this blog is longer then i planned it was just suppose to be my to do list for the next month instead it turned into a little of everything... anyways i am so excited i cant wait to move home and just be able to see friends and family and just be able to be me and not have people be mean cause i am nice to someone they dont like !( sorry i am not in elementary school that was forever ago and i dont want to go back!!)

oh ya and i plan to talk to the 3rd frg leader so we can clear a few things up before this deployment starts... atleast give her a chance, right?? putting a hand out cant hurt?? lets hope... more to come!

ps no baby, period came early but no cramps thankfully...hehe i know u all wanted to know :P