i told him

so last nite while snuggling till i fall asleep since he had the aloha run (he was so not excited) he wasnt gonna sleep (his choice)... i just started crying and finally decided i should tell him.. i started off with please dont be mad or hate me... ya i know not the best way to start a conversation espically since he has been asking th epast few days if i am ok? whats wrong? and i say nothing everything is fine...

i started out with telling him its honestly not him... and asked if he thinks i have changed since we got here or before... he said of course i changed some good and some bad (awesome right, not)... so then i looked at him in the dark laying my head on his chest and said well for the past year i havent felt like me i dont know how to explain it but if i could die tomorrow i would be ok with it... i have been cutting and i am sorry i just dont know anything else...

he was quiet but he said he wasnt mad... now i think he realizes why i am back in councelling and why if i dont leave sooner then later i may get worse...

i also told him i would go talk to someone about meds, anxiety and depression... which if you know me is a big thing 1. cause i hate meds, last time was a horrible reaction where i would cry at the worst times and 2. i dont want to be looked at like i am crazy (yes i realize people wont know or care if they did but still)... but if it is something that will make us and me better then i guess i could be open to it... maybe lying to the doctors everytime they ask about depression isnt the best but i really dont like people knowing... (but i am blogging about it i know that is messed but if u think about it most dont really know me or if u do u may not realize its me)! the thought of anxiety medication is very scary anyone i know that has been on them takes them to get high and i am just not a drug person!! plus the whole fear it will fuck up my husband career is always there, last nite though he said no one would know he promised... so i guess i will call and make an appt and go from there.. thats the first step right?

this week will be crazy court on wednesday (extend the tro to three years), thursday bbq for the company (even though soldiers havent been told), ship the pup to my parents on friday, and saturday ball!! sunday will just be a nice quiet family day, which lately every day hubs has off we have done and its been nice!! oh and tuesday calling the poor housing lady and ask her all my questions ( i feel bad for her i have been calling her once a week since february has started)


well time to start my day... enjoying disney junior with my monkey till hubs get home from the run!!