how do i tell him

so i tried last nite and again this morning... i hinted at him, asked him questions which made me just say ohok i was just curious...

how do u tell ur husband you love with all ur heart that all you keep thinking about is dying and cutting? he says he will be mad since u made a promise to not do it anymore but u were good until you realized u lost you... yes i know cutting doesnt make me but it lets me feel me, if that makes any sense... i love my husband so much i just i dont want him to leave me cause i am hurting i just want him to understand that i am hurting.. honestly the other thing that bothers me about the neighborhood now is the fact that i trusted one girl and she totally betrayed me... sorry to tell u but if we talk and i tell u things personal or not just whats going on and then while sitting with other girls and i am not there throwing in anything about me just to have soemthing to say is talking shit! u accuse me of talking shit on the web when all i did was ask a simple question no names, stuff u have said on multiple occasions, just was curious if someone would step up and do something or just let it be and u turn it around like i am such a horrible person?! i stopped sitting there listening to someone complain everyday about how shitty her life is and how horrible her husband is and how she only has angry sex with him and uses it to her adventage cause there is only so much one person can listen to before they say just leave then... but i am the bad person? really?!?! the fact is you all act like you are high and mighty but you will fall and good chance destroy ur hubbys career in the process...

ok now after that seriously i need to get away from this island i have lost me... they have taken over my blog and my sanity and i know i shouldnt let them so i which stop unless something happens (fingers crossed) i am calling (once again) the poor lady at the head office and find out how many times before they do something, the mps know our neighborhood come here constantly atleast once a weekend! and always the same house before they do something!! even people in the housing office have said she needs to go so why doesnt she? her dog is not registered, she has had many chances to do it and notices, thats a violation! she also has tons of other violations for trash and toys and just being a bad neighbor from not just me but past neighbors so why continue to make this neighborhood suffer? you want good people to represent this place then get rid of the ones causing issues!!

anyways back to what this is suppose to be about my husband... i tried this morning asking him about the cutting and he said he would be mad, ok i understand that but would you divorce me? he said maybe... so now i just dont know what to do? my councellor said i should express my opinions and feelings and not shut them down but my husband said he would leave me so i am terrified if i tell him i am lost and not caus eof him or the military just being here, i lost myself my voice just me! i was slightly unhappy in virignia before we left cause it seemed my friends were judging my choices... yes i went from party girl to marriage in literally 2 short months! but almost 4 1/2 years later we are happily married with a toddler and trying for another one... yes we have our ups and downs but why cant you be supportive?i realize i didnt introduce him to them right away but i wanted him to myself, secret for just me... honestly when i was ready i would parade him around and i did!! i am proud of him not just cause he is a soldier but because he loves me and does so much for me except undestand the cutting... i just dont know

well its lunchtime maybe i will blog later for some reason i have blogged alot lately more then usual maybe i just have so much and with councelling all i can think about is kicking him in the head (my councellor).. the hubs did say he would make it to one session (no tricking or anythign just asking) but this week they get their gear for the deployment which i have tried to not think about... i know bad army wife just support him and suck it up its part of the life... i am ready for this deployment honestly its one short year, since i will be close to friends and family and then we start our new life as sf family so i am ready!! just dont want to think about the equipment and the actual leaving but i am ready!!

ps... to all my friends on the mainland i love you all your truely have been some of the best marks in my heart and life!!i know no matter how many texts, fb messages, or even calls if i really need you or you need me we are always there and my standards for friendship are not to high and if they cant be met by some people then i should move on theres a reason they came and left and didnt leave a mark!! thank you