ok so i know i keep saying i will write about this and that later and since i went to the councilor alot of my past of course came up... ugh so annoying
ok so lets start with the fact that cause of her daddy being gone my peanut has decided to have a temper fit every time her daddy usually comes homes and continues till he calls, goes to sleep but wakes up crying throughout the nite and the first few nites 3am but this morning she wanted breakfast at 5am then went back to sleep about 6am till 930... this may kill me!!
well after that fun morning we went to the court to file my fun restraining order... i should have found out by 3pm but the peanut missed her morning nap so i needed to get home to have her take her nap... not that it helped she still was very grumpy when she woke up and screaming for no reason even after dinner... when she screams like that i feel like the worse mom ever... i know its not my fault and military life is hard but i just wish she was not as sad and frustrated or atleast i could help her :(
ok so my past (i guess i should appologize this may be long)...
i grew up in a rough house... my parents are still maried but my dad drank alot and hit me when he was pissed or i fucked up... but its the past and i guess its soemthign i will learn to get over with, i will never be like that with my daughter i cant :(
well i never really had any healthy relationships with guys but what would u expect i guess i dont know how to (atleast thats what the therapist said)...
my first bf treated me like i was a trophy he won over a football player... we went to different schools and worked together, he seemed like a nice guy (key word seemed)!! the football player had asked me out first but i wasnt really interested in either one plus i was going on a family trip for almost 2 weeks so no point to start a relationship... well the first guy went away for the summer and cheated on me, bragged to all his friends but denied it to me... i met another guy at work, wicked nice from washington... he was only here for the summer but we kept in contact... he almost was my first (ya i know tmi), anyways he ended up going into the army and becoming a ranger so when the iraq war started i havent heard from him since, sucks.... well after that i dated the football player that orginal asked me out... we were together for awhile almost 4 years... he cheated on me and i stayed, i let him destroy all the friendships i had and put alot of fighting with my parents... i did a ton of stupid shit-sneaking him in, spending the nite with him, and tons of lying to my parents. i honestly wish it was different cause my senior year of high school was very depressing and destructive...
after the cheating i basically drank and took pills to stop the pain, never together but just to stop the hurt... i also started cutting... ya i know not good but i had nothing and then i went and visited a friend at school and was raped... i got help but its always there and took me a very long time to have sex sober and like i even wanted too... sad but true
then i decided i needed a start over and moved to virginia went to school lived on campus and continued the cutting and drinking... so i started making bad decisions... i went to a party and met a guy who took advantage of the situation and basically had sex with me, how drunk i was there was no way i could have said yes...
after that i met a guy who i thought was nice... well we were off adn on for 4 unhealthy years... very abusive.. mentally and somewhat phsyical... we ended it but continued to have sex, so ya i realize its not ending but i was also seeing other guys which was stupid... when we finally stopped everything was when he said to bad u didnt die during your surgery cause the only way one of us could be happy is if one of us died... awesome huh?? i wished it was me every day :(
then i met some awesome friends who i still love to this day!! well there were a few i could have done without... one nite after alot of drinking i stayed at a friends house, she left me to go with her bf... she had another "friend" stay in bed with me to make sure i was ok... well even though i was blacked out i tried to push him off but he wouldnt take no for an answer... you can guess what happened... only 3 people knew what happened and who did it... i didnt want more drama between our friends so i kept it to myself...
not to long after that i kinda stopped drinking as much or atleast hanging out with certain people... i met my husband and then we are here, not sure what will happen...
yup thats my life... basically alot of crap and some how i found a guy who wanted me to be married to me and have children with me and i fucked it up....
i think i overwhelemed the theraptist cause he looked at me and said i looked tired and need to learn to love myself... honestly how can someone love themselves when everyone has always pushed them down to nothing?? ugh
sorry so long i said i would let u know and now i need to fix myself and try to save my marriage, wonder if it works :(
please dont feel sorry for me cause if i didnt go through all this i could not survive everything i go through espically be as strong as i am... right? i mean u need to be strong to be an army wife and dependent and i think all my shit has helped me!
ok i will end this and crash now... another long day back up to court to see if i will actually get the order *fingers crossed*
No comments:
Post a Comment