Merry Christmas (Eve)

so we are all together this christmas with just our families far away but we plan to skype so our monkey can see the family and they can see her open gifts... it went pretty good on her birthday but now she loves the web cam and is more talkative (babbling but still she loves it)!!

things seem to be ok i just dont know anymore... it still hurts me he was talking to a girl and has something in common with her that we dont have in common... one friend of mine said i was over reacting she knows the girl and i have nothing to worry about she is fat and unattractive, but i wasnt asking her to agree with me just understand that skyping with someone is not right and in my opinion is worse then porn... another friend who is about to divorce her husband, he use to do the same thing and then actually hooked up with the girl! yes i know this is extreme but there are girls out there who do shit that gets them attention and destroys marriages...

well i dont know if its the deployment approaching or not but we are both stressed and fighting alot more.. he has started helping more by letting me sleep in every once in awhile and spending more time with our monkey! its nice but i just sometimes feel like our love/feelings are different...

the third deployment seems to be more stressful the last two and then after this we start special forces training just a lot of stress for us but in the end their will be no debt (fingers crossed) and a place of our own for good...

so not sure if i will get on here before the new year so i wanted to put a quick resolution, something that i honestly dont do
1. make it thru this deployment stronger and in one piece (moving to my parents house)
2. become a better wife and mommy
3. baby #2?? (we are trying but he is gone next month then we only have a few more months till he is gone)
4. get out of debt
5. find happiness!!!

yes they are vague but they are things i really need to do i need to make myself better.. i know a new baby is more stress but my monkey needs a playmate and i loved being pregnant it made me feel good about myself, which lately seems hard...

so we will see and maybe i will come up with new/better ones... merry christmas, happy holidays, and best wishes for the new years!!

ps shutterfly cards i ordered got in one day!! seriously they were in production monday and got them the same day!! very impressed!! and got them sent out and everyone actually got them before christmas!!!

lonely

so yesterday i wrote about my husband and his skyping during wow... well he slept downstairs and we are now barely talking... everyone except one friend thinks i am over reacting... the one friend who understands were i am coming from found out her soon to be ex husband was cheating on her their entire relationship and even with one girl on wow!!! yes i realize not everyone is like that but he has shown that he isnt happy with me... he will ignore me for hours and play wow then if he friend comes by he will go out and talk to him... then when he is ready for bed even if i may be watching something on tv he will be like well i am going to bed are you gonna snuggle... basically he is acting like how i feel doesnt matter... but now its at the point where i just feel even more alone then ever... their are days i just want to give up but then i see my daughter and basically i know i cant... on top of that i feel like the hub is only staying around to just keep his daughter in his life, like he doesnt want to be with me anymore...

i just wish i could get out of this rut... i look at all these blogs i write and most of the time its bad i guess thats my life right now... i wish things could get better and be happy but i look at things and i wonder what if??

we never had a wedding we went to the courthouse and did it... no one was there and only or bosses knew we were doing it.... not one of our friends knew espically since we had only been dating a short bit and they would all disapprove... when they found out they did said we wouldnt last, sadly i fought so hard to prove they were wrong... we didnt get married cause he was deploying honestly we didnt know that until after we said i do, but unfortunately it looked that way... neither of our families knew and his family found out we were married cause his father played the guilt card on him (long story but basically his father is an asshole who has nothing to do with me or our daughter), most of my family thinks we got married shortly before i got pregnant which we just plan to let they be... we hadnt met either family and i wasnt ready to marry someone my family didnt know... but guess it was a bad idea to marry someone this way, guess my gut was wrong, guess my heart was blinded...

i just am so stupid never seem to make the right decision when it comes to guys and just my life in general... atleast i got my beautiful daughter who makes life worth living cause without her i dont think i could make it :( i know messed up but its true....

i have realized i have lost who i am, i dont know who i am and i think thats where the biggest part of lonely feeling comes from... i dont work, i have multiple degrees which i do nothing with, i have very few true friends that have nothing to do with the military- not that the "friends" i have that are wives are horrible people but i wonder if i wasnt married to a soldier would we really be friends? would we really have anything in common??

who knows... but my peanut is fighting bed time so need to get her tired....

Insecure

yup i am one of the most insecure people i know.... i pretend as best as possible i dont care what people think or say about me but i am always crying inside if its bad... most people i have met thru the military have judged me based on others who dont know me or jobs i have worked... it sucks cause i have some very close friends who know me more then anyone (or atleast what i let them know)... my husband doesnt even really know me as well as he thinks he does... lately i basically have cried every nite or just wondered why i lived after some of the things i have been thru....

well tonite my husband who plays wow almost everyday was skyping with the people he plays with... not a big deal till i found out one was a girl... i asked him to not talk to her and he told me get over it, its just a game she is married and our mutual friends went to their wedding... i dont give a shit... hubs went on craigslists looking to met other women... so ya i dont trust him or other women right now...

so he is downstairs and i am in bed wishing i could just disappear...

to me it doesnt matter how in shape i am, how attracted he says he may be to me, i honstly dont feel attractive and i havent basically my entire life... everyone i know growing up including family has always made fun of me- my height, paleness, frecklesses, small boobs, smile, teeth, hair, basically everything... and since i have had my daughter i am even more insecure then ever...

i just dont have a good self image and have major trust issues (every guy i have ever been with has cheated).... i just dont know anymore.... he hasnt cheated but we got into a really bad fight he left and stayed with another soldier who was giving him info on how to get a divorce... then he admitted that he had gone on casual encounters to "met" girls... but his excuse was he was drunk and mad... so i just cant believe nothing is going on when he leaves the room to be on his computer

i dont know anymore... my self esteem is just getting crushed more and more but i know i need to get confidence for my daughter so she has a good female role model

i just cant seem to find this self esteem and just want to disappear....

its late and i guess i will leave it at that :(

letting people see my monkey thru my lens!

So i need to write a post with 200+ words about shutterfly

well honestly this is the first year i decided to use them, usually i go to walmart and get cheap cards or not any at all but since we had our daughter and everyone wants a picture of her i decided to use shutterfly plus its free!! i know you have to pay for the cards but you can upload pics and see what designs you ilke and its not just cards which i love!! i plan to do a photo album for the hubs for his deployment!! with all the choices of decisions and flat or folder you think it woudl be easier something for everyone!! well not for me everytime i look i see a new one i love plus you dont have to do the tradiitional 1 photo family card! you can pick one or two or five photos!! i also love the fact you can do effects to it and make them smaller and upload as many as you want for the card then you can save the card then compare it with others you may like!! and since i can't decide which card is the best or even which picture i like this is a great option!


http://www.blogger.com/photo

http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/holiday-cards

http://www.blogger.com/thank


why did i pick these three well cause right now i am making a christmas/holiday card and with all the options in these first two links you know you will find something that everyone will love!! and the thank yous well last time i used walmart and they dont have too many options and are slightly expensive! unlike shutterfly they always have deals and different ways to say thank you!! plus you can be creative not the normal picture saying thank you!!

my favorite card well so far i have a few! not sure if i want to rub it in everyones face haha i am in the hot hawaii sun while you are freezing your ass off or something more christmasie??

there is the warm wishes??? which would definately represent us in hawaii and be able to get a few pics in!!

or

snowflake wishes noir?? which we can do 4 pics, one of all of us and then me and monkey, hubs and monkey, and the pup and monkey!! which is more christmas style??

or

noir stars?? which we can do one pic pic of all of us, the 3 individual then just one of the monkey by herself???




see so many choices!? well i did see more i liked but i already started adding pics and since the hubs is planning to do sf i try to advoid pics with him for now!! so let me know which one you think suggestions are welcome!! but i think i am more for number 2?!

so things may be looking up

well atleast sorta... we obviously have not resolved the issue of craigslist but it doesnt help either the hubby wont talk about it and says its not him and then walks away... i guess he feels things are back to normal since we kiss again and have had sex (sorry tmi)... i just dont know i dont want to fight i want a good marriage but i feel part of it is this deployment coming up... i think he is really stressed and just wants to not worry about anything... we are back on baby number 2 or atleast trying... so we will see (fingers crossed)

we have taken pics and i am trying to get the christmas cards together but its hard considering i hate the way i look in pics... oh well hopefully some will come out nice!? and then i can settle on a card- way too many choices!

hubbys eye surgery went well, then when they took out the contact (covering to protect the eye) tissue started balling up rather then going flat so 3 trips back to tripler (if you have never done it, its traffic all the time and always long waits to not get much help since it was the er twice and they didnt even understand what prk was (laser eye surgery)... much better now and then we start ntc soon!! so more about that on the other blog

well gotta get the monkey down for a nap!!

Not sure if I will make it....

so a few months back the hubs and I were having major problems, threw him out, then we went to counsiling... well everything seemed to start getting better until yesterday... i wasn't looking for anything i was using his laptop so i could check craigslist (you never know what you may find) and for some reason the only thing highlighted (like it had been checked in) was casual encounters... so i asked him tried really hard not to freak... his first reason was well whne you threw me out i was drunk and mad so i went and looked didnt met anyone (made my heart sink) then he said he must have been another soldier who used his computer... seriously if they are suppose to be doing work then why are you letting the on craigslist!? no response

but then i checked what dates had been looked at and it was Nov 20th the nite i went out with the girls as a belated birthday nite and he stayed home with the baby... know i am completely crushed, cant trust him, look at him or anythign... all he does is deny it...

i just feel like i failed as a wife, army wife (i know its not any different but it can be atleast in my eyes), mother, a person.... so last nite i just started cutting again... the one thing i promised him i wouldnt do but i just dont have anyone i can turn to... sadly i dont feel like i have any friends who would understand military or not... it hurts even more cause we were talking about a second baby and start trying now but i just cant believe he would want a child with me but want to be with someone else...

i know i am not the best person or even the easiest to deal with... i dont know how to do certain things or deal with emotions... my parents didnt have the best relationship but they are still together.. the hubs promised to never cheat on me with a man or woman (his dad left his mom for a guy- now that is my biggest fear)... he hasnt touched me, leaves to go to something and takes longer, now i find out he has been going on sites to met people! if i knew that this was how he felt that i should have been a one nite stand then i wish he would have left it that way...

i know cutting is not the answer but i need to be a mom and its hard looking at her and thinking i am a mistake and you are a gift... sometimes i wish i just died in my car accident maybe everyone would have been better off.............

Ban Wagon

so i have officially jumped on the ban wagon, that is the shutterfly one... i entered the info and will hear back... even if i dont get the free fifty (which i honestly dont think i need 50) i will still order my cards...

i orginally wanted to do a family photo with us in funny christmas t-shirts, since we r in hawaii and sweaters would be a little much... but the hubby vetoed me! so instead we r doing jeans with nice shirts and our monkey in a pink dress that the hubs grandmother got her... oh and we will have the dog too!! a family friend is gonna help with the pics at the beach, so hopefully weather permitting we will do it tomorrow, i can get the card picked out and ordered by sunday then mail them when they get here... i know shutterfly will mail them for a cost but since i am still waiting for addresses it would just be easier to do it myself...

now i just gotta pick the card! so many chooses and the hubs is no help so my friend said she would help but i think once we do the pics and i see which ones i like (group, just the peanut and dog, just me and peanut, then just peanut and hubs, and maybe just me and hubs)- he hates pics and our dog is terrified of the camara but loves our daughter, thankfully...

we adopted him and we were the 4th family so if we didnt keep him we were not gonna be allowed to take him or they would just have put him down... i said no way we will keep him he is perfect! that was right before our first deployment, and 4 yrs later he is still part of our family and everyone who mets him tries to take him! even my parents!!! he is 30 lbs wont get any bigger, very cuddlely but protective when he has to be... he barks somewhat but only cause he learned from a neighbors dog... and he is awesome with our daughter!! which to me is number one!


anyways (always getting side tracted), everytime i look through the photo smaples i see like 3 new ones i am like oh that would be nice, hunny what do u think?- his response, i dont care do what makes you happy! seriously help please!! so once i get the pics i will post the one we pic obviously the sample and not the one with our pics cause once the sf training starts this will be one less site i will have to remove pics from!!

well gotta figure out dinner... hope everyone had a great thanksgiving and black friday shopping (i did not go near a mall being a former retail employee)!!

nite

damn netbook

so my netbook broke! first took it to the place on base and they said they couldnt figure it out since its so small they have nothing to test it... so then i was stuck going to best buy, i dont mind going there just the drive is always and a headache and parking well small lot and everyone has a big car so they barely fit in the spots (i have a few dents now in my car thanks to hawaii parking)!! so the geek guy tells me hopefully we have a display cause we dont have a cord that will fit (its the eee, cute pic one :P)... so he then told me i need to call the manufactor or buy a new battery... so i called the manufactor they made me do stupid tests and basically its not the battery its the cord, errr... so the guy told me i need the copy of the receipt and i can get the cord free or pay like 50 bucks... so then i spent the next hour on the phone with best buy (very nice lady) and basically someone has to give me a call back so they can fax a copy of the damn receipt!! or i can wait like 6 weeks for a mailed copy!! ugh i dont know thankfully the lady was speaking english cause i probably would have freaked if i could barely understood her...

so now i am waiting for best buy to call me back.... exciting i know

on top of that my ring broke! the stupid arm that holds my diamond bent, and unfortunately there is no store here on the island so i had to call them and figures they r east coast time so hopefully they will call me tomorrow (at a responsible time) and i can get it fixed :( now my finger is naked... i am afraid the diamond will fall out so i am not wearing it...

this week hopefully we get better soon atleast we finally got my daughter's hero doll... long story but basically we moved, it was sent to the old address sat there, many phone calls and visits to the post office later and 12 days later finally we got it but she wont get it till christmas...- ok guess it wasnt that long but i do need to recall the 1800 number and rip someone a new asshole since they didnt do their job!! it took a woman to fix this seriously very annoying!!

well snuggle time with the hubby since he is off all week, he got eye surgery so he is "recovering"... really he is just playing wow and driving me crazy messing up our daughters schedule... heheh

niteynite

Name Change

as you can see i changed my blog name, well it seems this blog has become more then just my life as a mommy and wife so i decided the name needed to reflect that...

anyways we are finally in our new "old" place... its nice and no longer in boxes!!! putting on some finally touches today and tomorrow since the hubby had training all week... but i am happy...

my birthday came and went it was actually very depressiong... the hubby was gone so it was me and the peanut... a friend took me to dinner while her hubby babysat poor guy had 5 kids under 8 all with the begining the stages of the flu!! fun times

so besides moving and my birthday we are begining to begin the deployment training/frg meetings and all that jazz... i am moving home this time, island is getting to me and saving money and paying off bills would be much easier at home with plenty of help from my family plus i miss my friends and family!!!


we are still working on baby number 2 which if it happens in sooner i will be due mid deployment and around the hubs birthday... hahah which would be perfect ya definately suck him gone again for the pregnancy but we both want a second baby and a playmate for our peanut so why not!!

well other then that nothing new... some more news later

Lying

so last november my husband got home from iraq still smoking after he promised for the second time he would be done, the first was in Virginia when he said he wouldnt smoke anymore then went training and would hide the fact he was smoking 9had to hear about it from others)! well he didnt quit! he was using the star not telling me the bills would never get to us (but he was the one getting the mail so obviously he threw they away), then i finally accessed it online and ya so all these charges to basically max out the card (8000$) so now we r in more debt then ever and he wonders why he cant go out or get a 6pack... ok well back to the lying... so the other day he spent money from an account that is suppose to pay for his wow... i check it periodically to make sure its not overdrawn or anything... well he never said whta he bought and i didnt question it until the other nite when the bathroom smelled like smoke! he tried to say it was from being at the range... i believed him until i found the smokes then i flipped! started checking cards and realized he is a liar!!

if he lied about this little thing why wouldnt he lie about a gf or other small things??!! so now we are fighting and not talking and i am just ready to be done!!

why cant he just be honest, honey sorry i am stressed about deployment and everything so i have been smoking! is it that hard? yes i know i would be mad but not as hurt as i am about the lying straight to my face!! ahhh ok done venting time to shower and go about my day...

Just my thoughts

so i have been thinking alot about my daughter, happiness, depression, my choises, hubby, and of course life in general....


every morning i wake up look at my daughter who is laughing trying to get the dog to either join her in her bed or help her out, they are partners in crime!! all i see in her eyes is pure happiness and joy, a joy of life i never want her to lose but i know it will happen because look at todays world life isnt easy, her father is a soldier who may not come home, and well just being a kid seems to get more and more diffcult then ever! i am truely happy i have her because without her i just dont think i would be happy or feel alive...(i will explain that in a min)

happiness well just getting to send the day with my daughter listening to her laugh at just about everything and smile (with all her baby teeth in!) just makes it easier to realize i definately am glad i have a baby! my hubby does make me happy but he is gone alot lately and its putting alot of stress on us... (he had a school and now 2 or 3 nites at the range)...

depression... i know every once in awhile everyone has a crappy day but lately its more like i just cant get out of bed, i do (because i am a sahm and i love my child)... i know my hubby doesnt mean to but he makes me feel guilty for not having a job that brings in money is not just hard on him but extremely difficult for me... i have always had a job or even 2 so this is killing me! plus i have ptsd due to something that happened to me that i have tried to block out and one point it was just alcohol that blocked it but then i did talk to someone since the way i was handling myself wasnt the best ways (alcohol and cutting- i know terrible but i had nothing and no one)... since the hubby is gone alot espically at nite i just sit around thinking and getting more stressed about everything and just crying... sometimes i would love to be able to share with a friend but i cant i dont want peoples opinions of me (atleast the ones who do like me still like me) to change... i have always had a hard time making friends shy and just judged for choices i have made... i wish i could even talk to my hubby but that doesnt seem possible lately... we just seem to get into an arguement obviously a deployment is coming up so its expected...


stress is getting harder on me more so then ever... i help create the debt but as of right now i havent been able to help pay it off... and i control the bills and money since i can control anything else so of course we argue about that... he feels like he has to ask like i am his mom or has to be sneaky about spending money and thats a major problem... he will trhow it in my face that its his paycheck and then gets worse from there... i tell him he can divorce me if he doesnt care about being married and getting out of debt... i honestly dont think he realizes how stressed i am... i am at the point where i wanna cut again so badly i havent... i could never do something that could affect my daughters life or my hubs career... sadly i care more about them then myself...

also with halloween coming up we r going/helping at a party... i am freaking out about what i wanna be... ever since i got pregnant and had my daughter i am less and less comfortable about my body.... my self esteem is extremely low espically after i came across my hubs porn collection, definately didnt help the self esteem... so i was gonna do a 1940s pinup then i thought maybe flapper then maybe either alice in wonderland but then i realized i am not blonde or even comfortable with my body... there is also another wife who makes me feel tereible about myself no matter how many people tell me i look better but i dont feel it...

basically the hubs just isnt around much and spends money or just wants to hangout or not be around me and when i try to talk to him we just fight... ya sadly i can sum our life up in one sentence!

i am stressed... money is extremely tight... my daughter and i will be moving home to my parents for the deployment and of course holidays r coming up... the hubs basically maxed out the star (over 5000) and then theres my visa (over 8000) and i need milk, wic doesnt seem to pay enough milk for the little stinker serious she can kill a gallon in 2-3 days!! craziness of a one year old... since the break in of the hubs truck we put in the paperwork to move but we have to wait till they call and say yes or no... crossing fingers for yes and by next month even to old housing we could save 30% in old housing and just not be so stressed...

i finally finished my class and now just waiting for teacher to actually grade my last few assignments to i can get a job and start getting a pay check!! only good news is i may have found one $12-14 an hour (i am willing to take less if they hire me, since i have no experience) i get to work from home and even if i move the company wont change!!! fingers and toes crossed for that one!!!


so i realixed i jumped around on alot of topics but mostly how stressed i am and writing this kinda let some of it go... i just really really hope the happiness i see in my daughters eyes never goes away cause it is the only thing that helps me get thru the days right now!!

well off to bed since the little peanut enjoys waking up at 6am and i have just been so exhausted... still no second baby hoping for december though so maybe- baby dust my way!!

not such an exciting life...

so its been a bit but nothing really has been going on... the peanut is just running around making life always in motion... hubby is still at a school and now he doesnt come home and barely calls (so annoying)... the hubs truck got broken into and the person stole his ipod and the change but left the truck in disaray... so i feel completely unsafe... talked to housing and they said we can make a plea but the hubs has to sign it... so hopefully we get it and we would move to old housing so we could be near friennds, which would be a plus but it would be old housing... the only reason the hubs is ok with moving less then a year before he deploys is cause i dont feel safe and he works late alot lately or is gone at some school and its just me and the peanut, with not alot of sleep for me :( i am honestly not thrilled with the thought of old housing (black mold problems) but i will be near a friend and it will be nice to just not have to worry how long we r hanging out for and having to drive home (even only 10 mins away its still driving)... basically where we live now has a gate when i called housing they said they have been working on trying to get whoever deals with it to fix it, they also told it its only been 2 years but i know thats not true... they also give the same code to get in to everyone so everyone knows it no matter if they live here anymore or not... also we dont have security since we have the gate so there is a few people who have nonmilitary living with them, so random people now the code!!!

on a happier note:
we r making the peanut a lady bug for halloween!!! so excited cause this year she can walk to the doors even got her the mcds old school halloween pumpkin :) (my mom kept them from when i was a kid!! and the peanut loves it)


we are still workin gon baby number 2 but its hard without the hubby completely here for less then a month and trying in november we may end up with two babies on the same day so we may hold off till december... cross ur fingers and send us fertility dusk!! i know the hubs wants another one but kinda sucks at the same time cause he would miss alot of the babies first year but if we wait till r&r (which may not happen) then he would only miss half the pregnancy but be there for the end and the delivery...but i guess we just leave it up to god and just keep trying...

well thats about it same as always... i did get alot of my school done one week left and i finish 3 weeks early!! yeah me :)

so ready for next week and school being done and hubby being home to snuggle and maybe even get a job!! (work from home as a medical transcriptionist)

tattoos

ok so i have nothing against tattoos i have 2 so far of my own... i also have no problem with people who get their childs name!! what i do have a problem with is those people who suck at being a mom or dad and get the childs name to show they love their kid!! sorry but to mean if u r down to ur last $5 and u want cigerrettes but ur kid needs milk, u should get the milk but if u get ur needs that makes u suck as a parent!!! agree with me or not its just my opinion... honestly getting ur childs name put on you is not gonna make you the bext parent out of the blue and for the spouse who thinks oh how nice he/she really loves our child and me!! you are a moron...

i am saying things because this wife who is consistently (like every day) complaining about her husband how he sits there plays video games, will take her debt card and get himself something and ignore the fact the child needs milk or juice!! and then during a day off drink with the ass next door and most likely is cheating on her with a neighbor whos hubby is deployed! ya and they were on the verge of a divorce, she wanting to be erd home... i am over it, i dont mind listening but dont complain every minute every day and then take him back seriously! and just cause he got ur kids name on his chest doesnt make him a dad, it makes him look stupid to me... i understand she is pregnant now (stupid thought it would fix her marriage)... ya so she sits around on her ass and does nothing but what do u expect when u marry a child!! (they started dating when she was 16, she never has been an adult, not even 21 with child number 2 on the way)!! i couldnt live in a house that is not clean but i have ocd so i am crazy with cleaning but her dog has fleas and i feel so nasty when i leave there!! wash my peanut then myself and my dog never goes there!


thats all for now... basically all i want to say is "a tattoo of your childs name doesnt make you a parent"...

its been a bit

so not too much has gone on... hubs wanted to go to ranger school but instead is going to another school (mandatory) kinda annoying but its the army... i have learned one major thing that someone people pick and choice what rules they follow while others follow everything and most of the time the one who follows what they r suppose to gets screwed (or at least it seems to me that way)....

we tried to make another baby but didnt work this month... we were wishing we did cause then he would be here for almost the entire pregnancy and ya it would suck to miss the birth again or maybe they would give him emergency leave... who knows... so we plan to try again for next month but if not hold off in november since a second baby born in july will kinda be not fun... i want my baby to feel special on his/her birthday....

well besides that i have started to learn to sew... my friend helped me make 2 jersey dresses... we took fabric and t-shirts and made them a dress!! they r easy to make and fun for her to wear (plus inexpensive!) and i can always add leggings for cooler weather :) the next project is making my peanuts halloween custome, a lady bug! i cant wait hopefully she will look good!!

school is moving along!! finally the teacher started grading.... basically i passed one in waited since he was suppose to be graded the following week, well almost a month later and 3 (yes three) emails later finally i get a response from the teacher!! letting me know she has a life and a new job... well then the syllabus shouldnt say within 2 days depending when u pass it in.... basically i lost some motivation for a month but getting it back and dont have too much left and the section i am working on now goes by much faster then the last!!! anyone who plans to do medical transcriptionist be prepared for tons of typing and needing plenty of time to do it (and many of people who have horrible accents hard to understand)

well thats about it for now... i know exciting life :)

Finally I stood up for myself!!

yup I did it and I am so proud of myself... so I went over this wife's house... ok so I didn't completely confront her but I let her know how I was feeling... I told her I don't mind being there when she needs someone but calling me only when you need something just isn't cutting it! so basically she felt bad and said she was sorry she just didn't want to call or text me all the time and run me away... which I get so hopefully it will change even when the hubby comes home since when he is around she disappears...

lets hope!!

doormat

so that is how I feel lately with certain people in my life...

let me explain:
so this girl who's hubby is in my hubby's company (lower rank-not that I care at all), use to have a circle of friends (yes that is what they called themselves not me-middle school much)... well one day they all stopped talking to her cause of drama she started "supposely"... (talked about it before- a wife was being choked and she told me then the one who was choked tried to mess with my hubbys career)... anyways, the wife who told me seems to not have any friends, I dont mind hanging out with her since our daughters are close in age and can play and we can just hang out (I dont' mind listening to the drama but I don't want to be in the middle of it)... but it seems like she only wants to talk when her hubby isn't home or doing soemthing to piss her off or if she needs a ride somewhere... I am not saying I wouldn't give her a ride but I am tired of being used, guess is the best way to put it... next week the guys are gone so I wouldn't be suprised she tries to call me all the time to "hangout"... she once even mentioned how she hasn't been off post in forever, their car needs to be fixed but for some reason they haven't done it yet and her man drives it to work everyday... and then the other day he went golfing instead of being there for her, not to mention how much they need to clean their house! (dead flies just laying on the ground and her feet are black when she hasnt moved from the couch!-so nasty) I understand she is pregnant but he has been getting off early every day he could help... just my opinion

so I don't even know what to say to her... I don't want to be her friend when she has no one cause that is extremely draining on me and lately when I want to scream I start a fight for no reason with the hubby just so I can yell... I know its wrong but what can I say to her? she lost all her other friends for doing the right thing (in my opinion) and the guys are worse about the gossip then the wives (just saying)!! I am not a temporary friend but she makes me feel that way! I don't mind being there when she needs it but its definately a one sided friend and I have no idea how to let her know its not cool............


ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... well back to homework and pretending my phone is dead (heheh i know shitty but what can i do)

update

so i took the peanut to the doctors, when i called them they said she needed to be seen!! anyways, we got there and she had basically been napping all day and barely eatting or drinking... we had the same nurse that was there for her one year check up so she screamed the whole time while she tried to take her tempture... it was 102.8 when they got it!! so they gave her tylenol and said 2 ml that i was giving wasnt enough but it knocks her out so why would i give her more!?!?!?

well the doctor came in her room (not her normal pediatrian bt still very nice), anyways he said that her throat was very red!! she does have the bug that is going around, a bug that every kid gets before they are two... but atleast its not as bad as it usually is this season the fevers are milder... the reason her fever is so high is cause of her shots, so i was right the shots were making it worse so she is having a mild reaction and it might turn into a rash but not to be worried...

it sucks there is nothing i can do for her except let her hang out in a diaper (which she finally stopped trying to take off!) and give tylenol but only 4 times a day every 4 hours, she can also have motrin but we dont have any and i dont really want a completely drugged up kid!!

well she is sleeping for now hopefully she can sleep thru the night and tomorrow she will drink and eat a little more...

cross your fingers for us!!

rough day

so my day basically just started and started off pretty bad... last night around 1130 my daughter woke up screaming when i went to check on her to make sure she was ok her whole body was on fire!! she had just had a bath before i put her down and her room wasnt hot so i was alittle nervous... she wouldn't take a bottle but she let me take her tempature, it was 99.9... so i gave her some tylenol... that seem to help her lay down atleast... the hubby got home around 1230 (at the range all day) and she took a bottle from him (figures)... she finally crashed out laying on me at 1am and i was able to put her in her crib... this morning she was still sleeping at 9am but i took her temp again it was still 99.9!! so i called her doctors to see if i should bring her in or keep up with the tylenol since i know there is a bug going around but she just had her shots the friday before... they told me to come in... so i texted my friend (so i thought)... we were suppose to go see her and her kids but if haylie is sick i didn't wanna bring her over and spread it...

well once i told her i was bringing haylie to the doctors she told me i over react to much... i take her to the doctors basically every other week! 3 ear infections and 3 rechecks, her basical visits and one er trip cause she didnt pee all nite and she had a double ear infection, and once before we flew cause the doctor said we should since she just got over an ear infection, sorry i am a first time mom and i dont want my daughter to be in pain!! she said my kids chart is definately bigger then a normal kids and the doctors were gonna flag me as a having munchausin... which honestly i don't hurt my daughter or try to make her sick at all... i hate it when she is sick all she does is cry and sleep and she is so not fun!!

basically she crushed me...i know she has 5 kids and been through it all but why can't i take my kid to the doctors if she is sick! both me and my brother and my husband brother had bad ear infections as kids!! yes i know she is getting a tooth and she sometimes gets a fever but not where her whole body is on fire and not when i cant put her down for 2 seconds without her screaming...

before her party we took her in cause she was on bactrim for an ear infection and she seemed to be getting worse... it was a new antibotic and i called and talked to HER prediatrian... its not like yes this is what i want to do go spend 3 hours at acute care to be told she never had an ear infection she was diagnosed wrong but she has a cold that will get worse before she gets better!! i dont just go and make appointments i called the nurse line and asked is that really being a bad mom??

i just feel like everything i do is never going to be right for someone and everyone is thinking i cant keep a healthy kid!! i just dont know what to do anymore... one friend tells me i am not overreacting while another tells me i am....

i am just crushed right now.... hopefully she is ok and it is just a bug and not a reaction to shots... so far she is lucky no allergies until my husband and i (he is allergic to mycin and me iodine-fun times)

well gotta get things together for her appointment :(

a little vent

ok so if you dont wanna hear this then dont read anymore cause i am gonna mostly vent about stupid young people!!

i honestly have nothing against young people at all, i am almost 28 i know not that old but old enough that i am close to 30!! at 22 (back in 2005) i have surgery on my kidney and was told i may never be able to have kids... so getting pregnant with my daughter literally took my hubby and i 3 years (yes he was deployed 15 months) but we did everything; i got fertiality tested, took prenatals, watch what i ate, stop drinking soda, and did pee immediately after sex (sorry tmi i know)... but when we did it was bitter sweet, hubby deployed literally a week later :(

ok so after having my daughter i went back on birth control just in case (my mom had my brother and i 11 months apart)... so once he got accepted for the next phase of special forces and we knew there wasnt gonna be a deployment till next year if he stayed and waited on SP... so perfect time for baby number 2 plus our kids would be less then 2 years apart so playmates!! well of course i am having the hardest time getting pregnant, i stopped my birth control in march so we were thinking maybe may i would get pregnant and be due february or even april due in march... but still not pregnant last month my period was a week late but it ended up i had an infection (such a tease)... and again my period is late only a few days if i go off last month but still late, took a test and was negative (kinda crushed both of us)...

ok so anyways my little vent... i am tired of hearng all these young girls under 21 saying that they have a hard time getting pregnant!! seriously and you have been trying for how long?? a few years, thats nothing!! i know i am not 40 yet but still... if you have one baby and are pregnant with your second you dont have problems with getting pregnant... it took a bit cause you were not good at doing every other day or whatever else a doctor would tell ya... basically i would like to smack girls like that, sorry little girls but you cant have fertilaity problems if you arleady have one baby and about to have another one or havent even tried cause it doesnt happen over nite...

maybe i will be pregnant next month i just was trying to be pregnant and let the hubby be there for it and be there for the delivery... yes we realize he would miss the first year in person but video works wonders and i just want him to experience a pregnancy with me and a delivery (ok suffer alittle) hehehe

well good night... i am done venting hopefully i can sleep now and not just toss and turn all night!! two nights of crying myself to sleep for not sure why kinda sucks

why be so rude!?

so today we had my daughters 1st birthday party!! it went great sorta!! there was suppose to be 40+ people (including kids), so we got tons of food, a slip n' slide, (attempter) water balloons, a pinita, tons of sugar (cookies, cake, cakecakes, candy and chips), and presents!!

so the hubs texted all the guys from his company he invited the day before as we were on our way to the store... well everyone said ya we will be there... so we knew tons of food and fun would have been needed!! or so we thought

so basically he retexted everyone to let them know bring extra clothes for the kids we had water stuff to do (pretty warm day or it was perfect!) well 130 when the party was suppose to start one couple showed up but had to leave early cause of work (no issues there), then the hubs came back from getting more frosting and dropping the dog off with 2 other people (one didnt bring her kid cause she was cranky and her hubby didnt come cause he just wanted to play video games)... then all the people i invited showed up and one other family (just the hubby kids were in trouble)... so there was suppose to be like 5 other families (maybe 6) that said they would be there! they never showed up which is kinda rude in my opinion just cause of some bullshit drama that has nothing to do with me or my daughter!! it kinda hurt my feelings and the hubs i think was bother too (he plays to ask what the fuck was up with it on monday)... well the people that came made our peanuts day!!

it was so awesome... the pinita we bought u pulled strings inside of a huge stick... so the little kids actually got a shot!! it didnt work too good but then we all watched one soldier take a stick and swing like it was a fast abll at us! it was so funny cause it came crashing towards all of us! as i was taking a picture i ran!! but definately a good time and the sticker got a piece then got her presents!! toys a musical ones and a baby doll that she tried to kiss thru the box (she is so loving!!)

i am glad with the people who came and the ones who didnt fuckem they missed out!!! my cup cakes came out awesome, everyone chowed down!! i made spinach and arochoke dip, and a sour cream/mayo dip... i also attempted a cake but forgot to grease the pans so they didnt work so well!! first one came out crappy but the second one worked well and was enough for all the kids! i also made my own chips for the dip... i think i didnt pretty good since i am no martha stuart or betty crocker!!!

the little stinker had a bath which for the first time (thanks to her new bath toys) she jumped in well attempted! and then bedtime bottle and out cold once she saw the do was in her room with her!! (last nite the dog took himself for a walk so she wouldnt go to sleep until the dog was back)-best friends its so cute!!

well this blog is alot longer then i planned but honestly i am glad for the people i have met here and that were happy to celebrate our princesses birthday since our family couldnt be here!!

my little peanut

i cant believe it my daughter is no longer a baby she is official a toddler!! the hubs and i took her to get her ears pierced, i am tried of people asking if she is a girl or a boy even in pink! so we took her to claires... me being the chicken my hubby held her while two associates pierced my poor little peanut... of course it brought a crowd, a man holding down a little girls arms... i of course was kidding hiding cause watching her get shots sucks so i knew ear piercings would be just as bad... she screamed and i mean she was loud, with big tears streaming down her face... she didnt want daddy at that point just mommy... atleast now she looks like a little girl and now she wont remember the pain but can always just take them out when she is older if she doesnt want to wear earrings...

that was the weekend and basically cleaning to get ready for her skype birthday with the family and her birthday party... we are doing a skype since we are in hawaii and our entire family is on the east coast... thought we would do something nice let her open presents that the fmaily sent her and let them watch like they were at the party....

well this week is gonna be crazy, hubby starts actually training so my other blog will be used a little more...

DIVORCE

such a ugly word... and lately more and more couples around me in my hubbys company are saying it!! some of the guys just want to be single but of course after they knocked up their wives for the second time! i just dont know maybe alcohol classes worked maybe next they should try couple classes and maybe make evry one sit through them.... they just need to understand having alife with a family outside deployment!

so today, my hubby and i were just hanging out being lazy and his gets a call... "hey sgt my wife kicked me out" (obviously his side of the story, wifes side he left and told her she is going home)... so since so many guys are single or in the process of divorcing their was no room in the barracks! so the soldier is staying with us... i guess its better then some of his other choices...

but what can you say to someone when you are still trying to work things out?!?! maybe a councellor might help you guys too??!! i just dont know anymore

well hubby is coming to bed and we are gonna talk and have some us time since we really havent...

will write more lata to explain more cause tomorrow i will definately have more to say!!

ring

so its been awhile since my husband or i have wore our rings... of course we both want to but for some reason we cant agree to put them on... my feeling is him saying he is not sure if he wants to be married to me (admitting it in councelling) kinda doesnt make me want to put it on... he also said until i put it on since i took it off first he wont put his on... wicked annoying but i see where he is coming from but wish he would understand it from my point of view!! i want him to do something basically we picked it out together so it wasnt a suprise not that i like suprises but sometimes something romantic would be nice... i dont think i am asking to much... maybe just a little proof he does want this to work but he wants to take it slow... i dont know i mean i know things r hard finally living together more then 5 months in a row and having an almost one year old!!! i just wish i could change how things r sometimes... i want to be with him and i want him to want to be with me and not think about that this might not work...


ahhhhh sometimes i just want to scream... should i just give in and put the ring on?? just giving up and just give him what he wants?? i dont know anymore am i asking too much of him?? i dont know but battery is dying and cord is in another room... oh well maybe something will come in to me in my sleep :/

this blog

so i have decided to make this more of a journal then anything but if you follow me (which is only one person) then this one will be more what is on my mind and feelings that i dont want everyone to see but my other blog which is still public will be there...

so today was a very stressful day... my car is registered in mass since that is where i am from and will always be from!! plus i have paid taxes on my car and plan to go there when my hubby deploys again cause i so cant stay in hawaii again i am going island crazy!! so anyways i went to the dmv here in hawaii with all my papers i had to have... and well the ass behind the counter was like you were suppose to register ur car the day it got here (which was a year ago) and i lived on post and had decals from fort myer that were not expired and didnt have to changed them right away and once they expired (i was 8 months pregnant) so i couldnt get it off or even realized it was expired!!and they let me on post with no problems until recently!! so to get new decals i needed to get my car inspected and the mean guy a the place said i needed a hawaii insurance card... well thank god usaa is so willing to be helpful and do whateva they can to get me what i need... mass doesnt give cards cause they feel its a waste of paper!! so usaa changed my insurance to hawaii so i could get a card then changed it back to mass!! well finally got it inspected and then went to the dmv.... (just releazed i jumped alot sorry tons of back story)... got to the counter and the lady said i was answering the questions wrong... i guess i was suppose to say both of us (hubby and i) r both residents of mass even though he is a resident of michigan??!! well then she said i needed to pay back taxes for this year and all this other shit to get my stickers for my car... when she then said it would be $250 i told her to go fuck herself and left!!

i called my dad (yup daddys girl) crying and he said he would look into seeing whathe could do so i can get my car back to mass when i leave this horrible island!! thank god for him cause the hubbys wasnt answering his phone and i was having my second breakdown in a week!!

i think i am just slightly stressed since my hubby and i r still in councelling and not sure what is gonna happen... he says he still loves me and is not sure what he wants.... its been hard lately with a ton of fighting... we r just still getting use to living together sinc almost 4 years beng married and only living together for 6-7 months at one time! then theres the whole deployment coming up... the thought of number 3 in such a short period of time is so exhausting!! so thats a major reason why i am moving home to get help with my daughter and so we can save money and pay off bills... my visa (stupid company) keeps changing names (washington mutal to chase) theres more but i have no clue right now, i have had the card since i was 18! (ten years) my cards total amount keeps going up and down and the interest rate basically lately has kicked me in the ass... it was 15000 then went to 11000 (army messed my hubbys paycheck and i wasnt working) then i got a letter that its now 9000!! so its kinda becoming a pain and we just wanna pay it off completely! (then never use it again)... the last thing is my period was a week late and instead of being pregnant i had an infection in my kidney (bad kidneys)... kinda heartbreaking... when we were good we were talking about a second baby but now who knows

well i guess i will end this i am just kinda going on and on but ya all these reasons and basically feeling so completely trapped here in hawaii (i could drive home at our last duty station when i needed a break and here i cant)... i guess i just miss my friends and family :(

pregnancy

so today i decided to go to the doctors and get a pregnancy test even after taking two home tests and both coming up negative... i know that sounds weird but my period is 5 days late and still hasnt come!! it was negative but i have an infection in my kidney instead...

i know my husband and i are having all these problems but it broke my heart... but still no period or even signs its coming... i have basically all the same signs i had when i was pregnant with my daughter all over again but it was still negative... i wish i was not cause it would save my marriage more cause i want my daughter to have a playmate other then the dog and i kinda loved being pregnant (well up until the last week before i had her!! cracked rib and early delivery)...

i havent talked to my husband about it yet cause honestly we r still trying to figure out if we want to be together.. we r sleeping in the same bed again not cuddling but sleeping together and the other morning we had sex (both saying the other jumped them)... hahaha

i just dont know anymore... i know my doctors in the past told me i will have a hard time getting pregnant and going full term would be hard... i have had one miss carriage in college with an ex and that i guess was meant to be... but being married and doing what i am suppose to eatting wise and cutting out soda but nope not pregnant and still no period... guess i am just too stressed! guess thinking about divorce and whati will do and my husband depoying for a third time, just really stresses me... i mean even if we divorce i will still stress every day he is deployed... he almost got hurt last deployment and i know i shouldnt worry but its a fear... i will always love him no matter what we have a daughter i just wish he could decide what he wants... tuesday is another councelling session so who knows... we also realized this is the first time since we got married we have been together in the same house this long... crazy i know but going on a third deployment in 4 years and add in all the schools and training it adds up to not living together much thats why i was so suprised to be pregnant last deployment with my daughter... but i guess it could change you never know...

well i feel like all i am doing is repeating things over and over again.... just gonna crash and get a good night sleep but to the doctors in the morning to make sure its just an infection adn not my kidneys

divorce

the worlds worse word to ever hear, to ever be involved in...

but that is where my life is heading barely 4 years over because i wanted my husband to go to AA and he doesnt think he has a problem... i grew up with a father who didnt think he had a problem there is no way i want my daughter to grow up like that, feel the way i do about life... i want her to realize the good things in people and not think every person you come in contact with wants something and who eventually fuck you over...

yup last night he did the usually played with haylie kept asking is it time for her bedtime bottle yet (obviously he wanted to play wow not spend time with me)... so finally i said she can have it now it was close to 8pm anyways so it wasnt a big deal... then she was out and he went upstairs to play wow, i stayed downstairs and worked out (seriously gotta lose that fat now) after an hour i figured he would come snuggle in bed watch whateva movie migth be on... instead a friend called and asked if he wanted to have a few... should have realized neither of them know what a few means... i didnt care he was going i reminded him though our daughter gets up earlier (which he says i didnt and that i supposely said i would wake him up)and he said he would take care of her so i could get my errands done (get his fathers day gift)... well 430am he decides he has had enough to drink and makes as much noise as possible coming in (i woke up and looked at the clock) then destroys my kitchen and brings home beer (which he so didnt need)... well my alarm went off and i looked at him smelled terrible and he was dead to the world... so obviously i wasnt waking up to let him near our daughter! finally got her dressed and fed and i had had it!! my whole room smelled like shit to i starting flipping out to get the hell out of my bed... he did i through the sheets in the wash and told him i didnt need his help... as i was about to jump in the shower he is yelling did she eat?? i said i am a good parent and know how to take care of her so dont worry... yes bitchy but i was annoyed he fucked my plans up completely!! i needed to be somewhere by 9am the latest and there was no way he could be responsable so i told him get out... he left sorta... i hide his computer so when he was packing he tried to look for it and walked outside so i locked the screen door and wouldnt let him back in... he hasnt been back since but he said he would return with the mps which obviously is full of shit... i also called his sgt in charge told him he was thrown out (he was so not happy to be awake but to fucking bad) and i had his phone off but then turned it back on for a minute... when i tried to return it off the website wont let me so that will be tomorrow first thing...

so he has decided to stay at a guys house who is in the middle of a divorce too...which is not helping the situation at all... cause this is the same guy who sent him a text on the website for a divorce which he locked in his phone...

ya so now i am home alone like always with my daughter trying to figure out what i am going to do and how things could have gotten this bad...i wasnt feeling good last night and he didnt care all he cared about was himself... i just wonder was everyone right was it a mistake to marry someone i barely knew but felt a connection i had with noone before?!?!? i just wish my daughter wasnt going to suffer


i dont know anymore... maybe things will change soon but most likely not looking good and i may be stuck moving home to my parents till i can get on my feet.... yuck

:(

lately

so not much has been going on... i went to the doctors to check out a rash to make sure my daughter couldnt get it... all good... but at the doctors i saw how much i weighed and kinda freaked... 141 lbs ya i know thats not alot but to me it is... i was 135ish when i got pregnant with my daughter, went up to 175 when i had her and after i had her i was back at 135... when my husband went to school for training i actually was able to work out and not feel so self conscious... i lost a few pounds but then gained it back as soon as my hubby came home... i like to wait for him to eat dinner so lately its not healthy food (something quick and easy) and around 7ish, 6 if i am lucky.... so ya the weight is now 141!! so i started using zumba and wii fit... i am a little sore but my goal is zumba during my daughters first nap (1030ish) then during her second nap try and do the wii (yoga/strength/aerobics) and then mabe before bed a few workouts from wii that work on certain parts of my body... i also want to start running but i think i will only be able to do that on the weekends wehn my husband is home to watch our daughter.. but we will see... my goal is 115 which i know is alot but i think if my stomach was tight again and legs a little thinner i would be happy 120... if u r wondering i am about 5'9... so lets hope this works cause we r kinda starting to work on baby number 2 even though my husband will deploy again within the year so its kinda up in the air or even if it will happen since i have a hard time getting pregnant... so we will see

well i am gonna go to bed now... busy day tomorrow

day 1

so today we started councilling... it was only suppose to be a hour and half and we ended up being their for three hours!! i guess we had alot that needed to come out... it seemed to help i mean we both were able to get stuff out without screaming and someone walking away... alot was talked about that i wasnt expected to come up, things that happened in our past that made me break down... i honestly thought i could handle my past but i guess not... basically i have been raped i say 3 but some would say 4 since one guy i was making out with but i was so drunk that i dont even remember that... to me it was a one night stand that just maybe would not have happened if i didnt drink the "jungle juice" (which was later discovered someone spiked- that guy got his ass kicked by a few lacross guys who i was friends with)!!

anyways if my past never happened i dont think i would be here or even married to my husband... every choice you make make you who you are which is how i live my life... i guess that might sound weird or not right but the fact is if you think about it if you had a choice between A or B either one is going to take you a certain way, A might be the wrong decision but you picked it and have to continue with that decision but sometimes A is the right thing and your dreams come true... so thats how i look at my life and the decisions i have made, or actions that have happened... its apart of life...

i just hope this councilling works... we will see but for the third time in my life with my husband i have seen him cry or show more emotion then most guys usually show... i honestly believe he wants to be with me and he loves me and that he really wants things to work but who knows... guess we will see... next appointment not for two weeks so two weeks to work on everything that we talked about for three hours!! so far no fights so far working together for our daughter but its been that way since he has gotten home, the work week may show something different...

gonna end there since i feel like i have jumped around and maybe my thoughts are still just all over the place maybe tomorrow i can better express everything... very drained!!

will it work?

so tomorrow is our first couples councilling appointment... i am a little aprehensive since i feel like the only reason my hubby is going is mostly cause his job is gonna make him... i am also not to excited about the idea of talking to someone through the military but financial we can not afford off post... i guess the whole military thing is because when we were fighting i freaked out, my husband took out more money over 500 not including atm fees... and instead of messaging me my tuck got towed i messed up he just took it... kinda showed me he didnt care about his fmaily so i freaked and called his cq desk and the stupid soldier on didnt like me yelling (i was crying but trying to hide the fact i was crying), he told me a sgt would be calling me which never happened they called my husband and felt that was good enough and didnt care how i was feeling... so now i feel like if something happens again and is worse his company will be the last i contact since they are only gonna protect him! i know that might sound crazy but i just cant help it so this councilling might be hard for me to open up...

the hubby is now back and we are slowing working out things... i had girls night and the next night he had guys and did it again, took more money out then we agreed on because they were at the bar later then he thought... so i was wicked pissed but sorta got over it... just having a hard time trusting him with money but he is proving he loves his daughter trying to spend as much time as possible playing with her so thats getting better... i honestly dont know about the whole trying to work on our marriage with the military being involved...

i guess i will give it a chance and hopefully i will be able to open up and i hope he can open up too espically about his angry lately... yes i know i have anger but i have always had it unlike my husband whos anger has seem to get worse since this last deployment, kinda scary sometimes... i only told one friend and he checks to make sure everyhting is ok when he has a chance but i dont want him to worry... i grew up being hit and have dated abusive guys so i guess its not any different to me i just dont want my daughter to be around it or be hit...

i know i sound crazy but he hasnt hit me just grabbed my wrist really hard and pushed my arms away not leaving a bruise but pretty painful and kinda scary... who knows

well i will let everyone know how it goes tomorrow... goodnight

stressed!!

just so completely stressed!!! i feel like everyone in my life who says they love who i am and dont want me to change is trying to get me to change! basically my husband is home and of course we are still arguing but mostly cause i took his family off my facebook since they were sending my pictures to a member of his family that we both agreed that he should not have pictures... well now its like world war three... i am just completely over all this drama and crap... its my choice who i add and delete on any page i have!! but they feel i am cutting them from my life when they could always call my husband or email him and they dont!!! why do i have to be the one who is always communicating with people who dont even like me!? i feel like i am 12 yrs old again and so over it....

i just dont know anymore whats what... but why should i give in to what everyone wants when my feelings are not even being considered...

anyways i guess lately all my blogs are just me complaining until things get better but just doesnt seem like it will... we are suppose to be going to counselling??

hope things do get better sooner rather then later cause it doesnt look good it looks like it will be divorce:(

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... ok well good night

not sure what to do?!?!

so the past few days have been horrible and crazy all in one... first I found out that my husband's father who hates me has been stealing pictures of my daughter by going on other peoples facebooks and going to my profile (I had some mutual friends that I have now deleted)! The worst part is he is posting them on a public place where anyone can print them. I know I shouldn't be as mad as I am but he has done nothing good to anyone related to him! he has no respect for me or is own son so why would I allow my child do be around that??

so because I found this and my husband not having a phone for a few days and being a work till after 10 and not seeing his daughter I was just not happy... so my husband walked in the door and I just flipped out screaming, telling him he needed to fix it or else! I know it wasn't nice but he promised that man would never have pictures of our child or children (if we have more) ever! well I guess I said our daughter will never go near his family again since I can't trust them and he got mad at me and slept on the couch. awesome I know and I made it even worse, throw my ring at him then throw all the pictures of him and I onthe floor at his direction... the next day I told him not to come home and he did with two other solders (so made things worse), didn't say a word to me, grabbed stuff and left! he has been in the barracks for tonight will be night two... he has told mutual friends he is done but the army is making him go to a counciler... which he said I am welcome to go with him or on my own- and that is where the title comes in!

I am not sure if i really want to go. that may sound selfish but the thing is when he got back from deployment I asked him to go with me to talk to someone cause I knew we needed it. we have barely lived together the whole time we have been married (total of about 1 year if that) cause of deployments and schools which I know is army life but it still sucks!! but he said no he would not talk to anyone not even the chaplan so now I am kinda stuck. I feel like he is only going because his job is making him not that he really wants to work on his marriage?!?!? he has texted and barely asks about his daughter which makes me wonder if he was ready to be a dad or he did it cause he knew I wanted a child or cause he was going to Iraq and thought he might die? I know that is extremely morbid but I also think its part of the military life... I do love him and everyone including his mom says I am so great for him but I just don't think we are the same people we once were and that makes me wonder should we even try? I honestly just don't know anymore

my heart feels like it is breaking every time i see him, he doesnt look me in the face and barely says anything... I also have been having these lovely chest pains with the thought of divorce and raising my daughter between two homes and wondering if they would be better for her not that a soldier is around much so she would be with me...

I thought I was strong enough to be an army wife but I guess everyone who thought I was such a horrible person because I stole my husband from his friends wife (long story but basically i never said he couldnt hang with them he just decided he wanted to hang out and get to know me and that made the wife mad and she made sure everyone hated me and only knew the shitty things most of which were not true!) was right!

I have never been so confused or heart broken... if I go to therapy there is a chance we may work it out and have a great marriage but then there is the chance we realize we rushed in and made a huge mistake... all I know is I dont want a single cent from him if we divorce (god I hate that word) I will do it on my own without anyones help...

maybe I just need to find myself?? I once did and then I lost it or I think I found who I was or maybe who I wanted to be at that time... oh well I guess I will end this blog (I almost said it and realized that sounded like suicide) but anyways advice is welcome... but I know in the end I will have to decide what is best for my daughter and me

good nite

Thinking

So lately I have been doing alot of thinking, about decisions I have made, why one thing happened rather then another... I know karma and actions play a big part and some may even say god but sometimes it doesnt make sense that one person who doesnt deserve it gets everything that want while another who would deserve it gets say in a car accident or loses the baby they r carrying... I dont know how things even out and y people say that will make u stronger cause rape, being cheated on, losing a baby, being betrayed, or almost dying in a car accident never made me strong just more particular on who I trust and things I do....


I love my husband, our daughter, our life but just sometimes I wonder y didnt I die? maybe I should just give up... maybe I should stop trusting people cause they will just use things u have done or said to hurt u or make u feel worse then u already do... yes I use to cut and yes I use to take pills to make the pain go away (not to be stoned) and it didnt help... my life just seemed to get worse by the minute... most days I can put on a smile and act like everything is great and perfect and others I just want to curl up and die... my husband has done nothing to bring it on its a memory comes back that I have tried to forget, a person from my past tries to bring up something that is not really needed and I just want to give up...


I know sometimes I have made the wrong choice on trusting people but sometimes its not like it really matters they already have a preception of me and I cant do anything to change it no matter who I really am... choices I have made, friends who thought were friends, things I was accused of that may have been partly right or not at all right r used against me... I try to never judge anyone based on what others say and I wish people would do the same but so far espically with military wives it doesnt seem to matter... u r judged based on who u talk to even if all u do is say hi cause ur husbands r friends, judged based on what someone was heard u were because of another wife who knew u from another base or even a soldier who may be just going off what he thinks is true cause some guy told him it was...

I guess I thought was people got out of high school all the bullshit from high school, all the politics, all the drama would go away and people would not act like a child and "cliques" and all the drama that follows would go away... I dont where my husband rank I dont reat tother soldiers based on their rank or their spouses... cant people just be nice and get to know people without the high schoolnish?? (i realize thats probably not a word but it fits)

being judged based on rumors or other peoples feelings sucks... trying to fight the fact I am unhappy with no one to talk to sucks... feeling like no matter what I do people r always gonna see me as someone to talk about even if its not true makes me feel worse... sometimes I wonder if kindergarden was the last time people didnt judge and were just friends with people cause they were nice???

who knows..... just need to not feel this hurt anymore wish I could trust someone with all my secrets an dnot be judged, thats just a wish

first time

So I decided I would start a blog to just express things that normally I don't tell anyone... this is going to be a place where I can say what is on my mind....

I guess a little about myself; I am married to a wonderful man for almost 4 years. He is a soldier, sergent up for promotion, we have been through 2 deployments and looks like a third sooner then we planned but thats our life... we have a beautiful little girl who I love spending my time with even when she drives me crazy!! sometimes even when I tell her do not do that she puts a little devil grin on and does it anyway, oh well the joys of motherhood!! she is almost a year and crawling like crazy soon walking... we started talking about another baby so she can have a friend to play with but I am not excited about the thought of another pregnancy and delivery by myself but if thats what happens its just meant to be... I think doing it without him sucks but has made me alittle stronger then I ever thought I was!! but I think if he does deploy this time I will move home and live with family, to have help, save money so we can buy the house we want at our next duty station, and just get things in order! I have a degree that right now I am not using (obviously) but I love being a stay at home mom. I am looking to get a certificate so I can work from home and bring in a little money but school with a crawler is sometimes difficult but I am getting a lesson done a day lately so hopefully 2 weeks more then start looking for work!?!? just sometimes its a little discouraging because every job I find in the field says you need so many years of experience but can not get it without getting a job!! hopefully I can find someone to give me a chance?!

well this is kinda a long one so I guess I will end it... I plan to try and blog every day or other or maybe just once a week depending on time and if theres anything really to say, I don't expect people to always care what I have to say but this is more for me to just express what I feel and think so I can just get it out without feeling like I am being judged...

well good night to all and hope this entertains someone or helps someone or just lets people think I am not the only one- atleast thats how I felt when I was reading others blogs and realized maybe this will be good for me.....