Not sure if I will make it....

so a few months back the hubs and I were having major problems, threw him out, then we went to counsiling... well everything seemed to start getting better until yesterday... i wasn't looking for anything i was using his laptop so i could check craigslist (you never know what you may find) and for some reason the only thing highlighted (like it had been checked in) was casual encounters... so i asked him tried really hard not to freak... his first reason was well whne you threw me out i was drunk and mad so i went and looked didnt met anyone (made my heart sink) then he said he must have been another soldier who used his computer... seriously if they are suppose to be doing work then why are you letting the on craigslist!? no response

but then i checked what dates had been looked at and it was Nov 20th the nite i went out with the girls as a belated birthday nite and he stayed home with the baby... know i am completely crushed, cant trust him, look at him or anythign... all he does is deny it...

i just feel like i failed as a wife, army wife (i know its not any different but it can be atleast in my eyes), mother, a person.... so last nite i just started cutting again... the one thing i promised him i wouldnt do but i just dont have anyone i can turn to... sadly i dont feel like i have any friends who would understand military or not... it hurts even more cause we were talking about a second baby and start trying now but i just cant believe he would want a child with me but want to be with someone else...

i know i am not the best person or even the easiest to deal with... i dont know how to do certain things or deal with emotions... my parents didnt have the best relationship but they are still together.. the hubs promised to never cheat on me with a man or woman (his dad left his mom for a guy- now that is my biggest fear)... he hasnt touched me, leaves to go to something and takes longer, now i find out he has been going on sites to met people! if i knew that this was how he felt that i should have been a one nite stand then i wish he would have left it that way...

i know cutting is not the answer but i need to be a mom and its hard looking at her and thinking i am a mistake and you are a gift... sometimes i wish i just died in my car accident maybe everyone would have been better off.............