lonely

so yesterday i wrote about my husband and his skyping during wow... well he slept downstairs and we are now barely talking... everyone except one friend thinks i am over reacting... the one friend who understands were i am coming from found out her soon to be ex husband was cheating on her their entire relationship and even with one girl on wow!!! yes i realize not everyone is like that but he has shown that he isnt happy with me... he will ignore me for hours and play wow then if he friend comes by he will go out and talk to him... then when he is ready for bed even if i may be watching something on tv he will be like well i am going to bed are you gonna snuggle... basically he is acting like how i feel doesnt matter... but now its at the point where i just feel even more alone then ever... their are days i just want to give up but then i see my daughter and basically i know i cant... on top of that i feel like the hub is only staying around to just keep his daughter in his life, like he doesnt want to be with me anymore...

i just wish i could get out of this rut... i look at all these blogs i write and most of the time its bad i guess thats my life right now... i wish things could get better and be happy but i look at things and i wonder what if??

we never had a wedding we went to the courthouse and did it... no one was there and only or bosses knew we were doing it.... not one of our friends knew espically since we had only been dating a short bit and they would all disapprove... when they found out they did said we wouldnt last, sadly i fought so hard to prove they were wrong... we didnt get married cause he was deploying honestly we didnt know that until after we said i do, but unfortunately it looked that way... neither of our families knew and his family found out we were married cause his father played the guilt card on him (long story but basically his father is an asshole who has nothing to do with me or our daughter), most of my family thinks we got married shortly before i got pregnant which we just plan to let they be... we hadnt met either family and i wasnt ready to marry someone my family didnt know... but guess it was a bad idea to marry someone this way, guess my gut was wrong, guess my heart was blinded...

i just am so stupid never seem to make the right decision when it comes to guys and just my life in general... atleast i got my beautiful daughter who makes life worth living cause without her i dont think i could make it :( i know messed up but its true....

i have realized i have lost who i am, i dont know who i am and i think thats where the biggest part of lonely feeling comes from... i dont work, i have multiple degrees which i do nothing with, i have very few true friends that have nothing to do with the military- not that the "friends" i have that are wives are horrible people but i wonder if i wasnt married to a soldier would we really be friends? would we really have anything in common??

who knows... but my peanut is fighting bed time so need to get her tired....