Insecure

yup i am one of the most insecure people i know.... i pretend as best as possible i dont care what people think or say about me but i am always crying inside if its bad... most people i have met thru the military have judged me based on others who dont know me or jobs i have worked... it sucks cause i have some very close friends who know me more then anyone (or atleast what i let them know)... my husband doesnt even really know me as well as he thinks he does... lately i basically have cried every nite or just wondered why i lived after some of the things i have been thru....

well tonite my husband who plays wow almost everyday was skyping with the people he plays with... not a big deal till i found out one was a girl... i asked him to not talk to her and he told me get over it, its just a game she is married and our mutual friends went to their wedding... i dont give a shit... hubs went on craigslists looking to met other women... so ya i dont trust him or other women right now...

so he is downstairs and i am in bed wishing i could just disappear...

to me it doesnt matter how in shape i am, how attracted he says he may be to me, i honstly dont feel attractive and i havent basically my entire life... everyone i know growing up including family has always made fun of me- my height, paleness, frecklesses, small boobs, smile, teeth, hair, basically everything... and since i have had my daughter i am even more insecure then ever...

i just dont have a good self image and have major trust issues (every guy i have ever been with has cheated).... i just dont know anymore.... he hasnt cheated but we got into a really bad fight he left and stayed with another soldier who was giving him info on how to get a divorce... then he admitted that he had gone on casual encounters to "met" girls... but his excuse was he was drunk and mad... so i just cant believe nothing is going on when he leaves the room to be on his computer

i dont know anymore... my self esteem is just getting crushed more and more but i know i need to get confidence for my daughter so she has a good female role model

i just cant seem to find this self esteem and just want to disappear....

its late and i guess i will leave it at that :(