Just my thoughts

so i have been thinking alot about my daughter, happiness, depression, my choises, hubby, and of course life in general....


every morning i wake up look at my daughter who is laughing trying to get the dog to either join her in her bed or help her out, they are partners in crime!! all i see in her eyes is pure happiness and joy, a joy of life i never want her to lose but i know it will happen because look at todays world life isnt easy, her father is a soldier who may not come home, and well just being a kid seems to get more and more diffcult then ever! i am truely happy i have her because without her i just dont think i would be happy or feel alive...(i will explain that in a min)

happiness well just getting to send the day with my daughter listening to her laugh at just about everything and smile (with all her baby teeth in!) just makes it easier to realize i definately am glad i have a baby! my hubby does make me happy but he is gone alot lately and its putting alot of stress on us... (he had a school and now 2 or 3 nites at the range)...

depression... i know every once in awhile everyone has a crappy day but lately its more like i just cant get out of bed, i do (because i am a sahm and i love my child)... i know my hubby doesnt mean to but he makes me feel guilty for not having a job that brings in money is not just hard on him but extremely difficult for me... i have always had a job or even 2 so this is killing me! plus i have ptsd due to something that happened to me that i have tried to block out and one point it was just alcohol that blocked it but then i did talk to someone since the way i was handling myself wasnt the best ways (alcohol and cutting- i know terrible but i had nothing and no one)... since the hubby is gone alot espically at nite i just sit around thinking and getting more stressed about everything and just crying... sometimes i would love to be able to share with a friend but i cant i dont want peoples opinions of me (atleast the ones who do like me still like me) to change... i have always had a hard time making friends shy and just judged for choices i have made... i wish i could even talk to my hubby but that doesnt seem possible lately... we just seem to get into an arguement obviously a deployment is coming up so its expected...


stress is getting harder on me more so then ever... i help create the debt but as of right now i havent been able to help pay it off... and i control the bills and money since i can control anything else so of course we argue about that... he feels like he has to ask like i am his mom or has to be sneaky about spending money and thats a major problem... he will trhow it in my face that its his paycheck and then gets worse from there... i tell him he can divorce me if he doesnt care about being married and getting out of debt... i honestly dont think he realizes how stressed i am... i am at the point where i wanna cut again so badly i havent... i could never do something that could affect my daughters life or my hubs career... sadly i care more about them then myself...

also with halloween coming up we r going/helping at a party... i am freaking out about what i wanna be... ever since i got pregnant and had my daughter i am less and less comfortable about my body.... my self esteem is extremely low espically after i came across my hubs porn collection, definately didnt help the self esteem... so i was gonna do a 1940s pinup then i thought maybe flapper then maybe either alice in wonderland but then i realized i am not blonde or even comfortable with my body... there is also another wife who makes me feel tereible about myself no matter how many people tell me i look better but i dont feel it...

basically the hubs just isnt around much and spends money or just wants to hangout or not be around me and when i try to talk to him we just fight... ya sadly i can sum our life up in one sentence!

i am stressed... money is extremely tight... my daughter and i will be moving home to my parents for the deployment and of course holidays r coming up... the hubs basically maxed out the star (over 5000) and then theres my visa (over 8000) and i need milk, wic doesnt seem to pay enough milk for the little stinker serious she can kill a gallon in 2-3 days!! craziness of a one year old... since the break in of the hubs truck we put in the paperwork to move but we have to wait till they call and say yes or no... crossing fingers for yes and by next month even to old housing we could save 30% in old housing and just not be so stressed...

i finally finished my class and now just waiting for teacher to actually grade my last few assignments to i can get a job and start getting a pay check!! only good news is i may have found one $12-14 an hour (i am willing to take less if they hire me, since i have no experience) i get to work from home and even if i move the company wont change!!! fingers and toes crossed for that one!!!


so i realixed i jumped around on alot of topics but mostly how stressed i am and writing this kinda let some of it go... i just really really hope the happiness i see in my daughters eyes never goes away cause it is the only thing that helps me get thru the days right now!!

well off to bed since the little peanut enjoys waking up at 6am and i have just been so exhausted... still no second baby hoping for december though so maybe- baby dust my way!!