21 May 2010

Thinking

So lately I have been doing alot of thinking, about decisions I have made, why one thing happened rather then another... I know karma and actions play a big part and some may even say god but sometimes it doesnt make sense that one person who doesnt deserve it gets everything that want while another who would deserve it gets say in a car accident or loses the baby they r carrying... I dont know how things even out and y people say that will make u stronger cause rape, being cheated on, losing a baby, being betrayed, or almost dying in a car accident never made me strong just more particular on who I trust and things I do....


I love my husband, our daughter, our life but just sometimes I wonder y didnt I die? maybe I should just give up... maybe I should stop trusting people cause they will just use things u have done or said to hurt u or make u feel worse then u already do... yes I use to cut and yes I use to take pills to make the pain go away (not to be stoned) and it didnt help... my life just seemed to get worse by the minute... most days I can put on a smile and act like everything is great and perfect and others I just want to curl up and die... my husband has done nothing to bring it on its a memory comes back that I have tried to forget, a person from my past tries to bring up something that is not really needed and I just want to give up...


I know sometimes I have made the wrong choice on trusting people but sometimes its not like it really matters they already have a preception of me and I cant do anything to change it no matter who I really am... choices I have made, friends who thought were friends, things I was accused of that may have been partly right or not at all right r used against me... I try to never judge anyone based on what others say and I wish people would do the same but so far espically with military wives it doesnt seem to matter... u r judged based on who u talk to even if all u do is say hi cause ur husbands r friends, judged based on what someone was heard u were because of another wife who knew u from another base or even a soldier who may be just going off what he thinks is true cause some guy told him it was...

I guess I thought was people got out of high school all the bullshit from high school, all the politics, all the drama would go away and people would not act like a child and "cliques" and all the drama that follows would go away... I dont where my husband rank I dont reat tother soldiers based on their rank or their spouses... cant people just be nice and get to know people without the high schoolnish?? (i realize thats probably not a word but it fits)

being judged based on rumors or other peoples feelings sucks... trying to fight the fact I am unhappy with no one to talk to sucks... feeling like no matter what I do people r always gonna see me as someone to talk about even if its not true makes me feel worse... sometimes I wonder if kindergarden was the last time people didnt judge and were just friends with people cause they were nice???

who knows..... just need to not feel this hurt anymore wish I could trust someone with all my secrets an dnot be judged, thats just a wish

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