i really wish..

i really wish i could have more good and exciting moments instead of always venting about the shittiness in my life! seriously i once was a very happy person enjoying life and friends and my husband... i just think this place has taken that away i have lost me so losing me= losing my happiness??i wonder if that makes sense... i just want the stress in my life to be not so bad, i realize with a deployment around the corner its kinda hard, and a move home go back to my parents home but i guess it could be worse? ugh so to anyone who followers or just reads my blog sorry they are so depressing i just am disliking life in hawaii its really not my paradise and the people i have met have truely made it even worse! thankfully soon i will be able to be around people i love and i cant wait! happiness to come promise!! and if u want i will probably write more in my other blog during the deployment so check it out if u want :)

who says shit like that?

"made all the promises in the world... welcome to not keeping urs.. dont worry.. i wont survive afganistan. hope it makes u feel better" "that ive heldone of my soldiers as he was hurting more then i ever held u" seriously wanna push someone over the edge? then get drunk and tell someone you never really loved them you never wanted them you just needed an out! yup i have an awesome relationship... so glad to know someone wanted me that much! how do you move on after that? how do you keep breathing? how can i face family and friends?! my heart is breaking into a million pieces i feel like i have just been punched... so i guess these past 4 almost 5 years was a joke to cover up the fact i was being used once again... another guy treating me like a trophy... awesome well i guess thats why i never got pregnant again it was ending and two kids with him would have just been terrible.......thank god my daughter looks like me and none of him cause right now i couldnt even deal with that its 3am and i am only like always....

money stressed/moving stressed

amendment

one thing i forgot to add in the early post-

the girl who pretended we were friends and someone i could trust, helped me move into her neighborhood... i should have realized then she wanted me to move in so she could have some more drama and see what was going on in my house... she also with her husbands help caused alot of shit between my husband and i... yes i realize maybe if our relationship was a little stronger then it was that maybe it would not have been as easy! but she would say things or i would confine in her about something adn then she would make me question everything... she knew i hated my hubby smoking and if he did smoke at her house with her hubby she would make sure i found out... i guess her life was that sad and pathetic and boring she needed drama to make it fun and entertaining! seriously when i call home to talk to my parents its about my daughter or what is going on with us never the drama with other couples! or even if we went to an adult party would i tell my mom oh so and so bought this! seriously i dont care how close your relationship is you still dont share that kind of stuff!! espically tell people about what others tell you in confidence its just plan rude!!

oh well she is out of my life and i am better for it! she can move on to the next person use them to make herself feel better and i honestly dont care!

thankfully the hubs had to run an errand and he took our daughter i just need a few minutes of me time...

realizations

i have come to realize we all make choices and sometimes those we pick are the best while others teach us a lesson...

since moving to hawaii i have met many different army wives... and when i say different i dont mean just where they are from,but their priorities (children, work, hubby, themselves), ages, personalities... everything

most have been girls i honestly would never have talked to or even hung out with if it wasnt for my husbands job... not just cause of their age but their choices, sorry but i have a daughter now so drinking to the point of blacking out and doing drugs (which i never have done or plan to) are not my ideas of a good time... honestly a drink here and there not an issue and you know every once in awhile getting a little too drunk is ok but every weekend? or even a night just cause you have someone else who can parent your kids the next day!? and drugs yes i have been around people and friends who have smoked weed or/and pill popped and never judged but they also never did it around me! they also knew i wasnt cool with it even more so now that i am married to the military... but most of my friends have grown up and stopped smoking weed and are grown ups!!

my opinion (claimer this is how i feel not how it should be!) if you are married to the military you should NOT be doing drugs even smoking weed! honestly if you have it in your house they do a search and find it its your soldier who gets in trouble and could lose everything! i just think it is completely disrepectful even more when other soldiers who are suppose to be in charge say who cares its not the soldier doing it! but honestly karma will get these wives who only care about themselves...

ok so back on to my realizations- the women i have met... the ones that were wives of spouses in my husband company have been ok, i mean most of them... there has been the one who while her spouse was deployed would drink and do drugs and have sex with just about whoever!! seriously she seemed really nice and i didnt mind babysitting every once in awhile so she could go out and drink but the more i got to know her the more i was glad my phone fell in the toilet and i lost her number (it saved me from alot of drama that i honestly didnt need being pregnant and all)...
the next person i met was my boss and honestly she still is who i met! very nice army wife true to herself and extremely nice!! honestly couldnt think of anything bad to say about her (well her hubby dips and personally i couldnt kiss someone who does that-just seems like no matter how much you spit its still there! ewww)...
she introduced me to another wife who had 5 kids... thought she was a good person but come to see that she loves to only see the bad in people and share that with everyone to make herself look better! honestly she only talks about everyone elses parenting, finances, relationships, anythign they do wrong! she put judgements of people in my head before i met them (something i try never to do-prejudge) well you think i would have realized she talks about all these people in a bad way why wouldnt she about me? oh thats right cause i thought she was a friend! boy was i wrong!!
the other girls i have met have been thru this last girl... they all smoke weed, barely take care of the kids, are consently screaming at their kids or spouses, and just all around rude girls! i would never attack someone who i dont know just cause they dont want to be my friend the minute they move into the neighborhood! (seriously they are so childish)...
the wives in the company are nice or atleast act like it... there have been some who have done the whole well so and so said this and that... and my husband is this rank shit... so annoying! i really hope the ones who act sincere!

i guess its this whole island thing... you are trapped here unless you have bank or your family/friends do you most likely wont really leave... you either hang out with only wives in your spouses company or like the crackheads in my neighborhood only hang out with poeple in the neighborhood... sadly if you try to mix these two or just try to be nice to everyone and give people a chance you will walked all over and treated like shit from one of "groups"... which i have tried... i am nice to everyone unless they give me a reason not too or atleast i try... i try to not judge anyone based on what others say cause i have been that girl and it sucks being prejudged... i am always nice to any new army wife and give them a chance to get to know people and make their own decisions cause honestly the one person you may not have liked they might, right?

i know sometimes i say things or do things and people are like what the hell?! but if you look at where i grew up it would make complete sense! i grew up in a semi small town where it was predominately white i didnt pick it nor did i say who could live their and who couldnt! i was a kid!! i realize espically with some of the jobs i have had in my life some people have no choice where they work or what they do they just got to to what they can to survive, so honestly if you take your clothes off to pay the bills i dont care you are atleast paying your bills and trying your best!

being trapped (seriously trapped) on this island and seeing people come and go and this neighborhood being all nice to their faces they as soon as they leave talking shit about them! i am happy to be gone... none of these people would ever or were ever good people or friends, just passing thru my life to make me see the good and bad in army wives! they have no idea their actions are destroying their spouses career nor do they care! i honestly try my best and be as supportive as possible and make sure my decisions wont hurt his choices!

but atleast i only have a little be longer (or so i hope)! find out next week when and if the army will pay for the monkey, our stuff, my car, and myself to go home! fingers crossed cause all the estimates i have gotten have made me want to cry alot!! very stressed with just waiting and my throat is killing me, acne on my face, my back is all tight and sore, and just having a hard time sleeping...i know part of it is the moving home and another deployment and just trying to get the bills paid off!! all i know is i will have family and friends and help and people i trust surrounding me no more fakeness!!

honsetly i have heard hawaii/schofield barracks is so small and people are so bored that their is more drama and tons of fake people!! boy were they right and boy do i wish i knew this before i came here!

oh well not much longer and honestly i would never see these women or soldiers again because most of the soldiers suck in general and with their wives actions wont be in the military or even get promoted!! that sucks cause you should be proud of achievements you make or your spouse achieves!!

well back to making the photo album that on my monkeys 18th birthday or when she graduates (maybe when she leaves for college) not sure yet i plan to give her showing her life as i saw it... my goal is to do this for every child i have :)

cancelled

so my councelling appt got cancelled which is ok and sucks... it would have been the only one the hubby could have gone to and probably my last one since next week we may be getting the house packed up (or trying to find a storage unit)! plus with all the stress of not knowing if the army will pay and if we can afford it i am getting sick :( my throat is killing me and i keep getting stress migranes... ugh i just am so ready to know and have things ready... yes i realize it means the hubby leaves but that is his job and i know he is ready to get it started and over with... the monkey is playing with her baby dolls which is so funny! for some reason one of her baby's she likes naked at night (for bed) but during the day she wants the clothes on!! since she doesnt know how to take them off or put them on i have to do it and she screams until i do (so dont like the screaming)!

i just hope my depression gets better or just doesnt make things worse then it already is :( i guess it is a little worse since we dont know what will happen and the waiting is completely not good for my health! sadly the one guy in the company who i dont want to know my personal business is the guy who all paperwork goes thru so the hubby is gonna try to see if he can pass it over him or atleast not let him read it since the doctors had to write a personal letter explaining the reasons i need to leave, yes it talks about my medical issues with my kidneys which i have no problems people knowing that for the most part considering they found that the protein could be a bigger issue then they orginal made it, maybe lead to kidney failure (awesome i know)... but it also talks about my anxiety and depression and ptsd and the fact i wont take meds (they didnt work in the past and i wasnt me, which is a major concern to me plus if we wanted another baby i cant be on them)...

so who knows what will happen fingers crossed the army pays for our stuff and my car and i can go home just be able to be me and work and have my sanity back! am i asking to much of the army? i hope not :/

well time to entertain a toddler hope everyone else is enjoying their time with family and friends

not sure

ugh so lately well just this week i have been feeling very blah... the hubs is on leave which is nice but there have been days i just kinda dont want to move from bed... the hubby has noticed but i wont tell him whats wrong so he will take our monkey for a ride if he needs to run errands or just keep her busy which is nice but then i feel like a horrible mommy! i know everyone needs to have me time and i need to just be ok with taking it but i decided to be a stay at home mommy so i should be with her 24/7 no complaining! ya i know thats not the way life should be but thats how i feel.. i know it takes 2 to make a baby and 2 to raise it but honestly i dont get a pay check and lately have been slacking on the laundry and cleaning...

i am very stressed about the move we wont know anythign about the erod (erd) until after the 21st and all back up plans are gonna cost us an arm and leg! kinda makes me want to puke!! but i dont say anything to my husband since when we talk about it it turns into a fight... all this stress is making me want to cut... atleats housing said we wont any money to them when we move out since out allowance is less then what he is alocated for housing... we will have to give them permission to take $100 for flea whateva for rugs which is fine have to in most places or find a company and have them do it but all the companies i have called are an arm and leg.. so i dont know anymore... if we do a pod it will cost almost $7000!! craziness but it would be our lock which is a plus! so i dont know what we are gonna do... i have a few other places offering much less but who knows... fingers crossed the army pays it and we can use our tax money for bills and then i wont have to hold my daughter on the long ass flight! (which most likely there will be an empty seat and she can seat there but still dont wanna plan on that)...

i am very excited for move home... i am ready to find myself again and not be stressed as much about bullshit that i should just let go!! i am ready for real friends and family and have my daughter actually see people that wont just be there cause we dont really have anyone else and they are around cause of the hubbys job and not cause they actually like us for us!!

well computer is gonna die and councelling tomorrow suprisingly hubby is coming!! i will update tomorrow about everything... oh we are gonna do a nite time cruise and go to the sea park so the monkey can see some animals :)

frustrated

so this is probably gonna sound messed up but we were trying for a baby and it didnt happen this month :( he leaves soon so i am kinda freaking out!! we want a second child espically a playmate for our monkey... she is almost 2 and i am afraid if i dont get pregnant soon i may never get pregnant again.. i know that sounds messed up but i am almost 30 and i have bad kidneys it just seem slike it may not happy... i know when its meant to be it will happen but i feel like lst deployment was so much easier being pregnant and we had this exciting thing happening for r&r and well i am just afraid i guess espically since we cant even agree where we will spend it with his family or mine... i have no desire to go to michigan cause then he will wanna see his dad who is a piece of shit so i just dont know...

ugh atleast if i was pregnant he would come to me and we would just have us time but nope :( maybe next month obviously if it does happen i dont plan to post it here until i start telling people... sadly i am not one of those girls the minute i pee on a stick i tell people... with our daughter rear de knew and one friend... at about 12 weeks we told our parents since my grandfther died and i couldnt fly so i had to tell my parents the truth... then at 20 weeks when we found out the sex fb and myspace and texts went out along with belly pics and ultrasounds...

i just wish i could tell the hubby how much it hurts to not be able to be pregnant espically since we are doing everything the same, prenatal pills and sex every other day and everyday when i am ovulating... but still no baby :(

well maybe next month or r&r or after deployment... send your baby dust my way if you are pregnant or just had a baby!!

worst mommy ever!

that is how i felt after my daughter rolled all her weight onto her arm... thought she just bumped her funny bone but i was wrong... after the hubby got home she still wouldnt use it and every time we touched it or tried to move her she would cry... so we headed to acute care and waited like at a deli counter (seriously took a number and everything!) finally saw the check in nurse/medic and he put the order in for x-rays and said it was definately the elbow hopefully just popped out not broken! yup wanted to cry as my daughter screamed... so we went over to x-ray the poor guy had to have my husband and i hold her down then he would move the arm to where he needed... as we waited for the doctor to read the films she was happy and running around.. the doctor came in said they saw nothing but with all the fighting she did on the table it was probably popped back in place! thankfully i didnt hear it and explains the screams of pain! but the doctor said watch her for the next 2 weeks and if she starts to hold it again and rubbing it (since she cant explain that it hurts) that we should go to her pcm or er immediately and they will do another x-ray and/or pop it back in...

thankfully its not fractured! unfortunately if it is even on the first x-ray they might not see it :(

so yup i felt like the worse mom i was the one who put her on the rug to play with her blocks and she just roller... yes she is a toddler and i know their is gonna be bumps and bruises but i felt so horrible cause now it can happpen again easier :(

the joys of being a mommy thank god the hubby come home cause i felt horrible!