heartbroken

yup that basically sums up my life right now...

so the hubs didnt go to jag to get the paperwork for a divorce- he was too buys with a new guy and it only said it cause he was mad... how can someone say something but only cause they are mad and not mean it??

the whole weekend he slept on the couch last nite he slept with me but didnt sleep near me, our dog slept inbetween us...us such a horrible phrase right now...

its so hard he is getting ready for ntc training then the deployment, but he said before he leaves he wil have an answer... whether he wants to be done or work things out... he wont do counciling again though cause he felt it didnt work... i felt it worked it gave us a chance to say things to each other that we normal couldnt or didnt hear...

i just dont understand he sleeps in the bed with me, tells me he loves me, still calls me babe but doesnt know if he still wants to be married?? really!!

he has no idea how much i am hurting... he doesnt look at me the same but he hasnt in forever so maybe it really is over :( but now i am wondering why he stayed, why he talked about having a second child, just why? what am i going to do? go?

i honestly am still so alone and have no one... i put on a happy face for friends and family like everything is great and perfect.. but the honest truth is my heart is completely broken... i just dont think him even saying he wants to work on it will fix it...

i havent felt this bad in so long, why cant i be happy in a relationship once i hit 4 yrs plus things go down hill... i guess i am just a horrible person someone not meant to be with someone not meant to be happy... i honestly thought he was the one my true one... didnt care what anyone said that i was crazy or anything i just knew in my heart and soul he was perfect.... but at this very moment i feel so wrong and less then nothing... ok i am getting a teary eyed so i guess i am gonna try and just see what happens.............

can things get better or worse????