pregnancy

so today i decided to go to the doctors and get a pregnancy test even after taking two home tests and both coming up negative... i know that sounds weird but my period is 5 days late and still hasnt come!! it was negative but i have an infection in my kidney instead...

i know my husband and i are having all these problems but it broke my heart... but still no period or even signs its coming... i have basically all the same signs i had when i was pregnant with my daughter all over again but it was still negative... i wish i was not cause it would save my marriage more cause i want my daughter to have a playmate other then the dog and i kinda loved being pregnant (well up until the last week before i had her!! cracked rib and early delivery)...

i havent talked to my husband about it yet cause honestly we r still trying to figure out if we want to be together.. we r sleeping in the same bed again not cuddling but sleeping together and the other morning we had sex (both saying the other jumped them)... hahaha

i just dont know anymore... i know my doctors in the past told me i will have a hard time getting pregnant and going full term would be hard... i have had one miss carriage in college with an ex and that i guess was meant to be... but being married and doing what i am suppose to eatting wise and cutting out soda but nope not pregnant and still no period... guess i am just too stressed! guess thinking about divorce and whati will do and my husband depoying for a third time, just really stresses me... i mean even if we divorce i will still stress every day he is deployed... he almost got hurt last deployment and i know i shouldnt worry but its a fear... i will always love him no matter what we have a daughter i just wish he could decide what he wants... tuesday is another councelling session so who knows... we also realized this is the first time since we got married we have been together in the same house this long... crazy i know but going on a third deployment in 4 years and add in all the schools and training it adds up to not living together much thats why i was so suprised to be pregnant last deployment with my daughter... but i guess it could change you never know...

well i feel like all i am doing is repeating things over and over again.... just gonna crash and get a good night sleep but to the doctors in the morning to make sure its just an infection adn not my kidneys

divorce

the worlds worse word to ever hear, to ever be involved in...

but that is where my life is heading barely 4 years over because i wanted my husband to go to AA and he doesnt think he has a problem... i grew up with a father who didnt think he had a problem there is no way i want my daughter to grow up like that, feel the way i do about life... i want her to realize the good things in people and not think every person you come in contact with wants something and who eventually fuck you over...

yup last night he did the usually played with haylie kept asking is it time for her bedtime bottle yet (obviously he wanted to play wow not spend time with me)... so finally i said she can have it now it was close to 8pm anyways so it wasnt a big deal... then she was out and he went upstairs to play wow, i stayed downstairs and worked out (seriously gotta lose that fat now) after an hour i figured he would come snuggle in bed watch whateva movie migth be on... instead a friend called and asked if he wanted to have a few... should have realized neither of them know what a few means... i didnt care he was going i reminded him though our daughter gets up earlier (which he says i didnt and that i supposely said i would wake him up)and he said he would take care of her so i could get my errands done (get his fathers day gift)... well 430am he decides he has had enough to drink and makes as much noise as possible coming in (i woke up and looked at the clock) then destroys my kitchen and brings home beer (which he so didnt need)... well my alarm went off and i looked at him smelled terrible and he was dead to the world... so obviously i wasnt waking up to let him near our daughter! finally got her dressed and fed and i had had it!! my whole room smelled like shit to i starting flipping out to get the hell out of my bed... he did i through the sheets in the wash and told him i didnt need his help... as i was about to jump in the shower he is yelling did she eat?? i said i am a good parent and know how to take care of her so dont worry... yes bitchy but i was annoyed he fucked my plans up completely!! i needed to be somewhere by 9am the latest and there was no way he could be responsable so i told him get out... he left sorta... i hide his computer so when he was packing he tried to look for it and walked outside so i locked the screen door and wouldnt let him back in... he hasnt been back since but he said he would return with the mps which obviously is full of shit... i also called his sgt in charge told him he was thrown out (he was so not happy to be awake but to fucking bad) and i had his phone off but then turned it back on for a minute... when i tried to return it off the website wont let me so that will be tomorrow first thing...

so he has decided to stay at a guys house who is in the middle of a divorce too...which is not helping the situation at all... cause this is the same guy who sent him a text on the website for a divorce which he locked in his phone...

ya so now i am home alone like always with my daughter trying to figure out what i am going to do and how things could have gotten this bad...i wasnt feeling good last night and he didnt care all he cared about was himself... i just wonder was everyone right was it a mistake to marry someone i barely knew but felt a connection i had with noone before?!?!? i just wish my daughter wasnt going to suffer


i dont know anymore... maybe things will change soon but most likely not looking good and i may be stuck moving home to my parents till i can get on my feet.... yuck

:(

lately

so not much has been going on... i went to the doctors to check out a rash to make sure my daughter couldnt get it... all good... but at the doctors i saw how much i weighed and kinda freaked... 141 lbs ya i know thats not alot but to me it is... i was 135ish when i got pregnant with my daughter, went up to 175 when i had her and after i had her i was back at 135... when my husband went to school for training i actually was able to work out and not feel so self conscious... i lost a few pounds but then gained it back as soon as my hubby came home... i like to wait for him to eat dinner so lately its not healthy food (something quick and easy) and around 7ish, 6 if i am lucky.... so ya the weight is now 141!! so i started using zumba and wii fit... i am a little sore but my goal is zumba during my daughters first nap (1030ish) then during her second nap try and do the wii (yoga/strength/aerobics) and then mabe before bed a few workouts from wii that work on certain parts of my body... i also want to start running but i think i will only be able to do that on the weekends wehn my husband is home to watch our daughter.. but we will see... my goal is 115 which i know is alot but i think if my stomach was tight again and legs a little thinner i would be happy 120... if u r wondering i am about 5'9... so lets hope this works cause we r kinda starting to work on baby number 2 even though my husband will deploy again within the year so its kinda up in the air or even if it will happen since i have a hard time getting pregnant... so we will see

well i am gonna go to bed now... busy day tomorrow

day 1

so today we started councilling... it was only suppose to be a hour and half and we ended up being their for three hours!! i guess we had alot that needed to come out... it seemed to help i mean we both were able to get stuff out without screaming and someone walking away... alot was talked about that i wasnt expected to come up, things that happened in our past that made me break down... i honestly thought i could handle my past but i guess not... basically i have been raped i say 3 but some would say 4 since one guy i was making out with but i was so drunk that i dont even remember that... to me it was a one night stand that just maybe would not have happened if i didnt drink the "jungle juice" (which was later discovered someone spiked- that guy got his ass kicked by a few lacross guys who i was friends with)!!

anyways if my past never happened i dont think i would be here or even married to my husband... every choice you make make you who you are which is how i live my life... i guess that might sound weird or not right but the fact is if you think about it if you had a choice between A or B either one is going to take you a certain way, A might be the wrong decision but you picked it and have to continue with that decision but sometimes A is the right thing and your dreams come true... so thats how i look at my life and the decisions i have made, or actions that have happened... its apart of life...

i just hope this councilling works... we will see but for the third time in my life with my husband i have seen him cry or show more emotion then most guys usually show... i honestly believe he wants to be with me and he loves me and that he really wants things to work but who knows... guess we will see... next appointment not for two weeks so two weeks to work on everything that we talked about for three hours!! so far no fights so far working together for our daughter but its been that way since he has gotten home, the work week may show something different...

gonna end there since i feel like i have jumped around and maybe my thoughts are still just all over the place maybe tomorrow i can better express everything... very drained!!

will it work?

so tomorrow is our first couples councilling appointment... i am a little aprehensive since i feel like the only reason my hubby is going is mostly cause his job is gonna make him... i am also not to excited about the idea of talking to someone through the military but financial we can not afford off post... i guess the whole military thing is because when we were fighting i freaked out, my husband took out more money over 500 not including atm fees... and instead of messaging me my tuck got towed i messed up he just took it... kinda showed me he didnt care about his fmaily so i freaked and called his cq desk and the stupid soldier on didnt like me yelling (i was crying but trying to hide the fact i was crying), he told me a sgt would be calling me which never happened they called my husband and felt that was good enough and didnt care how i was feeling... so now i feel like if something happens again and is worse his company will be the last i contact since they are only gonna protect him! i know that might sound crazy but i just cant help it so this councilling might be hard for me to open up...

the hubby is now back and we are slowing working out things... i had girls night and the next night he had guys and did it again, took more money out then we agreed on because they were at the bar later then he thought... so i was wicked pissed but sorta got over it... just having a hard time trusting him with money but he is proving he loves his daughter trying to spend as much time as possible playing with her so thats getting better... i honestly dont know about the whole trying to work on our marriage with the military being involved...

i guess i will give it a chance and hopefully i will be able to open up and i hope he can open up too espically about his angry lately... yes i know i have anger but i have always had it unlike my husband whos anger has seem to get worse since this last deployment, kinda scary sometimes... i only told one friend and he checks to make sure everyhting is ok when he has a chance but i dont want him to worry... i grew up being hit and have dated abusive guys so i guess its not any different to me i just dont want my daughter to be around it or be hit...

i know i sound crazy but he hasnt hit me just grabbed my wrist really hard and pushed my arms away not leaving a bruise but pretty painful and kinda scary... who knows

well i will let everyone know how it goes tomorrow... goodnight

stressed!!

just so completely stressed!!! i feel like everyone in my life who says they love who i am and dont want me to change is trying to get me to change! basically my husband is home and of course we are still arguing but mostly cause i took his family off my facebook since they were sending my pictures to a member of his family that we both agreed that he should not have pictures... well now its like world war three... i am just completely over all this drama and crap... its my choice who i add and delete on any page i have!! but they feel i am cutting them from my life when they could always call my husband or email him and they dont!!! why do i have to be the one who is always communicating with people who dont even like me!? i feel like i am 12 yrs old again and so over it....

i just dont know anymore whats what... but why should i give in to what everyone wants when my feelings are not even being considered...

anyways i guess lately all my blogs are just me complaining until things get better but just doesnt seem like it will... we are suppose to be going to counselling??

hope things do get better sooner rather then later cause it doesnt look good it looks like it will be divorce:(

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... ok well good night