Merry Christmas (Eve)

so we are all together this christmas with just our families far away but we plan to skype so our monkey can see the family and they can see her open gifts... it went pretty good on her birthday but now she loves the web cam and is more talkative (babbling but still she loves it)!!

things seem to be ok i just dont know anymore... it still hurts me he was talking to a girl and has something in common with her that we dont have in common... one friend of mine said i was over reacting she knows the girl and i have nothing to worry about she is fat and unattractive, but i wasnt asking her to agree with me just understand that skyping with someone is not right and in my opinion is worse then porn... another friend who is about to divorce her husband, he use to do the same thing and then actually hooked up with the girl! yes i know this is extreme but there are girls out there who do shit that gets them attention and destroys marriages...

well i dont know if its the deployment approaching or not but we are both stressed and fighting alot more.. he has started helping more by letting me sleep in every once in awhile and spending more time with our monkey! its nice but i just sometimes feel like our love/feelings are different...

the third deployment seems to be more stressful the last two and then after this we start special forces training just a lot of stress for us but in the end their will be no debt (fingers crossed) and a place of our own for good...

so not sure if i will get on here before the new year so i wanted to put a quick resolution, something that i honestly dont do
1. make it thru this deployment stronger and in one piece (moving to my parents house)
2. become a better wife and mommy
3. baby #2?? (we are trying but he is gone next month then we only have a few more months till he is gone)
4. get out of debt
5. find happiness!!!

yes they are vague but they are things i really need to do i need to make myself better.. i know a new baby is more stress but my monkey needs a playmate and i loved being pregnant it made me feel good about myself, which lately seems hard...

so we will see and maybe i will come up with new/better ones... merry christmas, happy holidays, and best wishes for the new years!!

ps shutterfly cards i ordered got in one day!! seriously they were in production monday and got them the same day!! very impressed!! and got them sent out and everyone actually got them before christmas!!!

lonely

so yesterday i wrote about my husband and his skyping during wow... well he slept downstairs and we are now barely talking... everyone except one friend thinks i am over reacting... the one friend who understands were i am coming from found out her soon to be ex husband was cheating on her their entire relationship and even with one girl on wow!!! yes i realize not everyone is like that but he has shown that he isnt happy with me... he will ignore me for hours and play wow then if he friend comes by he will go out and talk to him... then when he is ready for bed even if i may be watching something on tv he will be like well i am going to bed are you gonna snuggle... basically he is acting like how i feel doesnt matter... but now its at the point where i just feel even more alone then ever... their are days i just want to give up but then i see my daughter and basically i know i cant... on top of that i feel like the hub is only staying around to just keep his daughter in his life, like he doesnt want to be with me anymore...

i just wish i could get out of this rut... i look at all these blogs i write and most of the time its bad i guess thats my life right now... i wish things could get better and be happy but i look at things and i wonder what if??

we never had a wedding we went to the courthouse and did it... no one was there and only or bosses knew we were doing it.... not one of our friends knew espically since we had only been dating a short bit and they would all disapprove... when they found out they did said we wouldnt last, sadly i fought so hard to prove they were wrong... we didnt get married cause he was deploying honestly we didnt know that until after we said i do, but unfortunately it looked that way... neither of our families knew and his family found out we were married cause his father played the guilt card on him (long story but basically his father is an asshole who has nothing to do with me or our daughter), most of my family thinks we got married shortly before i got pregnant which we just plan to let they be... we hadnt met either family and i wasnt ready to marry someone my family didnt know... but guess it was a bad idea to marry someone this way, guess my gut was wrong, guess my heart was blinded...

i just am so stupid never seem to make the right decision when it comes to guys and just my life in general... atleast i got my beautiful daughter who makes life worth living cause without her i dont think i could make it :( i know messed up but its true....

i have realized i have lost who i am, i dont know who i am and i think thats where the biggest part of lonely feeling comes from... i dont work, i have multiple degrees which i do nothing with, i have very few true friends that have nothing to do with the military- not that the "friends" i have that are wives are horrible people but i wonder if i wasnt married to a soldier would we really be friends? would we really have anything in common??

who knows... but my peanut is fighting bed time so need to get her tired....

Insecure

yup i am one of the most insecure people i know.... i pretend as best as possible i dont care what people think or say about me but i am always crying inside if its bad... most people i have met thru the military have judged me based on others who dont know me or jobs i have worked... it sucks cause i have some very close friends who know me more then anyone (or atleast what i let them know)... my husband doesnt even really know me as well as he thinks he does... lately i basically have cried every nite or just wondered why i lived after some of the things i have been thru....

well tonite my husband who plays wow almost everyday was skyping with the people he plays with... not a big deal till i found out one was a girl... i asked him to not talk to her and he told me get over it, its just a game she is married and our mutual friends went to their wedding... i dont give a shit... hubs went on craigslists looking to met other women... so ya i dont trust him or other women right now...

so he is downstairs and i am in bed wishing i could just disappear...

to me it doesnt matter how in shape i am, how attracted he says he may be to me, i honstly dont feel attractive and i havent basically my entire life... everyone i know growing up including family has always made fun of me- my height, paleness, frecklesses, small boobs, smile, teeth, hair, basically everything... and since i have had my daughter i am even more insecure then ever...

i just dont have a good self image and have major trust issues (every guy i have ever been with has cheated).... i just dont know anymore.... he hasnt cheated but we got into a really bad fight he left and stayed with another soldier who was giving him info on how to get a divorce... then he admitted that he had gone on casual encounters to "met" girls... but his excuse was he was drunk and mad... so i just cant believe nothing is going on when he leaves the room to be on his computer

i dont know anymore... my self esteem is just getting crushed more and more but i know i need to get confidence for my daughter so she has a good female role model

i just cant seem to find this self esteem and just want to disappear....

its late and i guess i will leave it at that :(

letting people see my monkey thru my lens!

So i need to write a post with 200+ words about shutterfly

well honestly this is the first year i decided to use them, usually i go to walmart and get cheap cards or not any at all but since we had our daughter and everyone wants a picture of her i decided to use shutterfly plus its free!! i know you have to pay for the cards but you can upload pics and see what designs you ilke and its not just cards which i love!! i plan to do a photo album for the hubs for his deployment!! with all the choices of decisions and flat or folder you think it woudl be easier something for everyone!! well not for me everytime i look i see a new one i love plus you dont have to do the tradiitional 1 photo family card! you can pick one or two or five photos!! i also love the fact you can do effects to it and make them smaller and upload as many as you want for the card then you can save the card then compare it with others you may like!! and since i can't decide which card is the best or even which picture i like this is a great option!


http://www.blogger.com/photo

http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/holiday-cards

http://www.blogger.com/thank


why did i pick these three well cause right now i am making a christmas/holiday card and with all the options in these first two links you know you will find something that everyone will love!! and the thank yous well last time i used walmart and they dont have too many options and are slightly expensive! unlike shutterfly they always have deals and different ways to say thank you!! plus you can be creative not the normal picture saying thank you!!

my favorite card well so far i have a few! not sure if i want to rub it in everyones face haha i am in the hot hawaii sun while you are freezing your ass off or something more christmasie??

there is the warm wishes??? which would definately represent us in hawaii and be able to get a few pics in!!

or

snowflake wishes noir?? which we can do 4 pics, one of all of us and then me and monkey, hubs and monkey, and the pup and monkey!! which is more christmas style??

or

noir stars?? which we can do one pic pic of all of us, the 3 individual then just one of the monkey by herself???




see so many choices!? well i did see more i liked but i already started adding pics and since the hubs is planning to do sf i try to advoid pics with him for now!! so let me know which one you think suggestions are welcome!! but i think i am more for number 2?!

so things may be looking up

well atleast sorta... we obviously have not resolved the issue of craigslist but it doesnt help either the hubby wont talk about it and says its not him and then walks away... i guess he feels things are back to normal since we kiss again and have had sex (sorry tmi)... i just dont know i dont want to fight i want a good marriage but i feel part of it is this deployment coming up... i think he is really stressed and just wants to not worry about anything... we are back on baby number 2 or atleast trying... so we will see (fingers crossed)

we have taken pics and i am trying to get the christmas cards together but its hard considering i hate the way i look in pics... oh well hopefully some will come out nice!? and then i can settle on a card- way too many choices!

hubbys eye surgery went well, then when they took out the contact (covering to protect the eye) tissue started balling up rather then going flat so 3 trips back to tripler (if you have never done it, its traffic all the time and always long waits to not get much help since it was the er twice and they didnt even understand what prk was (laser eye surgery)... much better now and then we start ntc soon!! so more about that on the other blog

well gotta get the monkey down for a nap!!

Not sure if I will make it....

so a few months back the hubs and I were having major problems, threw him out, then we went to counsiling... well everything seemed to start getting better until yesterday... i wasn't looking for anything i was using his laptop so i could check craigslist (you never know what you may find) and for some reason the only thing highlighted (like it had been checked in) was casual encounters... so i asked him tried really hard not to freak... his first reason was well whne you threw me out i was drunk and mad so i went and looked didnt met anyone (made my heart sink) then he said he must have been another soldier who used his computer... seriously if they are suppose to be doing work then why are you letting the on craigslist!? no response

but then i checked what dates had been looked at and it was Nov 20th the nite i went out with the girls as a belated birthday nite and he stayed home with the baby... know i am completely crushed, cant trust him, look at him or anythign... all he does is deny it...

i just feel like i failed as a wife, army wife (i know its not any different but it can be atleast in my eyes), mother, a person.... so last nite i just started cutting again... the one thing i promised him i wouldnt do but i just dont have anyone i can turn to... sadly i dont feel like i have any friends who would understand military or not... it hurts even more cause we were talking about a second baby and start trying now but i just cant believe he would want a child with me but want to be with someone else...

i know i am not the best person or even the easiest to deal with... i dont know how to do certain things or deal with emotions... my parents didnt have the best relationship but they are still together.. the hubs promised to never cheat on me with a man or woman (his dad left his mom for a guy- now that is my biggest fear)... he hasnt touched me, leaves to go to something and takes longer, now i find out he has been going on sites to met people! if i knew that this was how he felt that i should have been a one nite stand then i wish he would have left it that way...

i know cutting is not the answer but i need to be a mom and its hard looking at her and thinking i am a mistake and you are a gift... sometimes i wish i just died in my car accident maybe everyone would have been better off.............