what a weekend

the ball was a blast!! and our sitters said they had no problems except their was some kids spray painting the poles (housing got a phone call today)! i got a little too drunk and ended up chatting with the co and bc!! opps i dont think i said anything and i actually (according the the co) made him and the company look great to the bc!! so go me!!

well sunday was kinda of a rough day... i just wanted to sleep all day! today has been the same feeling still exhausted... guess i am getting alittle old for drinking and staying out all nite (we got home at 130am!)

so at the ball a few women where dressed interesting (the word i will use)! u could see almost everything with how short their skirts were! the food was prom food which i expected... they had wine on all the tables and you got to take home a cactus and a glass but people were stealing them so we didnt get any :( but one of the hubbys guys got a few (like 6) so he is gonna ask him for some!! they had cheap liquor which was no good probably why i still feel like crap but hopefully i will get functioning soon!

i am glad though my monkey had fun and didnt cry the entire time we were gone! espically since the councellor told me its not good at 19 months that she is afraid of people, honestly i dont mind it she is cautious and once she is comfortable she will laugh and play and talk to the people! i dont get why its a big deal and it annoyed me but i was shy and so is my husband so i wouldnt expect anything less from a child!

frg meeting tonite and maybe a nap before if i can convience a monkey to take one?!!? i will post in the other blog about the meeting, deployment expo thing and friday and the ceremony and bbq before leave then dpeloyment!! craziness but i am ready!!

Ball

tonight is the ball!! this is our first since last year he was at school and before that we left shortly before the ball was suppose to be for the old guard... so this is our first real army ball!!

i am excited but also kinda wanna puke! i have the dress, its peach strapless and long... i think it kinda like a greek goddess style... still not sure about my hair thinking side braid from the right to the left only half my head then curling the right side... (hope that makes sense) if u watch hell cats on cw (yes i am a dork) marty wore it for the wedding episode last tuesday... i thought it looked cute not sure if i will be able to do it myself but we will see... fingers crossed

we r having a friends who i have know as long as i have known the hubby babysit, they have no kids but the monkey is easy... i am more worried about the drama neighbors! they seem to get worse every weekend and even now have attacked another neighbor! seriously they r very elementary school!!

well the monkey is awake so gonna start lunch

i told him

so last nite while snuggling till i fall asleep since he had the aloha run (he was so not excited) he wasnt gonna sleep (his choice)... i just started crying and finally decided i should tell him.. i started off with please dont be mad or hate me... ya i know not the best way to start a conversation espically since he has been asking th epast few days if i am ok? whats wrong? and i say nothing everything is fine...

i started out with telling him its honestly not him... and asked if he thinks i have changed since we got here or before... he said of course i changed some good and some bad (awesome right, not)... so then i looked at him in the dark laying my head on his chest and said well for the past year i havent felt like me i dont know how to explain it but if i could die tomorrow i would be ok with it... i have been cutting and i am sorry i just dont know anything else...

he was quiet but he said he wasnt mad... now i think he realizes why i am back in councelling and why if i dont leave sooner then later i may get worse...

i also told him i would go talk to someone about meds, anxiety and depression... which if you know me is a big thing 1. cause i hate meds, last time was a horrible reaction where i would cry at the worst times and 2. i dont want to be looked at like i am crazy (yes i realize people wont know or care if they did but still)... but if it is something that will make us and me better then i guess i could be open to it... maybe lying to the doctors everytime they ask about depression isnt the best but i really dont like people knowing... (but i am blogging about it i know that is messed but if u think about it most dont really know me or if u do u may not realize its me)! the thought of anxiety medication is very scary anyone i know that has been on them takes them to get high and i am just not a drug person!! plus the whole fear it will fuck up my husband career is always there, last nite though he said no one would know he promised... so i guess i will call and make an appt and go from there.. thats the first step right?

this week will be crazy court on wednesday (extend the tro to three years), thursday bbq for the company (even though soldiers havent been told), ship the pup to my parents on friday, and saturday ball!! sunday will just be a nice quiet family day, which lately every day hubs has off we have done and its been nice!! oh and tuesday calling the poor housing lady and ask her all my questions ( i feel bad for her i have been calling her once a week since february has started)


well time to start my day... enjoying disney junior with my monkey till hubs get home from the run!!

how do i tell him

so i tried last nite and again this morning... i hinted at him, asked him questions which made me just say ohok i was just curious...

how do u tell ur husband you love with all ur heart that all you keep thinking about is dying and cutting? he says he will be mad since u made a promise to not do it anymore but u were good until you realized u lost you... yes i know cutting doesnt make me but it lets me feel me, if that makes any sense... i love my husband so much i just i dont want him to leave me cause i am hurting i just want him to understand that i am hurting.. honestly the other thing that bothers me about the neighborhood now is the fact that i trusted one girl and she totally betrayed me... sorry to tell u but if we talk and i tell u things personal or not just whats going on and then while sitting with other girls and i am not there throwing in anything about me just to have soemthing to say is talking shit! u accuse me of talking shit on the web when all i did was ask a simple question no names, stuff u have said on multiple occasions, just was curious if someone would step up and do something or just let it be and u turn it around like i am such a horrible person?! i stopped sitting there listening to someone complain everyday about how shitty her life is and how horrible her husband is and how she only has angry sex with him and uses it to her adventage cause there is only so much one person can listen to before they say just leave then... but i am the bad person? really?!?! the fact is you all act like you are high and mighty but you will fall and good chance destroy ur hubbys career in the process...

ok now after that seriously i need to get away from this island i have lost me... they have taken over my blog and my sanity and i know i shouldnt let them so i which stop unless something happens (fingers crossed) i am calling (once again) the poor lady at the head office and find out how many times before they do something, the mps know our neighborhood come here constantly atleast once a weekend! and always the same house before they do something!! even people in the housing office have said she needs to go so why doesnt she? her dog is not registered, she has had many chances to do it and notices, thats a violation! she also has tons of other violations for trash and toys and just being a bad neighbor from not just me but past neighbors so why continue to make this neighborhood suffer? you want good people to represent this place then get rid of the ones causing issues!!

anyways back to what this is suppose to be about my husband... i tried this morning asking him about the cutting and he said he would be mad, ok i understand that but would you divorce me? he said maybe... so now i just dont know what to do? my councellor said i should express my opinions and feelings and not shut them down but my husband said he would leave me so i am terrified if i tell him i am lost and not caus eof him or the military just being here, i lost myself my voice just me! i was slightly unhappy in virignia before we left cause it seemed my friends were judging my choices... yes i went from party girl to marriage in literally 2 short months! but almost 4 1/2 years later we are happily married with a toddler and trying for another one... yes we have our ups and downs but why cant you be supportive?i realize i didnt introduce him to them right away but i wanted him to myself, secret for just me... honestly when i was ready i would parade him around and i did!! i am proud of him not just cause he is a soldier but because he loves me and does so much for me except undestand the cutting... i just dont know

well its lunchtime maybe i will blog later for some reason i have blogged alot lately more then usual maybe i just have so much and with councelling all i can think about is kicking him in the head (my councellor).. the hubs did say he would make it to one session (no tricking or anythign just asking) but this week they get their gear for the deployment which i have tried to not think about... i know bad army wife just support him and suck it up its part of the life... i am ready for this deployment honestly its one short year, since i will be close to friends and family and then we start our new life as sf family so i am ready!! just dont want to think about the equipment and the actual leaving but i am ready!!

ps... to all my friends on the mainland i love you all your truely have been some of the best marks in my heart and life!!i know no matter how many texts, fb messages, or even calls if i really need you or you need me we are always there and my standards for friendship are not to high and if they cant be met by some people then i should move on theres a reason they came and left and didnt leave a mark!! thank you

i love a man in uniform

i really do love him i couldnt see my life without him but honestly i cant take this anymore... everytime i go outside they attack me for even looking at them seriously then sit in ur house or in ur lanea and not where my car is parked...

the title is not just how i feel about my man but a book i am reading... the author is very similiar to me except i am married to an enlisted and herself an officer... she talks about wanting to die and cutting and just feeling so alone with no one to understand... basically how i have been feeling the past year... sadly i have tried to just push it away but it comes up... so i went to councelling it helps but then all i want to do it cut... hubs and downstairs playing with our monkey, he knows something is wrong but i just say everything is fine... how can u tell someone u love if u died tomorrow u would be happier? its honestly not these women cause i know once they leave here they will have a rude awaking and some may not even be wives anymore!

i am trying so hard not to cut but its not working... monday i plan to call the housing lady again not sure if she will be in the office but maybe she will clear her machine and i can leave her a message... i know february is almost over and soon march will be over and then hubby will deploy so i want to spend every min i can with him making him happy ignoring my problems but i am just breaking little by little everyday... wish i stuck with the gut feeling stayed in the other house and just gave up on being friends with these girls forever ago... honestly only one had my cell number so really those other girls (women dont act like children) were only acquiantances that made me question the whole what the fuck was that soldier thinking?! honestly i would rather be in a locked room with my father in law then be near these crackheads!!

well gotta clean my face up and put on a smile and act like everythign is grand when its beyond not even close to being good.............

you think you can break me

fakeness... yup that is was i am surrounded by... we moved into a neighborhood that is ok with drugs, disrespecting the military/spouses, and who gain up and attack people like children...

so tonite the hubs and i had our valentine dinner it was nice and a very nice couple sat next to us... they shared their salad with monkey (the man didnt like salad) and we chatted with the cook, it was a japanese steak house so they cooked it right in front of us!! so yummy and then a group across from us at another grill had a birthday and offered our daughter cake which of course she loved and wanted over her chicken-oh well she ate alot of veggies so its ok!!

anyways we came home and as i got out of the car and had my daughter my old so call friend and her husband attacked me! did i mention my daughter was in my hand- awesome parents arent they!! ya cause i told her daughter (his step daughter) i didnt hate her and sorry i met her snake of a mom... hahah love it!! well cant wait when her daughter is 16 and pregnant because her mother never teaches her anything about life and keeps her in a bubble... then as i try to walk into my house they (both husband and wife) keep coming at me and then another neighbor joins saying she says shit to me!! seriously u r all full of it keep smoking ur weed!! so my husband takes my daughter then pulls me in... how mature!! gotta love these childish women... yes maybe telling her daughter she was snake was wrong but her daughter looked so sad like she did something wrong and she didnt, her mom is the fake one!! now they sit next door drinking and talking loud like it hurts me... sorry but all ur doing is showing how cliquie and childish you are and tuesday morning i will be calling the head housing lady once again... and if they keep up the noise and like i no they will smoke tonite i will call the mps, plan to give them only an hour more then i will call... keep it up the next base you go to if you go will be a rude awakening and i cant wait!

well snuggle time with the hubs (we are doing so much better)... now i kinda wish i didnt move here saving extra money isnt worth being surrounded by drugs and whores (seriously they walk around in stripper clothes like they think they r hot!)

gotta love girls that have never been in college or had a life outside of their parents straight to being married

Valentines Day and such

so life has been decent with the hubs... besides monkey and i being sick we have done a little time here and there at the park... then yesterday this little girl told me she had the chicken pox! i didnt see much just some on her legs and one bleeding so of course today i called the doctors and they said i would know in about 10 days!! figures!1

anyways valentines day was kinda a bust... hubby got stuck at work till 530-6 so we couldnt go out to dinner like we planned... they are having alot of problems with soldiers getting in trouble (duis, stealing, and other stupidiness)!! so our goal is after he goes to work cause of all the screw ups and my councelling we are gonna do dinner!! japenese steak house yummy!!

the neighbors are not getting better just more immature but now the head of housing and the debty of the police are involved! my goal is atleast my neighbor no longer lives on post before i move and the crackhead i have the restraining order well she is thrown back to where she came from... they think they r hot shit the my so called friend who is worse then them she deserves what she is gonna get too!! i saw pictures of their slut nite out they all looked horrible so glad i wasnt invited no way would i have gone, i dont need men to hit on me and rub on me to make me feel good i have a husband!!

well other then that nothing really exciting going on... i saw a nephrologist who says the protein in my urine (sorry tmi) is basically destroying my kidneys and has been!! basically i could end up in kidney failure depending how back the protein is so i did more tests yesterday and should hear at the end of this week or begining of next whats going on and how bad it is... gotta love my luck... still trying for baby number two and every time i talk to family they ask if i am pregnant... really getting stressful since its been difficult :( fingers crossed

sick and stressed...

so the hubs came home sick of course and passed it to my daughter and now i have it... so its been a few long nites with coughing from all three of us!! but i do love the snugglely time with my monkey and soldier!!

we had a great time bowling last nite with friends!! then we came home and hubs thought the hookers (yes all the neighbors were going out dressed as hookers) were doing cocaine and confronted them... i was trying to get my daughter out of the car and not paying attention... so they supposely werent but whateva wouldnt be suprised if they smoked weed and were drinking and driving.. well one husband confronted the hubs today and he said i said sorry so whateva... honestly the guy was like we dont do that shit and all we were thinking is yes ur wife does she brags about what drugs she has done so dont say she doesnt when she brags about it!

anyways we got operation reunited photos done today!! the woman was awesome seriously worked so hard to get some hopefully good photos!! my monkey at first was very serious and not to into it, she is shy but once she warms up to ya she is a ham!! there were tons of dogs so of course the monkey and our dog wanted to play... it was a very nice beach!! and the monkey actually ran towards the water instead of away!! she even did some of just the hubs and i which was nice cause that doesnt usually happen!! cant wait to see them!!

so the neighbor has become more like elementary school every day i seriously want to punch my neighbor is the face... keep glaring at me cause i will explode and destroy alot of friendships and lives!! only thing that stops me is all the kids outside!! monday i plan to call the lady again and chat with her... basically i went to the highest person in housing and explained everything and how housing just said we will look into it and nothing is done and that anytime they are given a letter about their trash (which they leave everywhere/ toys too!) and the dogs not being registered as a joke the woman was not happy... she said she would call me back but after this weekend i just dont know how much i can take...thankfully its been raining and we have all been sick so staying inside isnt really a bad thing!

i am a little stressed the deployment is getting closer! the hubs got the poa and during the week he is fixing the money if he dies so that it will be a trust for our daughter... he also is gonna find out about poa's for our parents... we were told we need passports (which made me extremely nervous and stressed) espically since we never had to think about passports! i am seriously the only person besides the higher ups who has one! tomorrow we r going shopping for the ball which i am not truely excited about... i am not really friends with many wives, atleast here anyways i just cant trust anyone which is so heartbreaking to me... how can people be so snake like so act like a friend and then true around and be worse then the one who is a true bitch and u know will talk shit!? i have never wanted to be away from people so much in my life and pretend like i have never met them cause truly have made me question alot espically people i met thru the military... i know there are good people out there but right now in hawaii people just seem like they are users then once they dont need u they throw you away...

ugh well i cant keep living with this heartbreak so i am gonna move on and work with myself... the hubs and i r doing awesome which is nice... we really r just taking it day by day tonite he is playing poker and tomorrow he plans to get up with our monkey and let me sleep (which being sick i need)!! also he said he would go dress shopping with me and not to worry about matching him but we will see!

well i am gonna relax and zone out and hopefully soonthe hubs will be home cause i am having a bad nite i just wanna cry not sure why :(

this is my life?!

so the hubs is home and we have decided we would try and work on things... which is nice except for the fact i am surrounded by extremely fake people some who i thought were my friends! i so need to get off this island before things get worse...

so on a military spouse page there was a discussion about dirty homes and calling cys.. so i asked why would you call? since everyone seems to always says butt out of other peoples business when there is cheating or something like that but with dirty houses or neglecting kids they felt like its ok to get in... so of course i asked what they consider neglect? like to sending your kid to school so they can watch their sibslings? or that child bathing their younger ones?? well i have a craxkhead neighbor who does this and also thinks its ok to smoke pot in military housing! well my supposely friend who i found out has been sharing private information i shared with her with people i would never consider friends and people she is always sharing their info that they tell her!!(yes i should have realized if she is telling me what they say its vice versa but i didnt-lesson learned)... anyways she shared what i wrote with the girl who got very upset (obviously cause its true!) and this girl didnt realize that the supposed friend who told her i said this was the one who told me!! so then the next day the hubs came home, that friend"s husband decided to tell my husband that i was causing drama and this is the reason his wife isnt talking to me anymore... really cause u have stopped being a friend weeks ago!! so now that i have realized how fake she really is i plan to give her back everything she has ever given me, gifts or not i dont want anything from her! (hubby is so not excited about that but too bad!!

so the bad mom and the dumb bitch i have the tro on made a sign that said only fun people, but i am the immature one!! did i mention we have 3 new families here who just seem to hide in their homes!? ya welcome to elementary school!! so i called housing and then wrote a complainent to the ICE system for the military which i didnt know goes to the command of the post... opps... i honestly dont care supposely housing has been trying to get rid of the bad mom cause she is the worst in the neighborhood actully drove out one neighbor cause she is that bad! she wont drive me i plan to destroy her more then i have!! yes its not very adult of me i know this but karma is a bitch and i plan to also hurt my supposely friend! monday i plan to go to head housing and talk with the head people! my "friend" amd the bad mom both have been given many notices about leaving toys aound (which they still do plus their kids throw trash where they want) and that they need to register their dogs... neither think they have to do anything well i will make them be removed from post and i will hurt my "friend" she needs to learn that using people is not nice and she is worse then the bad mom atleast u know she is a fake bitch!

well gonna have some couple time while the monkey is in bed and he isnt playing wow (so hate that game!)

crossing fingers things work out for us and the elementary school bullshit is destroyed... i am not thrilled with what i started but maybe someone shouldnt be stalking what i write obviously she needed more gossip on me to share with people since i wont tell her anything since when i tried to confront her she advoided it by bringing her daughter...errrrrrrrrrrrr well i am over her and she has proven my point people from texas suck!! espically ones who join the military (now i see what her first husband cheated on her) i would too:P

Really

so i obviously have facebook but not many know i have a blog... for obvious reasons...

anyways i put a status up about fake friends the funny thing is this girl i literally just met messages me freaking out that its about her... sadly i never considered her a friend nor would i ever... i the more i got to know her the more i realized she was very fake... but the status i wrote today was honestly not about her... anyways i also wrote a message to another girl who i just met, saying if she doesnt want to be friends she should just say it cause making plans with me then cancalling to hang out with the other girl is not cool... i dont care if you want to be friends i understand i am older and leaving soon so whateva... anyways neither of these girls i ever considered true friends, maybe aquaintences if that... honestly i just started to get to know them not even a full month yet! sadly my status was about the girl who pushed away from me cause i am moving but then she just told me today she is leaving literally about the same time!! seriously i think it was more the fact i wasnt sitting back and letting the druggies and clique run the neighborhood anymore i spoke up and she sat there and was their bitch!!

but on a good note 3 new families have moved in!! the clique isnt thrilled but i am cause will be a whole new vibe in and some of the shit going on will change :) (fingers crossed)

my new moto: work on me and delete the negative and i started this by working out and deleting the nonfriends off my facebook... moving forward and excited for the possibilities :)