not sure what to do?!?!

so the past few days have been horrible and crazy all in one... first I found out that my husband's father who hates me has been stealing pictures of my daughter by going on other peoples facebooks and going to my profile (I had some mutual friends that I have now deleted)! The worst part is he is posting them on a public place where anyone can print them. I know I shouldn't be as mad as I am but he has done nothing good to anyone related to him! he has no respect for me or is own son so why would I allow my child do be around that??

so because I found this and my husband not having a phone for a few days and being a work till after 10 and not seeing his daughter I was just not happy... so my husband walked in the door and I just flipped out screaming, telling him he needed to fix it or else! I know it wasn't nice but he promised that man would never have pictures of our child or children (if we have more) ever! well I guess I said our daughter will never go near his family again since I can't trust them and he got mad at me and slept on the couch. awesome I know and I made it even worse, throw my ring at him then throw all the pictures of him and I onthe floor at his direction... the next day I told him not to come home and he did with two other solders (so made things worse), didn't say a word to me, grabbed stuff and left! he has been in the barracks for tonight will be night two... he has told mutual friends he is done but the army is making him go to a counciler... which he said I am welcome to go with him or on my own- and that is where the title comes in!

I am not sure if i really want to go. that may sound selfish but the thing is when he got back from deployment I asked him to go with me to talk to someone cause I knew we needed it. we have barely lived together the whole time we have been married (total of about 1 year if that) cause of deployments and schools which I know is army life but it still sucks!! but he said no he would not talk to anyone not even the chaplan so now I am kinda stuck. I feel like he is only going because his job is making him not that he really wants to work on his marriage?!?!? he has texted and barely asks about his daughter which makes me wonder if he was ready to be a dad or he did it cause he knew I wanted a child or cause he was going to Iraq and thought he might die? I know that is extremely morbid but I also think its part of the military life... I do love him and everyone including his mom says I am so great for him but I just don't think we are the same people we once were and that makes me wonder should we even try? I honestly just don't know anymore

my heart feels like it is breaking every time i see him, he doesnt look me in the face and barely says anything... I also have been having these lovely chest pains with the thought of divorce and raising my daughter between two homes and wondering if they would be better for her not that a soldier is around much so she would be with me...

I thought I was strong enough to be an army wife but I guess everyone who thought I was such a horrible person because I stole my husband from his friends wife (long story but basically i never said he couldnt hang with them he just decided he wanted to hang out and get to know me and that made the wife mad and she made sure everyone hated me and only knew the shitty things most of which were not true!) was right!

I have never been so confused or heart broken... if I go to therapy there is a chance we may work it out and have a great marriage but then there is the chance we realize we rushed in and made a huge mistake... all I know is I dont want a single cent from him if we divorce (god I hate that word) I will do it on my own without anyones help...

maybe I just need to find myself?? I once did and then I lost it or I think I found who I was or maybe who I wanted to be at that time... oh well I guess I will end this blog (I almost said it and realized that sounded like suicide) but anyways advice is welcome... but I know in the end I will have to decide what is best for my daughter and me

good nite

Thinking

So lately I have been doing alot of thinking, about decisions I have made, why one thing happened rather then another... I know karma and actions play a big part and some may even say god but sometimes it doesnt make sense that one person who doesnt deserve it gets everything that want while another who would deserve it gets say in a car accident or loses the baby they r carrying... I dont know how things even out and y people say that will make u stronger cause rape, being cheated on, losing a baby, being betrayed, or almost dying in a car accident never made me strong just more particular on who I trust and things I do....


I love my husband, our daughter, our life but just sometimes I wonder y didnt I die? maybe I should just give up... maybe I should stop trusting people cause they will just use things u have done or said to hurt u or make u feel worse then u already do... yes I use to cut and yes I use to take pills to make the pain go away (not to be stoned) and it didnt help... my life just seemed to get worse by the minute... most days I can put on a smile and act like everything is great and perfect and others I just want to curl up and die... my husband has done nothing to bring it on its a memory comes back that I have tried to forget, a person from my past tries to bring up something that is not really needed and I just want to give up...


I know sometimes I have made the wrong choice on trusting people but sometimes its not like it really matters they already have a preception of me and I cant do anything to change it no matter who I really am... choices I have made, friends who thought were friends, things I was accused of that may have been partly right or not at all right r used against me... I try to never judge anyone based on what others say and I wish people would do the same but so far espically with military wives it doesnt seem to matter... u r judged based on who u talk to even if all u do is say hi cause ur husbands r friends, judged based on what someone was heard u were because of another wife who knew u from another base or even a soldier who may be just going off what he thinks is true cause some guy told him it was...

I guess I thought was people got out of high school all the bullshit from high school, all the politics, all the drama would go away and people would not act like a child and "cliques" and all the drama that follows would go away... I dont where my husband rank I dont reat tother soldiers based on their rank or their spouses... cant people just be nice and get to know people without the high schoolnish?? (i realize thats probably not a word but it fits)

being judged based on rumors or other peoples feelings sucks... trying to fight the fact I am unhappy with no one to talk to sucks... feeling like no matter what I do people r always gonna see me as someone to talk about even if its not true makes me feel worse... sometimes I wonder if kindergarden was the last time people didnt judge and were just friends with people cause they were nice???

who knows..... just need to not feel this hurt anymore wish I could trust someone with all my secrets an dnot be judged, thats just a wish

first time

So I decided I would start a blog to just express things that normally I don't tell anyone... this is going to be a place where I can say what is on my mind....

I guess a little about myself; I am married to a wonderful man for almost 4 years. He is a soldier, sergent up for promotion, we have been through 2 deployments and looks like a third sooner then we planned but thats our life... we have a beautiful little girl who I love spending my time with even when she drives me crazy!! sometimes even when I tell her do not do that she puts a little devil grin on and does it anyway, oh well the joys of motherhood!! she is almost a year and crawling like crazy soon walking... we started talking about another baby so she can have a friend to play with but I am not excited about the thought of another pregnancy and delivery by myself but if thats what happens its just meant to be... I think doing it without him sucks but has made me alittle stronger then I ever thought I was!! but I think if he does deploy this time I will move home and live with family, to have help, save money so we can buy the house we want at our next duty station, and just get things in order! I have a degree that right now I am not using (obviously) but I love being a stay at home mom. I am looking to get a certificate so I can work from home and bring in a little money but school with a crawler is sometimes difficult but I am getting a lesson done a day lately so hopefully 2 weeks more then start looking for work!?!? just sometimes its a little discouraging because every job I find in the field says you need so many years of experience but can not get it without getting a job!! hopefully I can find someone to give me a chance?!

well this is kinda a long one so I guess I will end it... I plan to try and blog every day or other or maybe just once a week depending on time and if theres anything really to say, I don't expect people to always care what I have to say but this is more for me to just express what I feel and think so I can just get it out without feeling like I am being judged...

well good night to all and hope this entertains someone or helps someone or just lets people think I am not the only one- atleast thats how I felt when I was reading others blogs and realized maybe this will be good for me.....