why do i bother

seriously every time we visit hubby's family there is an issue! christmas we got into a fight about the crap with his sister and her accident, she was fine just is the baby and everyone has to do everything for her! did i mention she is over 18!!

well this visit was worse... i actually left and went to hotel with our daughter and dog! i was orginally gonna leave and drive home but i didnt want to have to deal with him trying to find out how to get home...

i honest dont know what i am going to do... stay with him or leave? suck it up for our child i mean its only 15 more years?

i keep wondering if he ever really loved me? cause if so why would you make me the butt of the jokes especially when you think i am sleeping!?! then wonder why i am hurt :/ i just give up

i just dont know anymore.....

Thoughts

well its been some time since i have been on here and things are just little different...
 1. we went back to Hawaii to welcome home the hubby, ended up staying till end of May and having to pay for myself and daughter to fly home (long story).
 2. we bought a house in NC (seriously!)
 3. we are finally unpacked and organized (or atleast best could be).


So anyways it was a crazy trip of flights, driving, and staying at my parents! thankfully my little monkey survived it all with smiles and lets me know every minute she loves me! (which i need more then i realize lately).

so we are in the house and trying to plan our monkey's third birthday, which isn't going as planned and kinda breaking my heart. we know barely anyone and have to have it 2 weeks early because hubby leaves for school on her birthday! i want to cry every minute :( i know she is only three and probably wont remember it but i want to make them all special she is my only child and it seems like she will only be my only one (which if she is will be fine because i love her more then anything)!

sometimes this lifestyle makes me really depressed! i wonder if moving all the time, not getting to do holidays on their actual days including birthdays is fair to my monkey! i honestly feel like the worst mom ever! i really wanted to give her a great birthday, atleast one! but why would anything work out for me ever :( who knows who will come if anyone and that seriously hurts more then anything! i know people have to work but we are planning it for the weekend of the 4th so most people will mostly likely be off... it just sucks we moved to a new area and know no one :(

i am trying so hard not to cry or cut but it doesnt seem to help not one bit... and i want to be sick!

my goal is for her actually birthday to put a bunch of balloons in her room and then when she wakes up have them all there... then take her to get her nails done since we did it last year and she loved it! i just wish her daddy could actually be here for her birthday, he missed her birth, 2nd birthday and now her 3rd! seriously this lifestyle is sucky and really can break a person, and i wonder if i will ever have any true friends :(

sucks even more her own godmother never can make a few minutes with her nor her godfather, yup we picked winners in that department...

oh well that is my life... i will hopefully start to keep up better and i may even start a new blog since a new adventure in this lifestyle will begin but we will see!

good night... hopefully tomorrow is a better day with better news :/

defeated

so once again things dont go as planned and i am suppose to shut up and deal with it... so instead i shut down :(

the deployment is over and hubby was suppose to go to air borne school in june which meant he would be here for our daughters birthday! well once again the idiot who is suppose to set up the dates and kept saying for months dont worry you are june told him july 20 is his report date! are you fucking kidding me!! so not only does that mean we are stuck in hawaii longer, i miss my sister's graduation from high school (baby of the family), hubby misses another birthday! i literally am just shutting down! i am so heart broken and there is nothing that can be down, as usually because i am upset i am the bad person... doesnt he realize i feel like i cant give my daughter a good birthday ever! especially when he leaves!! how is she going to feel when she looks at pictures and never see daddy on her birthday or her birth!? seriously!? he was is iraq for a birth came home a week later, 1st birthday was jsut terrible, nothing went as planned and i just was very stressed- family only got skyped in which sucked... her 2nd birthday he was on a mission in afghanistan so my family tried to make it special and a friend (who i nolonger speak to) and i took her to the zoo which she loved!

i guess i am truely upset because he promised if he deployed that 1. we would be off this island and in a house before her birthday and 2. he would be here for her birthday!

am i asking too much :( i just feel horrible and defeated and honestly there are days i feel like a terrible mom cause i dont htink i can handle this lifestyle anymore and want out :(

i just dont know anymore..i am just so lost

happiness

lately that just seems like a fairy tale :(

i have one friend tell me well fb it that she is engaged (i wish she didnt but to each their own)

other friends/family of course telling me they are pregnant (not fb official)... and yes i am happy for them till of course they ask if i am since they were hoping to be pregnant together... which i am not but hey thats my life


i just dont know anymore... and of course being back in hawaii i just want to cry and just getting depressed again... of course no one notices cause i hide it with a smile on my face... but the lack of sleep is catching up and the pain i have no idea where it came from is killing me and showing :(

just wish i could be a good wife and mommy... happy and someone people always wanted to be around... i definitely lost myself since being here and i dont know if i will ever find myself, not that my past job at the club hasnt just crushed who i was...

well i think its time to just go and see if i can get my daughter to bed someone loves to fight every chance she can

another post- suprise

i realize yesterday i started a post then got a phone call so i never really finished it, but a friend needed me and also i got vent which was so needed!

i know my in-laws think what they are doing is no big deal and i know they are just trying to spend time with their granddaughter but sometimes they need to step back and realize i am her mother and i am right here if she needs to be put in line that is my job not that they have any rules! like my friend told me everything is just building up and i am stressed about a lot! depoyment is almost over even though the hubs is still going out on missions its not with the same group of guys its with other guys since no team is full! that stresses me since some of the guys he is with are shitbags! so now ontop of that i have to figure out flights and where we are staying, i also just found out the hubbys truck battery is dead so now we have to get a new battery on top of paying the lady 300$ cause she decided to fix his window (it needed it) and detail it (it may have needed it but she should not have done it without asking)! imo... anyways the hubby and i are also trying to figure out if we should stay more then 2 weeks (like till he has orders and the army flies us or leave before)... i told him i would rather stay and spend as much time together as a family... plus if i come back to his moms i may go insane i want my daughter on a schedule and it doesnt work when the in laws do things as they always have an eat so late! plus it drives me insane his sister doesnt have to work for a thing, things are just handed to her- she wants it she gets it!! i guess i was raised differently and i dont think anyone especially with how rude she is about it give her basically a brand new car! i dont know why it bothers me honestly but it does i dont think its right... she got her moms car orginally a few years back recently got into an accident and now told her mom she (her mom) needs to go buy a new car so she can have her car she has now! seriously what 19 yr old deserves that or even should be handed something like that! ugh my daughter would not be getting anything like that sorry but we will get her one car but after that she will pay for her own and did i mention that car will be a beater! (like a normal teen should have)! i guess they feel she is the baby and deserves certain things but i dont she is never gonna be independent imo but what do i know...

anyways today is another freezing day here in michigan... monkey and i are hanging out and playing while everyone else sleeps till noon, havent had one of those days in years! oh well... i keep getting migranes that dont seem to ever go away and i think its mostly the stress added with needing our own place so things can go the way they need to for a toddler to grow...

just wish i actual felt like they wanted me around not that they have to have me around to spend time with monkey...oh well guess its like and i willcontinue to just bite my tongue and sit here and just wait for the days to go by

ok well time to convience my toddler that mommy is tired of my little pony lets watch something else! or do somethign else anything else

living with in laws

i thought living with my family was a pain but atleast they let me be a parent to my daughter! and they even changed their time they ate so i could keep my daughter on a schedule, which was nice... yes my family and i fought but atleast they respected me as the mother!

my inlaws basically make me feel like the nanny and they are the parents! i understand saying no to her fine no issues there but as soon as they get out of work they basically take over, which i understand spending time with her but i sometimes feel like they over step their bounds..... my MIL said if you feel like i am stepping over the line just say somethign but i cant they are letting me stay here and i am just a daughter in law!

ughhh thank god its almost over now just gotta figure out how long i will stay in hawaii and when we will leave