now i remember

i remember why i cut every day from junior year till recently... now i remember why i felt like dying every day... now i know why i never come home.. what do you expect when i never answer my phone i never call i just stay far away and this is why you are a terrible person and i want nothing to do with you... i pray i would die every day and this may be the longest year and if i stay here i may not survive actual know i wont if i dont go and not be here...

i want nothing to do with you i helped you out for the last time you are nothing but a terrible person... putting me down saying i am a terrible parent when you are not even one never mind even close to being one!

cant tell the hubs how bad it is he has enough on his plate... guess i will just keep it in like always and hope i dont crash...

car will be here soon then off to north carolina even while the hubs is at airborne cause i cant stay here much longer i will hurt myself!

i realize none of this makes sense just kinda typing not really paying attention... all i know is i cant handle this anymore and i cant have my daughter here its just not good i cant let her see me in pain and wanting to die...

can things get any worse?!!?

why not military fill in...

so i have never done one of these fill ins but today i actually didnt mind these questions and thought what not plus takes my mind off other things (deployment, miscarriage, no phone call/communication in days) anyways... enjoy 1. with PCS moves happening every free years, do you take the time to paint and decorate your home? i painted our first house on post just one room, it was so huge i just thought why not but in the end was like why did i bother, so since then i havent painted... decorating i try to hang pictures and shelves to put things up but then i gave up... os hopefully once we get our own place (3 yrs) and i will make it ours! 2. if you could live in any home on a television series, what would it be? the charmed house. i love the size of it plus the style with the sun porch and attic minus the evil in the basement... 3. what inspired you to start your blog? i use to journal when i was younger on paper then i started talking to a councellor who felt maybe i should start writing again so i wouldnt be as stressed and depressed... since i have a gmail account i found out you could do a blog for free so why not... then since we started training for another deployment i figured i would do a blog about a 3rd deployment and moving home while my other one would be about life as a mommy and wife and my daily struggles.. basically its a place for me to just write about anything and everything i am thinking and feeling without being judged or having i used against me later since not many known i have a blog and the ones who do dont know me or have not found it 4. what is the weirdest thing you've ever seen on base? the naked children who's parents (mothers) will sit on their ass and just keep yelling their name while the kid runs in the street with a car coming down the street! the pay day striper outfits, seriously in hawaii the wives would get out their club clothes at noon and go shopping at the px (seriously glad u have the balls to wear that little dress but their r kids and i can see more then i want to of u)! i could for days on this question espically after living in hawaii for almost 3 yrs! for some reason all the drama crazy crackheads go there and rules go out the window! 5. which historical figure (politician, writer, artist, scientist, actor, ect. ) would you like to have dinner with? umm well i have never thought about this... and honestly my mind is completely blank on histoical figures. i would love to met the woman who wrote i love a man in uniform... she is still alive i know she really is not historical but after reading her book i just finally felt like wow someone else actually has been where i have been, felt what i have felt and i just want to thank her (i have on her fb page) but still to talk to her and actually have a heart to heart i would probably cry non stop... well check back cause randomly i will probably fill these out, if i actually have answers to all the questions (usually i dont so i always said maybe next time)... wishing everyone a happy easter and to my soldier stay safe i love you and cant wait to talk to you

was this the right decision?

i hope so but sometimes i dont know... i feel like i am back being a child even though i have a child! i know my parents r just trying to help but honestly my poor monkey is seriously overwhelmed there is more people that she barely knows plus 3 dogs! a little more then what she is use too... plus her daddy is deployed and has only called once (which i completely understand)... we are both still stuck on hawaii time so our whole schedules r all over the place thankfully she is back to two naps but still trying to get her on a normal schedule is hard espically with my family who doesnt have one! they just go and do whatever whenever... monkeys schedule 630amish we get up for breakfast and disney junior, play time (sucks her toys are in transit but we have some), either nap or lunch depending on how she feels, go to the playground, come home more toy time (puzzles), then either a second or first nap, then dinner, play time with daddy (which is not anymore), bath and then bed- well that was hawaii now thats all messed up... my sisblings r all ages 17- up... and far from being quiet, shout when they talk to each other, no schedule on eatting (which will change or atleast monkey and i will eat when she wants)... dropping th fbomb alot! and some major cleaning needs to be done... well still trying to get settled and its hard... thankfully we have a dresser till our stuff gets here but still poor monkey is sleeping in a playpen since she is too small for a big bed and wont stay in it... tomorrow going shopping and hopefully i can actually pay for things (ya my dad keeps paying for stuff driving me crazy its nice and helpful since we dont know whats gonna happen on pay day but still)... thinking of cleaning my parents house on monday while everyone is at work/school... wood floors + multiple dogs= need major fixing.. and my sisbling and i r gonna look into getting a fence for the backyard so the dogs dont poop everywhere and monkey can play!! well i guess we will see more to come but most likely in the deployment blog!!

catching up

so its been a bit and i have tons of blogs i follow to catch up on but that will have to wait till i reach my new home for the year!! we leave today to go back to the east coast!! i am sad, happpy, and stressed... i suck at flying so doing it by myself with my monkey is freaking me out even more!! oh well gotta get some shit done! then we leave on a jet plane :)

much needed vent!

so i am about to blow and i cant really say this anywhere else without someone biting my head off! so here it is: you are not a real army wife! sorry but you are just someone for him to fuck and its not like he is a real soldier! sorry but you dont get involved you want nothing to do with anyone in his company just the stupid druggies (just liek you) in the neighborhood! seriously you have never been thru a deployment so you have no idea the stress and pressure any of us are under so keep you fucking mouth shut! calling me ugly and fat is funny cause guess what i dont fit in a size 3 anymore they are too big so eat shit! i honestly dont care you think i am ugly i dont have stetch marks running up my stomach and my husband doesnt have a snaggle tooth! seriously you have three fucking kids with some other dude when you man gets orders (if he does) good chance you wont be going cause your kids wont be able to! you think doing drugs and harrassing people the way you do and leaving your shit everything is ok anywhere but hawaii!? seriously you have a rude awakening no where else would they put up with this shit! your husbands command would be notified and housing would take proper actions like removing you! keep hanging out with the fucking chick whos husband's CO was already contacted cause of her behavior real winner there!! all i have to say is 2 days really will never see you again and good chance you wont be on this base or an army wife much longer! so enjoy your drugs and being a striper and guess what personally i think you are a fucking piece of shit! just so anyone who reads this: i dont have anything against stripers or locals from hawaii or even newbie army wives... i am against people who think they can treat people like they are better then everyone else when they are not! you have no idea about being an army wife espically when you associate yourself with girls who arent any better and actually are horrible examples of army wives! just my opinion so keep saying your shit cause guess what you mean nothing to me and you never will! so keep up what your are doing you are only hurting you husbands career and in the end karma will bite ya worse then me :) ahhh feel so much better back to packing and cleaning!! going home :) (finally)