sometimes

sometimes you think your choices are right for you, your family, or just be the time being... well i guess mine werent

moved home to my parents to save money and pay off bills... bills are getting paid off which is good but the realization of why i moved out and never liked being here is overwhelming!

i now remember why i cut all thru high school, why i wished i was adopted all thru elementary school (sad i know), and why i never was home...

i work now but overnight, which has increased my exhaustion... we are saving money and even paying off stuff... i even work out or try to when i have a sitter...

lately i really just want to disappear... i am even more depressed and nothing seems to help... there are days i would stay in bed all day if i would but then there is my daughter and i need to take care of her... i wish i could be a better mom and sometimes people make me feel even worse... my daughter can repeat numbers, letters, and words after me but doesnt seem to do it on her own... while other friends seem to have their kids speaking different languages :( i know some send their kids to day care or babysitter so obviously its not just them but i guess i need to step up and be a better mom and stop just crying...

i havent cut even though i want to... especially after hearing my father last nite say i am not his and he knows it... thanks for letting me know i wasnt wanted wish you just aborted me when you had the chance :(

i dont ever want my daughter to feel the way i do :(

i try to do so much to be perfect and i always feel like i fail... braces to fix my teeth, gym to get the perfect body, boobs once (if) have a second baby, try not to cut and always put a smile on my face...

i dont really talk to anyone anymore, the "friends" i thought i had just were not true and once they realized i am not the same person i use to be they decided i wasnt good enough to be a friend... sucks

to top it all off hubby doesnt know if he wants to stay in the army so its all up in the air what will happen next! i really hope he does stay in and goes sf and we move down south... i am ready for a new start and just know what is gonna happen... most of all i want my own place and not feel like i have a room and completely uncomfortable :(

and tonite i gotta work and monkey has class tomorrow so lets get another week down and get life started with this deployment over!

well i guess its time to end this depressing blog... sorry if you read my shit and its so depressing my life is just not so good right now and i am trying to work on it but i cant go talk to someone no one to actually watch my daughter without tons of questions

:(

working out

so since our little raod trip this summer i decided to start going to the gym which if you knew me is a huge suprise!! :) anyways i found a gym that had classes i was interested in and day care just iin case a family member wasnt home... oh and did i mention one that understood i am married to the military so signing up for a year would be a waste of money for me!! welli found one that had all this plus 1 free training session... i started off with spin, yoga and pilates!! which the spin kicked my ass majorly and so did the pilates!! i could barely sit my bum hurt so much!! finally i got into the swing of things and my muscles got use to working... so i decided well lets try and see what the trainer says... i am not the type of person who likes weights and i honestly want to look like a girl just toned! i told the trainer all this in our initial testing and training and he completely agreed! he also said i was perfect weight and should not worry about numbers (which i know but i still do) i am 24% body fat which for not really working out since high school he said was awesome!!

so we did our first training wasnt too bad, my legs didnt hurt but my arms and back did! he had me do this roll thing which i couldnt do on my back and he realized i was extremely flexible! but i loved the fact he was able to adjust the workout to what would work and benefit me even that workout!! so my second workout was arms! but i told him about my back so he took it easy and modified things... still cant roll out my back and even my chiropracter noticed how tight it was! so they will be talking to make sure everyhting works well and doesnt get worse... i am hoping its not from my epidural i had with my daughter (since it popped out and they had to redue it) but i think its from yoga and pilates doing the cobra stretch and overdoing it since no one really explained it until the new instructor today!! lets pray its gets better!

57 days to get the way i wanna look and baby making ready :)