its 3am

yup and i havent slept one wink just tossing and turning... which is driving my dog crazy!

two years ago today i gave birth to my beautiful daughter! i am very happy and thrilled i have her honestly not sure where i would be if i didnt! anywys for some reason i m running thru all the shit that happened to us since we moved to hawaii and i left... some of the choices i wonder if i did that instead of wht i did pick would things be different? would i have stayed in hawaii instad of moving home? probably not but still a thought

if we took the first house they offered us maybe i wouldnt have gotten that job at the mll (which was a waste of time honestly)... wouldnt have become friends with my boss (that would have sucked) she would not have introduced me to carissa (wish i didnt met her)... wouldnt have had a crazy chick live with us for a short bit (long story but a married soldier's gf who we didnt know was married)... taken our dog with us when we went home on christmas, hubbys bonds would not have been stolen and cashed! didnt call carissa when i went into labor, wouldnt have been given the free crub or changing tabke or anything else they bought but then maybe i wouldnt have felt like she was trying to be my daughters mother and none of the crap that went down would have gone down (restraining order, dugs, fights with hubs)... if we just got a storage unit in hawaii and i didnt make hubbby let me take almost everything! if we didnt move to older housing to be close to fake people! if i didnt have a miscarriage :(

honestly who knows if things would be different or even how different... if hubby and i wouldnt have fought so much... if we wouldnt have been in so much debt... if i could have survived another deployment in hawaii??

alot of wht ifs but i know one thing i love my daughter and so glad i have her! i really wish with ll my heart i didnt lose the baby but i did and obviously it wasnt meant for right now but it still hurts, actually crushes and scares me... not sure if i want to try for another one??

well mybe with all this done now i can get maybe 3 hours of sleep! princess happy birthday daddy and mommy are so lucky you are here and amaze us more and more evey day <3

stay safe babe we love and mis syou and i cant wait till you are home and holding me!

can't i win just once!

yup obviously life just loves to keep kicking me down...

basically living at my parents wasnt the best idea, i now remember why i was always depressed, cutting, and never wanting to leave my bed! add all these feelings with a deployment and a daughter about to turn two and i am completely just having a terrible life right now!

i just feel like i keep trying to take a step foward and end up taking a million back... i try not to think about the what ifs, i try to not have regrets, i just try to live oh well maybe that wasnt right but whats next...

regrets i just try to forget:
1. calling carissa to come help with my delivery, should have done it by myself, not let her in my house since she stole shit, and basically try to take over my daughter deciding who could hold her and sadly i just let it go...
2. moving from our decent house on post to old housing, into a neighborhood that thought drugs and partying every weekend and sometimes everynite was ok!
3.trusting carissa (my biggest of all) because if i didnt the other two things would have never happened and maybe i would have stayed in hawaii? felt less stress on myself??

honestly i know this shit happened for a reason but sometimes it just makes me want to punch people...

new regret moving home to my parents... i moved home so my daughter could get to know her family but my mother doesnt understand i dont care she is going thru menapause and taking out your anger on me then trying to be nice just wont cut it! calling me a C*nt seriously i lost all respect for you and dont want you near my child! i never use that word no matter how pissed i am at someone! i told her after the first time we fought while i was driving she will never be allowed in my car again i was done going anywhere with her! plus anyone who just assumes they can go with me it doesnt happen and i told my sister if she wanted to shop with my mom go ahead i will go another time with my daughter...

so my choices: forget about the bullshit with carissa over and done lesson learned- be much more cautious with who i trust! if they talk shit about everyone else never saying anything good then act like best friends with those people good chance they are doing the same to you!

living with parents- well i am looking for a job (3rd shift so i can spend as much time with my daughter as possible), i can sleep when she does at naptime no biggie then i can move in with a friend who is willing to watch her when i work!
or
i can move to the hubbys moms and stay there, save and pay off bills, just not have any friends???

i honestly dont know but i do know staying at my parents is not gonna work i just cant... guess we will see how this visit goes with my MIL... i do know one girl but she is like a few hours away and she even offered me to live there...

who knows i just need to figure something out before i seriously go insane :( now just waiting to see if the huby calls...hopefully soon