pure exhaustion

i know having to blogs is sometimes alot of work but i guess its nice to be able to talk about other things then just the crappy deployment and communication that never happens except when the hubby needs something!!!

anyways so the past few days i have completely exhausted i am pregnant exhausted but i know i am not, well i dont think... i did have the miscarriage and obviously i am not having sex.. but monday is my doctors appointment so we will find out i guess... i dont think stress, not really being hungry, and chasing a toddler with no breaks is helping!! it would be nice if i c0uld have my hubby home honestly it was nice him taking her one morning even though it was only one morning a week i got to rest and not get up and be a parent... i hope that doesnt sound horrible but honestly i need sleep too and i love being her mommy but a good nites sleep would be really nice right now!! not that i see that happening anytime soon :(

thankfully the moving company should be here next week with our stuff (finally)!!! i cant wait gonna actually go thru clothes of mine and get rid of them which if u know me is extremely hard!! i feel bad throwing/giving to good will or sister anything! i am slightly a hoarder but not in a bad way like anything i am given i just have a hard time throwing out... not trash just shoes, clothes, gifts... obviously certain gifts r not a big deal but clothes and shoes that i never wear i know i should get rid of but i cant... so before we left hawaii i went thru my shoes and threw out (opps) ones that didnt fit or didnt wear or were just not worth keeping... it was very hard my hubby had to take them immediately to the dumpster and throw them in cause i would have kept them seriously i know its bad but i feel terrible like i may need it even though i probably wont! and clothes i guess since i have a kid now i feel guilty buying things for me and throwing out things that may fit or i should just wear until we have no debt but i dont wear them or cant cause they dont fit right (having a baby made my body even more uncomfortable then ever for me!) all my jeans are too big now (yes i know i suck) i went from a size 3 or 5 before pregnancy to a size 9 once i hit 9 months back down to a 5 then 3 now i wear a 1!! i had to borrow my sister (17) pants to have some that fit!! so i bought to pairs today (on clearance $3)... so i dont feel that bad but i didnt get my daughter anything but she has tons of clothes and i did buy her a ton of pants the other day at walmart!!

back to the title basically lately my daughter wakes up throught the nite and waits to come to bed with me which is ok but doesnt help me get any sleep since i am in a twin bed!! then add the stress of barely hearing from my husband (wont get into that but its not making being me very good) and getting emails weekly about injured or killed soldiers or the news (which i try to advoid!) i just cant seem to catch a break... i know not eating is bad and stressing is just gonna make me sick but i have no choice i cant help it... honestly i am just not hungry not sure why but i look at food and its just not yummy looking...

then last nite my cousin (my daughter godmother) had texted me a few times since i have been home and basically will say hey lets get together then when i text back and say when do u wanna met? i get nothing! seriously over it so went to dinner last nite with an awesome friend who was there for me and alwasy is!! she let me vent and basically told me just not to bother its not my fault i have a child and dont just drop her off somewhere to get drunk, honestly i am almost 30 and so over it!! ugh why cant life be simple?!?!

well i have made this blog little long and its almost bedtime for my monkey!!woohoo and me too (i hope)... plus i need to throw laundry in so i have pants tomorrow... i know i jump around i hope that shows you how exhausted i am! i just really need better communication with everyone (hubby, family, friends) and to get rest cause my exhaustion is making me a bad mom (in my eyes)... my temper is short with my daughter and she gets more time outs and i yell at her which i dont want to i just wish i could be a better mom :( i know people would give me slack saying i am doing the best i can as a single parent (which i honestly dont consider myself single just hubby is on a business trip) and she is entering her terrible twos but i just wish i could be better... she is talking a little but still mostly babbles and everytime someone mentions how their kid is talking or i am not doing it right i feel worse... maybe thats why i lost the other baby? maybe god felt i can barely handle the one why have another :(

with that finally out and laundry calling me and monkey needs a book to be read before bed i will end this

ugh... maybe more tomorrow here or in my other blog

just hurts

so i have been doing most of my posting under the deployment blog since mostly i am talking about the deployment... i would like to choke some wives but i will ignore them...

anyways this is not what i am talking about in this post... i am hurting more for the fact that i lose a baby and everyone else around me is getting pregnant... seriously if one more person tells me they r pregnant i might end up in the loony bin! i know i should be happy and i am but at the same time i dont understand why i couldnt be pregnant? why did i lose the baby? am i a bad person? what if something happens to my hubby? what if we can never have another baby? i know i shouldnt think like that but i just cant help it and i have no one to talk to or trust...

why me? why cant i have one good thing? this past few months seem to get worse by the minute.... every decision i make is wrong and i am wrong and a terrible person :( ugh

well back to watching coming home cause i need a good cry