Depression, Anxiety, PTSD

its been about 13 years since being diagnosed with depression, anxiety and PTSD. for the most part I can keep it under control with medication, especially since the meds I tried made me not feel like me, they actually changed me so much  I would cry for just no reason at the oddest times :/  so lately things just seem to keep falling and making keeping them in track or hidden as I usually do isn't working. since our monkey was one we have tried for baby number 2 and it happened before deployment number three then I lost the baby :( (I wasn't that far along but still was painful not just physically). since then we have start fertility treatments. they suck! so far have done 2 months of clomid, fyi hot flashes suck! about to begin cycle number 3 in probably a week if I am not pregnant.  this does not help with depression or anxiety. I feel horrible I cant give my husband another baby and my first one keeps asking for another one. lately all I want to do is cry over anything and everything!  I am waiting to get my massage license but seriously this state is taking forever and of course the loans have kicked in. the stress is a fight with myself and doesn't really help with a martial relationship much.  its been 7 years of marriage with more ups and downs then I thought could ever be possible.  the last few months have been the hardest. found texts to someone else and he swears up and down it wasn't him (happen to be when I was visiting a friend that this conversation took place), I found cigarettes and porn which he says he wasn't smoking anymore and didn't have any (I don't care about porn or smoking for the most part) I just don't like the lying about it! then I found condoms!! that broke my heart but of course he says they were not his! how could you want a baby with me but cheat on me? I just don't get it, if it was in year one or two I could have gotten over it but not 7 years in! so ya that makes the depression so much better, NOT! I am trying to figure things out and slowly trust him again and believe him but its not easy.  my heart is completely broken.  my husband has no idea how depressed I am. I honestly just could give up on everything sadly. I love my baby but I am so hurt with everything and want to cut badly or just stop hurting.

no I am not saying I am going to kill myself so if someone reads this just realize that I am venting and depressed and told over and over that if I talk to someone it will hurt my husbands career so I cant. just shut down is the way to go or blog

~<3 p="">

not sure...

being honest with anyone lately just seems to be a waste of time.. I hide what I think and feel because if I tell anyone the truth I am a bad person.
~ sorry I don't feel comfortable letting your son be alone in my house but he doesn't listen when you tell him not to do something and watches things not appropriate and not to mention you want him to watch your other child and well we know that wont happen and prefer my animals safe in their beds
~sorry you got in trouble for being high but seriously I don't want to work on you or have you work on me! its not safe!!
~sorry I cant tell you how depressed I am but you don't want to really know how much I think about killing myself and that its so bad even looking into my baby's eye I just feel I am not giving anyone the life they deserve

I wish my heart was not always breaking... I cant seem to do anything right anymore... I have no one no one to ever really been a true friend and seriously how sad is that, no one

I just wish I could be happy could have true friends could actually be someone people liked... I just wish I could be someone

:(

been a bit longer then planned

things have changed things have stayed the same...

still only one baby, now a new doggy so that makes 2 dogs... i am in school and so is monkey which she loves!

my depression is through the roof and no one notices or cares if they do... i am not use to people being so mean to me for honestly no reason at all would rather give them a reason! cause i love hearing cant believe anyone puts up with your crazy ass, or would even marry you! sorry i dont like shit on me or the smell of certain things... i just honestly want to give up... everyday i feel like i am just doing more harm then good, especially to my monkey... i wish i culd be a better mom, wife, person, friend............

i just dont know anymore somedays i just wish i wouldnt wake up maybe thats why i wont ever be given another baby cause i ama bad person? mom? maybe god doesnt want me to screw someone else up :(

i just dont know anymore and i have no one to talk to no one at all... hubby doesnt get it and has his own shit... friends well i just cant trust anyone :/  and seeing someone that means admitting i am messed up more then ever and i just dnt have time... i never have time for anything... i just kinda give up on me and make sure everyone else is good and i can pretend to be good

yup thats how it will have to be

why do i bother

seriously every time we visit hubby's family there is an issue! christmas we got into a fight about the crap with his sister and her accident, she was fine just is the baby and everyone has to do everything for her! did i mention she is over 18!!

well this visit was worse... i actually left and went to hotel with our daughter and dog! i was orginally gonna leave and drive home but i didnt want to have to deal with him trying to find out how to get home...

i honest dont know what i am going to do... stay with him or leave? suck it up for our child i mean its only 15 more years?

i keep wondering if he ever really loved me? cause if so why would you make me the butt of the jokes especially when you think i am sleeping!?! then wonder why i am hurt :/ i just give up

i just dont know anymore.....

Thoughts

well its been some time since i have been on here and things are just little different...
 1. we went back to Hawaii to welcome home the hubby, ended up staying till end of May and having to pay for myself and daughter to fly home (long story).
 2. we bought a house in NC (seriously!)
 3. we are finally unpacked and organized (or atleast best could be).


So anyways it was a crazy trip of flights, driving, and staying at my parents! thankfully my little monkey survived it all with smiles and lets me know every minute she loves me! (which i need more then i realize lately).

so we are in the house and trying to plan our monkey's third birthday, which isn't going as planned and kinda breaking my heart. we know barely anyone and have to have it 2 weeks early because hubby leaves for school on her birthday! i want to cry every minute :( i know she is only three and probably wont remember it but i want to make them all special she is my only child and it seems like she will only be my only one (which if she is will be fine because i love her more then anything)!

sometimes this lifestyle makes me really depressed! i wonder if moving all the time, not getting to do holidays on their actual days including birthdays is fair to my monkey! i honestly feel like the worst mom ever! i really wanted to give her a great birthday, atleast one! but why would anything work out for me ever :( who knows who will come if anyone and that seriously hurts more then anything! i know people have to work but we are planning it for the weekend of the 4th so most people will mostly likely be off... it just sucks we moved to a new area and know no one :(

i am trying so hard not to cry or cut but it doesnt seem to help not one bit... and i want to be sick!

my goal is for her actually birthday to put a bunch of balloons in her room and then when she wakes up have them all there... then take her to get her nails done since we did it last year and she loved it! i just wish her daddy could actually be here for her birthday, he missed her birth, 2nd birthday and now her 3rd! seriously this lifestyle is sucky and really can break a person, and i wonder if i will ever have any true friends :(

sucks even more her own godmother never can make a few minutes with her nor her godfather, yup we picked winners in that department...

oh well that is my life... i will hopefully start to keep up better and i may even start a new blog since a new adventure in this lifestyle will begin but we will see!

good night... hopefully tomorrow is a better day with better news :/

defeated

so once again things dont go as planned and i am suppose to shut up and deal with it... so instead i shut down :(

the deployment is over and hubby was suppose to go to air borne school in june which meant he would be here for our daughters birthday! well once again the idiot who is suppose to set up the dates and kept saying for months dont worry you are june told him july 20 is his report date! are you fucking kidding me!! so not only does that mean we are stuck in hawaii longer, i miss my sister's graduation from high school (baby of the family), hubby misses another birthday! i literally am just shutting down! i am so heart broken and there is nothing that can be down, as usually because i am upset i am the bad person... doesnt he realize i feel like i cant give my daughter a good birthday ever! especially when he leaves!! how is she going to feel when she looks at pictures and never see daddy on her birthday or her birth!? seriously!? he was is iraq for a birth came home a week later, 1st birthday was jsut terrible, nothing went as planned and i just was very stressed- family only got skyped in which sucked... her 2nd birthday he was on a mission in afghanistan so my family tried to make it special and a friend (who i nolonger speak to) and i took her to the zoo which she loved!

i guess i am truely upset because he promised if he deployed that 1. we would be off this island and in a house before her birthday and 2. he would be here for her birthday!

am i asking too much :( i just feel horrible and defeated and honestly there are days i feel like a terrible mom cause i dont htink i can handle this lifestyle anymore and want out :(

i just dont know anymore..i am just so lost

happiness

lately that just seems like a fairy tale :(

i have one friend tell me well fb it that she is engaged (i wish she didnt but to each their own)

other friends/family of course telling me they are pregnant (not fb official)... and yes i am happy for them till of course they ask if i am since they were hoping to be pregnant together... which i am not but hey thats my life


i just dont know anymore... and of course being back in hawaii i just want to cry and just getting depressed again... of course no one notices cause i hide it with a smile on my face... but the lack of sleep is catching up and the pain i have no idea where it came from is killing me and showing :(

just wish i could be a good wife and mommy... happy and someone people always wanted to be around... i definitely lost myself since being here and i dont know if i will ever find myself, not that my past job at the club hasnt just crushed who i was...

well i think its time to just go and see if i can get my daughter to bed someone loves to fight every chance she can