Depression, Anxiety, PTSD

its been about 13 years since being diagnosed with depression, anxiety and PTSD. for the most part I can keep it under control with medication, especially since the meds I tried made me not feel like me, they actually changed me so much  I would cry for just no reason at the oddest times :/  so lately things just seem to keep falling and making keeping them in track or hidden as I usually do isn't working. since our monkey was one we have tried for baby number 2 and it happened before deployment number three then I lost the baby :( (I wasn't that far along but still was painful not just physically). since then we have start fertility treatments. they suck! so far have done 2 months of clomid, fyi hot flashes suck! about to begin cycle number 3 in probably a week if I am not pregnant.  this does not help with depression or anxiety. I feel horrible I cant give my husband another baby and my first one keeps asking for another one. lately all I want to do is cry over anything and everything!  I am waiting to get my massage license but seriously this state is taking forever and of course the loans have kicked in. the stress is a fight with myself and doesn't really help with a martial relationship much.  its been 7 years of marriage with more ups and downs then I thought could ever be possible.  the last few months have been the hardest. found texts to someone else and he swears up and down it wasn't him (happen to be when I was visiting a friend that this conversation took place), I found cigarettes and porn which he says he wasn't smoking anymore and didn't have any (I don't care about porn or smoking for the most part) I just don't like the lying about it! then I found condoms!! that broke my heart but of course he says they were not his! how could you want a baby with me but cheat on me? I just don't get it, if it was in year one or two I could have gotten over it but not 7 years in! so ya that makes the depression so much better, NOT! I am trying to figure things out and slowly trust him again and believe him but its not easy.  my heart is completely broken.  my husband has no idea how depressed I am. I honestly just could give up on everything sadly. I love my baby but I am so hurt with everything and want to cut badly or just stop hurting.

no I am not saying I am going to kill myself so if someone reads this just realize that I am venting and depressed and told over and over that if I talk to someone it will hurt my husbands career so I cant. just shut down is the way to go or blog

~<3 p="">

not sure...

being honest with anyone lately just seems to be a waste of time.. I hide what I think and feel because if I tell anyone the truth I am a bad person.
~ sorry I don't feel comfortable letting your son be alone in my house but he doesn't listen when you tell him not to do something and watches things not appropriate and not to mention you want him to watch your other child and well we know that wont happen and prefer my animals safe in their beds
~sorry you got in trouble for being high but seriously I don't want to work on you or have you work on me! its not safe!!
~sorry I cant tell you how depressed I am but you don't want to really know how much I think about killing myself and that its so bad even looking into my baby's eye I just feel I am not giving anyone the life they deserve

I wish my heart was not always breaking... I cant seem to do anything right anymore... I have no one no one to ever really been a true friend and seriously how sad is that, no one

I just wish I could be happy could have true friends could actually be someone people liked... I just wish I could be someone

:(

been a bit longer then planned

things have changed things have stayed the same...

still only one baby, now a new doggy so that makes 2 dogs... i am in school and so is monkey which she loves!

my depression is through the roof and no one notices or cares if they do... i am not use to people being so mean to me for honestly no reason at all would rather give them a reason! cause i love hearing cant believe anyone puts up with your crazy ass, or would even marry you! sorry i dont like shit on me or the smell of certain things... i just honestly want to give up... everyday i feel like i am just doing more harm then good, especially to my monkey... i wish i culd be a better mom, wife, person, friend............

i just dont know anymore somedays i just wish i wouldnt wake up maybe thats why i wont ever be given another baby cause i ama bad person? mom? maybe god doesnt want me to screw someone else up :(

i just dont know anymore and i have no one to talk to no one at all... hubby doesnt get it and has his own shit... friends well i just cant trust anyone :/  and seeing someone that means admitting i am messed up more then ever and i just dnt have time... i never have time for anything... i just kinda give up on me and make sure everyone else is good and i can pretend to be good

yup thats how it will have to be